No Froot Loops For Saddam

It turns out Saddam Hussein is a joke-telling, junk food-addicted neat freak who enjoys scribbling poetry and dispensing fatherly dating advice. Five National Guardsmen who were assigned to Saddam's guard detail told GQ magazine that he inhales Doritos by the bagful, cleans everything with baby wipes before he eats, and likes to start his day with a bowl of Raisin Bran Crunch. "No Froot Loops!" he would say when offered a substitute for his breakfast cereal of choice.

Needless to say, the revelations have provided plenty of fodder for the late-night jokesters.

Conan O'Brien: "Apparently Saddam likes Raisin Bran for breakfast but hates Froot Loops. After hearing this, President Bush said, 'he hates Froot Loops; he's more evil than I thought.'"

David Letterman: "Saddam has even been giving (his guards) advice on how to date women. He said what you do is play some Barry White in your spider hole."

Jay Leno: "Turns out Saddam Hussein is a neat freak who likes to eat Doritos and Cheetos all day. At least that's what he said on his profile for eharmony.com."

Letterman also presented the "Top Ten Reasons Saddam Hussein Loves Doritos." #1: Delicious taste allows him to momentarily forget he'll spend eternity in hell.

The World According to Saddam
(as quoted by his jailers in GQ magazine):

On American Presidents: "Reagan and me, good ... The Cleeenton, he's okay ... The Bush father, son — no good."

On Ronald Reagan: "I wish things were like when Ronald Reagan was still President." Told that Reagan had died of Alzheimer's, Saddam went quiet, then said, "Yes. This happens."

On Finding A Wife: "You gotta find a good woman. Not too smart, not too dumb. Not too old, not too young. In the middle. One that can cook and clean."

On The Man Who Ratted Out The Location Of His Spider Hole: "Do you know Judas?" Saddam compared himself to Jesus, a jailer said, by noting how Judas told on Jesus. "That's how it was for me," said Saddam. If his Judas never said anything, Saddam said, nobody ever would have found him. Home Remedy For A Pulled Muscle:
"Garlic, water and hot sauce. Just rub it on there."

On The U.S. Failure To Kill Himat The Start Of The War: "America, they dumb. They bomb wrong palace."

On The Ministers From The New Iraqi Government Who Formally Charged Him With Crimes Against His Country: "Ministers? Ministers of what? It's my country! I'm still the president of this country!"

His Invitation To The Soldiers To Return After The War And Stay In One Of His Palaces: "I'll show you all around my country ... It's not beautiful now, but it will be when I'm back in charge."

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