Bush Mockery From Late-Night TV
Saturday July 1, 2006
The Bush jokes have been flying fast and furious on late-night TV in recent months. Read a sampling of some of the best presidential punch lines:
"First Lady Laura Bush flew from Washington to New York and instead of flying Air Force One, she took the Delta Shuttle. The first lady said she did this because unlike Air Force One, commercial airlines are cheaper, they waste less gas, and she doesn't get stuck sitting next to a dumb guy." --Conan O'Brien
"President Bush said catching a 7.5 pound fish was his best moment since becoming president. You know the sad thing, a lot of historians would agree with that." --Jay Leno
"A new poll shows that 66% of Americans think President Bush is doing a poor job on the War in Iraq. And the remaining 34% think Adam and Eve rode dinosaurs to church." --Tina Fey
"The comic book makers of 'Batman' have announced that Batman will go after Osama bin Laden. So you see Bush does have a plan." --David Letterman
"President Bush said that when it comes to hurricane preparedness, step number one is to, quote, 'pray that there's no hurricanes.' Later President Bush admitted, 'Yeah, that's our entire plan.'" --Conan O'Brien
"President Bush went to Iraq to boost the new government. That shows you how rough the situation is in Iraq when a guy with 30% approval rating stops by to give you a boost." --Jay Leno
"President Bush said that when it comes to hurricane preparedness, step number one is to, quote, 'pray that there's no hurricanes.' Later President Bush admitted, 'Yeah, that's our entire plan.'" --Conan O'Brien
"According to Secret Service logs, convicted lobbyist Jack Abramoff was at the White House only two times in the past fives years. Of course, the real question is: was it the same two times that President Bush was there?" --Tina Fey
"A German publication did an interview with the president and asked Mr. Bush what was his best moment of his presidency, and he said it was the day that he caught a 7.5 pound perch. I couldn't make that up. Now, he leaves out the part that he was fishing in downtown New Orleans." --Bill Maher
"It's about as low as you can go without getting caught in a Port-O-John with George Michael" --Jimmy Kimmel, on Bush's low approval rating
"Bush's approval rating has fallen into the 20s -- 29 percent in the latest poll. I tell you. It's hard out there for a chimp. ... He says doesn't pay attention to the polls. If he wants to know what the American people are thinking, he'll listen to your calls." --Bill Maher
"The new issue of Rolling Stone magazine features a cover story about President Bush called 'The Worst President in History.' President Bush said 'That's not fair, I'm also the worst president in math, English and geography.'" --Conan O'Brien
"It is astounding, is it not, that the president, who was always so incestuously linked to oil companies for years and years is suddenly shocked, shocked, at what's going on. But I'm not surprised that Bush has no recollection of how gas prices got so high. He has no recollection of doing cocaine and that was right under his nose" --Bill Maher
"President Bush is denying that he's planning an air strike on Iran. So, you know what that means? He's planning an air strike on Iran." --David Letterman
"June 1st is the start of the hurricane season. President Bush is already stockpiling excuses." --David Letterman
"It's been announced that White House adviser Karl Rove will not be creating the day-to-day policy for the president anymore. You all know Karl Rove, he's the man they call Bush's brain. No, that's what they call him, Bush's brain. Now he's only going to be working part of the time, just like Bush's brain." --Jay Leno
"President Bush has picked FOX newsman Tony Snow to be his press secretary. Snow once said that President Bush was an embarrassment, a leader who has lost control of the federal budget, and the architect of a listless domestic policy. Good thing for Snow Bush doesn't read the newspapers." --Jay Leno
"President Bush met with the president of China at the White House. The arrival ceremony was interrupted by a protester who started yelling, 'Stop the persecution, stop the torture!' President Bush had to ask, 'Which one of us are you talking to?'" --Jay Leno
"The scandal of the week for the White House is that Dick Cheney's main man Scooter Libby says that it was Bush himself who approved leaking classified information. I find that hard to believe, that President Bush is allowed to see classified information." --Bill Maher
"[Bush] was down there and he was saying, 'We have to secure our borders and that it's not right to prosper in America and not learn to speak English.' But enough about him." --Bill Maher
"New rule: When President Bush meets an autistic teenager, they must wear name tags so we can tell them apart." --Bill Maher
