Patrick Kennedy's Car Crash

Rep. Patrick Kennedy's (D-RI) drug-induced car wreck and retreat into rehab has been providing the late-night comedians with plenty of fodder. Here's a roundup of Kennedy punch lines:

"Patrick Kennedy crashed his car and said he doesn't remember anything about the accident, except a huge sense of relief when he came to and he wasn't soaking wet." --Bill Maher

"Patrick Kennedy crashed his car but got out of a breathalyzer test by claiming he was on his way to the Capitol to vote. Apparently Kennedy was going to vote on whether Miller Lite was less filling or tastes great." --Conan O'Brien

"He says he was on Ambien. ... Whatever he was on, it's just nice to see a lawmaker under the influence of something besides a lobbyist." --Bill Maher

"Something happened last night, I was down in Washington, D.C., love it down there, can't get enough of that city. Anyway, I was out with my buddy, Rep. Patrick Kennedy of Rhode Island, and we were driving home, and I suggested we play a game of I Spy a Concrete Barricade. Patrick is a fierce competitor and, well, he won." --Stephen Colbert

"Congressman Patrick Kennedy celebrated Cinco de Mayo a little bit differently. Used his car as a pinata." --Jay Leno

"Did you hear his excuse for hitting the barrier? He said he had to swerve to avoid hitting Ted Kennedy who was crawling home. ... I guess the apple doesn't stagger too far from the tree."

"Kennedy blamed his seemingly intoxicated state after the car crash on his sleeping medication. I believe it's called Jagermeister." --Jay Leno

"You know what we should do? Next time a Kennedy gets in a car late at night, wake up Dick Cheney and have him shoot out the tires." --Jay Leno

"With these gas prices, I got smart. I'm driving the new Patrick Kennedy hybrid car. ... It runs on sleeping pills and when you get on the highway, it runs on alcohol." --Jay Leno

"A lot of people are very upset that Congressman Patrick Kennedy was not given a blood alcohol test after his car accident last week. I understand why they didn't do it. It's kind of like giving President Bush the SAT test. What's the point?" --Jay Leno

"He denies that there was any alcohol involved. The police said they smelled liquor on his breath, and he said that's just because he'd been to a party and was bumming cigarettes from the Bush twins." --Bill Maher

"This I a bit of a scandal. The police at the scene did not give him a sobriety test, and they gave him a ride home. I'm not saying he got special treatment, but they also tucked him into bed and put a trash can next to it in case he had to throw up." --Bill Maher

"Representative Patrick Kennedy, the son of Sen. Ted Kennedy, crashed his car on Capitol Hill early Thursday morning, blaming the accident on his medication, specifically the over-the-counter medication Tylenol JD." --Tina Fey

Porter Goss Calls It Quits
For reasons that are not yet clear, but could have to do with his alleged involvement in the unfolding Watergate hooker scandal, CIA Director Porter Goss abruptly resigned. It shouldn't come as a surprise. Two years ago he basically confessed to filmmaker Michael Moore that he wasn't up to the job.

Watch the infamous video clip, which was cut from Fahrenheit 9/11, in which then-Congressman Goss admits, "I couldn't get a job with CIA today. I am not qualified."

Late-Night Jokes
"Porter Goss resigned suddenly amid rumors that it has something to do with a floating party that's been going on at the Watergate hotel for years, which involves congressman, lobbyists, defense contractors, and hookers. This is why you don't want your daughter to grow up to be a hooker -- she might fall in with a bad crowd." --Bill Maher

"In all fairness, we don't know if any of this might be true, but it might be true because Porter Goss's resignation letter cited a burdensome workload, wanting to spend more time with his family, and the fact that it's hard out there for pimp." --Bill Maher

"After just 18 months as CIA director, Porter Goss announced that he will be resigning his post to pursue a career as a scapegoat." --Tina Fey

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