"Air Force One arrived [in Pakistan] today landing there after dark with the lights off and the window shades drawn. And then Osama bin Laden made a speech and said, 'Bush can run, but he can't hide. Karl Rove told the president that if his approval ratings dipped any lower they were going to have to arrive home the same way." --Bill Maher
"When he travels, Dick Cheney has certain things that he needs. He needs what he calls a 'downtime suite.' Coincidentally, George W. Bush also has a 'downtime suite.' It's called the Oval Office." --David Letterman
"It's tax time and President Bush is saving a lot on taxes this year. He's writing off his entire second term." --David Letterman "Thousands and thousands of undocumented workers protested yesterday. President Bush was really surprised by the large number of protestors. And you know what? I'm not surprised he was surprised." --David Letterman
"An Arab company might take over six American ports. President Bush says that he did not know of the plan. That is just so out of character." --David Letterman
"George Bush now wants to end our dependency on foreign oil. Nice to see him nippin' that in the bud." --David Letterman
"President Bush now is apparently giving an Arab country control to American ports. Does that seem like a good idea? He's going to give control of American ports to an Arab country. If he keeps this up, people are going to start questioning his judgment." --David Letterman
"The real question now is, is this a one-time thing, or will the vice president try to kill again. ... If this story gets any bigger, pretty soon they're going to have to tell the president." --David Letterman, on Dick Cheney shooting a guy in the face
"While speaking in North Carolina this week, President Bush said, the economy is strong, and the best is yet to come. Adding: Also, the war's going great, we don't torture people, I'm 11 feet tall, and if you don't believe me, you can ask my unicorn." --Tina Fey
"Hundreds of thousands of Gulf Coast families hoping to rebuild their homes using low-interest government loans are facing high rejection rates and widespread delays. Said President Bush, 'The what and the who?" --Tina Fey
"Bush's overall approval ratings have hit an all-time low ... If Bush's numbers don't improve, he could become the first president held back and forced to repeat his presidency." --Tina Fey
"Yesterday at a press conference President Bush said he had not seen 'Brokeback Mountain.' However, he did express an interest in drilling for oil there" --David Letterman
"President Bush said today his plan to fight terrorism is simple and straightforward -- go after the evildoers, track them down, find out where they're hiding and then sell them our seaports." --Jay Leno
"President Bush is now saying that he was not aware that we signed a deal to give these Arabs countries control of our eastern seaports. In fact, today President Bush began tapping his own phone so he can find out what’s going on in the White House." --Jay Leno
"President Bush has okayed a deal to let the government of Dubai control six of our major ports. Boy, first Dick Cheney shoots a guy in the face, now President Bush shoots himself in the foot." --Jay Leno
"Lots of people are returning gifts this week, and that's just Congressmen. ... Even President Bush returned $6,000 given to him by that creepy Jack Abramoff guy. But Bush said he hadn't done anything with the money. In fact, it still had the original strings attached." --Jay Leno
"President Bush surprised 30 immigrants by showing up and personally swearing them in as U.S. citizens. ... There was an awkward moment when President Bush said, 'You may now kiss the bride.'" --Conan O'Brien
"Earlier today, President Bush flew to New Orleans. There was an awkward moment when the president looked around and said 'Oh my god, what the hell happened here?'" --Conan O'Brien
"Earlier today on his visit to Pakistan, President Bush mistakenly called Pakistan an Arab country instead of a Muslim country. Then he said, 'Good thing no one over here takes that stuff seriously'" --Conan O'Brien
"President Bush made a surprise trip to Afghanistan, and he promised the Afghanis that the United States would not cut and run. Then he got on his plane and left." --Conan O'Brien
"This week President Bush made a surprise visit to Afghanistan. The president said he heard it was a good place for an embattled leader to disappear into the mountains." --Tina Fey
"President Bush asked people around the world to stop the violence that has erupted over controversial cartoons in a Danish newspaper. President Bush said instead, let's go after the guy who makes the Junior Jumble so hard." --Conan O'Brien
"President Bush met with the Prime Minister of Belgium and things got tense when the Prime Minister demanded the U.S. close the prison at Guantanamo Bay. President Bush quickly replied, 'The prison is closed. That's how we keep them in there.'" --Conan O'Brien
"Remember last week when Jessica Simpson declined to meet President Bush? She now says they have plans to sit down together and talk face-to-face. President Bush talking to Jessica Simpson? That should be a real no-brainer." --Jay Leno
"I'm surprised that Jessica Simpson is distancing herself from the president. I mean they have a lot in common: They're both from Texas, they're both under constant press scrutiny and they both have no clue about what's going on in Iraq." --Jay Leno
"More people, particularly Republicans, disapprove of President Bush's performance. They're questioning his character now and they no longer consider him a strong leader on terrorism. Yeah, apparently there's a little more to this whole presidency thing than just not getting blown." --Bill Maher
"President Bush says America has caused an incredible transformation in Afghanistan. He said everything's being rebuilt, people are getting jobs, kids are going back to school. He said it works so well that he's thinking of trying it in New Orleans." --Jay Leno
"President Bush's approval ratings have taken somewhat of a dive. A senior slump, if you will. Leading President Bush to one conclusion: He is the only one who realizes what a great job he's being doing." --Jon Stewart
"Plans were announced to raise $300 million for the George W. Bush Presidential Library. $300 million. That's almost $150 million per book." --Jay Leno
"President Bush said that Bill Clinton has become so close to his father, he is like a brother. Which is great because it gives the first President Bush the smart son he never had." --Jay Leno
Jon Stewart: [Shows a clip of President Bush addressing national guardsmen in Idaho and saying "Nineteen individuals have served both as guardsmen and as president of the United States, and I'm proud to have been one."]
Stewart: "Ah, the first rule of public speaking -- always start with a joke."
"President Bush has embarked on an eight-day tour of the continent. He hopes this one goes better than the other ones he's made recently. Obviously he's not doing that well in North America [on screen: '36% Approval'], his South American trip had a few bumps [on screen: 'Angry mobs of torch-carrying bumps'], Europe seems to think the president doesn't care what they think, but hey, who cares what they think? They could at least thank him for what he's done for their burning effigy industry." --Stephen Colbert
"President Bush's approval rating is not good. A new Gallup poll puts it at just 36% which is a new low for his presidency. He is just slightly more popular than herpes now." –Jimmy Kimmel
Read more Bush jokes...
Read current late-night jokes...
• Related: Bush Joke Gallery | Late-Night TV News | Daily Show Clips
"First Lady Laura Bush flew from Washington to New York and instead of flying Air Force One, she took the Delta Shuttle. The first lady said she did this because unlike Air Force One, commercial airlines are cheaper, they waste less gas, and she doesn't get stuck sitting next to a dumb guy." --Conan O'Brien
"President Bush said catching a 7.5 pound fish was his best moment since becoming president. You know the sad thing, a lot of historians would agree with that." --Jay Leno
"A new poll shows that 66% of Americans think President Bush is doing a poor job on the War in Iraq. And the remaining 34% think Adam and Eve rode dinosaurs to church." --Tina Fey
"The comic book makers of 'Batman' have announced that Batman will go after Osama bin Laden. So you see Bush does have a plan." --David Letterman
"President Bush said that when it comes to hurricane preparedness, step number one is to, quote, 'pray that there's no hurricanes.' Later President Bush admitted, 'Yeah, that's our entire plan.'" --Conan O'Brien
"President Bush went to Iraq to boost the new government. That shows you how rough the situation is in Iraq when a guy with 30% approval rating stops by to give you a boost." --Jay Leno
"President Bush said that when it comes to hurricane preparedness, step number one is to, quote, 'pray that there's no hurricanes.' Later President Bush admitted, 'Yeah, that's our entire plan.'" --Conan O'Brien
"According to Secret Service logs, convicted lobbyist Jack Abramoff was at the White House only two times in the past fives years. Of course, the real question is: was it the same two times that President Bush was there?" --Tina Fey
"A German publication did an interview with the president and asked Mr. Bush what was his best moment of his presidency, and he said it was the day that he caught a 7.5 pound perch. I couldn't make that up. Now, he leaves out the part that he was fishing in downtown New Orleans." --Bill Maher
"It's about as low as you can go without getting caught in a Port-O-John with George Michael" --Jimmy Kimmel, on Bush's low approval rating
"Bush's approval rating has fallen into the 20s -- 29 percent in the latest poll. I tell you. It's hard out there for a chimp. ... He says doesn't pay attention to the polls. If he wants to know what the American people are thinking, he'll listen to your calls." --Bill Maher
"The new issue of Rolling Stone magazine features a cover story about President Bush called 'The Worst President in History.' President Bush said 'That's not fair, I'm also the worst president in math, English and geography.'" --Conan O'Brien
"It is astounding, is it not, that the president, who was always so incestuously linked to oil companies for years and years is suddenly shocked, shocked, at what's going on. But I'm not surprised that Bush has no recollection of how gas prices got so high. He has no recollection of doing cocaine and that was right under his nose" --Bill Maher
"President Bush is denying that he's planning an air strike on Iran. So, you know what that means? He's planning an air strike on Iran." --David Letterman
"June 1st is the start of the hurricane season. President Bush is already stockpiling excuses." --David Letterman
"It's been announced that White House adviser Karl Rove will not be creating the day-to-day policy for the president anymore. You all know Karl Rove, he's the man they call Bush's brain. No, that's what they call him, Bush's brain. Now he's only going to be working part of the time, just like Bush's brain." --Jay Leno
"President Bush has picked FOX newsman Tony Snow to be his press secretary. Snow once said that President Bush was an embarrassment, a leader who has lost control of the federal budget, and the architect of a listless domestic policy. Good thing for Snow Bush doesn't read the newspapers." --Jay Leno
"President Bush met with the president of China at the White House. The arrival ceremony was interrupted by a protester who started yelling, 'Stop the persecution, stop the torture!' President Bush had to ask, 'Which one of us are you talking to?'" --Jay Leno
"The scandal of the week for the White House is that Dick Cheney's main man Scooter Libby says that it was Bush himself who approved leaking classified information. I find that hard to believe, that President Bush is allowed to see classified information." --Bill Maher
"[Bush] was down there and he was saying, 'We have to secure our borders and that it's not right to prosper in America and not learn to speak English.' But enough about him." --Bill Maher
"New rule: When President Bush meets an autistic teenager, they must wear name tags so we can tell them apart." --Bill Maher
"Air Force One arrived [in Pakistan] today landing there after dark with the lights off and the window shades drawn. And then Osama bin Laden made a speech and said, 'Bush can run, but he can't hide. Karl Rove told the president that if his approval ratings dipped any lower they were going to have to arrive home the same way." --Bill Maher
"When he travels, Dick Cheney has certain things that he needs. He needs what he calls a 'downtime suite.' Coincidentally, George W. Bush also has a 'downtime suite.' It's called the Oval Office." --David Letterman
"It's tax time and President Bush is saving a lot on taxes this year. He's writing off his entire second term." --David Letterman "Thousands and thousands of undocumented workers protested yesterday. President Bush was really surprised by the large number of protestors. And you know what? I'm not surprised he was surprised." --David Letterman
"An Arab company might take over six American ports. President Bush says that he did not know of the plan. That is just so out of character." --David Letterman
"George Bush now wants to end our dependency on foreign oil. Nice to see him nippin' that in the bud." --David Letterman
"President Bush now is apparently giving an Arab country control to American ports. Does that seem like a good idea? He's going to give control of American ports to an Arab country. If he keeps this up, people are going to start questioning his judgment." --David Letterman
"The real question now is, is this a one-time thing, or will the vice president try to kill again. ... If this story gets any bigger, pretty soon they're going to have to tell the president." --David Letterman, on Dick Cheney shooting a guy in the face
"While speaking in North Carolina this week, President Bush said, the economy is strong, and the best is yet to come. Adding: Also, the war's going great, we don't torture people, I'm 11 feet tall, and if you don't believe me, you can ask my unicorn." --Tina Fey
"Hundreds of thousands of Gulf Coast families hoping to rebuild their homes using low-interest government loans are facing high rejection rates and widespread delays. Said President Bush, 'The what and the who?" --Tina Fey
"Bush's overall approval ratings have hit an all-time low ... If Bush's numbers don't improve, he could become the first president held back and forced to repeat his presidency." --Tina Fey
"Yesterday at a press conference President Bush said he had not seen 'Brokeback Mountain.' However, he did express an interest in drilling for oil there" --David Letterman
"President Bush said today his plan to fight terrorism is simple and straightforward -- go after the evildoers, track them down, find out where they're hiding and then sell them our seaports." --Jay Leno
"President Bush is now saying that he was not aware that we signed a deal to give these Arabs countries control of our eastern seaports. In fact, today President Bush began tapping his own phone so he can find out what’s going on in the White House." --Jay Leno
"President Bush has okayed a deal to let the government of Dubai control six of our major ports. Boy, first Dick Cheney shoots a guy in the face, now President Bush shoots himself in the foot." --Jay Leno
"Lots of people are returning gifts this week, and that's just Congressmen. ... Even President Bush returned $6,000 given to him by that creepy Jack Abramoff guy. But Bush said he hadn't done anything with the money. In fact, it still had the original strings attached." --Jay Leno
"President Bush surprised 30 immigrants by showing up and personally swearing them in as U.S. citizens. ... There was an awkward moment when President Bush said, 'You may now kiss the bride.'" --Conan O'Brien
"Earlier today, President Bush flew to New Orleans. There was an awkward moment when the president looked around and said 'Oh my god, what the hell happened here?'" --Conan O'Brien
"Earlier today on his visit to Pakistan, President Bush mistakenly called Pakistan an Arab country instead of a Muslim country. Then he said, 'Good thing no one over here takes that stuff seriously'" --Conan O'Brien
"President Bush made a surprise trip to Afghanistan, and he promised the Afghanis that the United States would not cut and run. Then he got on his plane and left." --Conan O'Brien
"This week President Bush made a surprise visit to Afghanistan. The president said he heard it was a good place for an embattled leader to disappear into the mountains." --Tina Fey
"President Bush asked people around the world to stop the violence that has erupted over controversial cartoons in a Danish newspaper. President Bush said instead, let's go after the guy who makes the Junior Jumble so hard." --Conan O'Brien
"President Bush met with the Prime Minister of Belgium and things got tense when the Prime Minister demanded the U.S. close the prison at Guantanamo Bay. President Bush quickly replied, 'The prison is closed. That's how we keep them in there.'" --Conan O'Brien
"Remember last week when Jessica Simpson declined to meet President Bush? She now says they have plans to sit down together and talk face-to-face. President Bush talking to Jessica Simpson? That should be a real no-brainer." --Jay Leno
"I'm surprised that Jessica Simpson is distancing herself from the president. I mean they have a lot in common: They're both from Texas, they're both under constant press scrutiny and they both have no clue about what's going on in Iraq." --Jay Leno
"More people, particularly Republicans, disapprove of President Bush's performance. They're questioning his character now and they no longer consider him a strong leader on terrorism. Yeah, apparently there's a little more to this whole presidency thing than just not getting blown." --Bill Maher
"President Bush says America has caused an incredible transformation in Afghanistan. He said everything's being rebuilt, people are getting jobs, kids are going back to school. He said it works so well that he's thinking of trying it in New Orleans." --Jay Leno
"President Bush's approval ratings have taken somewhat of a dive. A senior slump, if you will. Leading President Bush to one conclusion: He is the only one who realizes what a great job he's being doing." --Jon Stewart
"Plans were announced to raise $300 million for the George W. Bush Presidential Library. $300 million. That's almost $150 million per book." --Jay Leno
"President Bush said that Bill Clinton has become so close to his father, he is like a brother. Which is great because it gives the first President Bush the smart son he never had." --Jay Leno
Jon Stewart: [Shows a clip of President Bush addressing national guardsmen in Idaho and saying "Nineteen individuals have served both as guardsmen and as president of the United States, and I'm proud to have been one."]
Stewart: "Ah, the first rule of public speaking -- always start with a joke."
"President Bush has embarked on an eight-day tour of the continent. He hopes this one goes better than the other ones he's made recently. Obviously he's not doing that well in North America [on screen: '36% Approval'], his South American trip had a few bumps [on screen: 'Angry mobs of torch-carrying bumps'], Europe seems to think the president doesn't care what they think, but hey, who cares what they think? They could at least thank him for what he's done for their burning effigy industry." --Stephen Colbert
"President Bush's approval rating is not good. A new Gallup poll puts it at just 36% which is a new low for his presidency. He is just slightly more popular than herpes now." –Jimmy Kimmel
Read more Bush jokes...
Read current late-night jokes...
• Related: Bush Joke Gallery | Late-Night TV News | Daily Show Clips
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