Alberto Gonzales Jokes

"Almost everybody in Washington is still calling for Gonzales to resign. President Bush said Gonzales' testimony last week increased his confidence in him. Bush said he had no idea Gonzales could lie like that." --Jay Leno

"Really, Alberto Gonzales? You're not going to resign? ... During the hearings, you said 'I don't remember' or ' I don't recall' over 50 times. Don't lawyers need to have good memories? ... I'd rather have the guy from 'Memento' as a lawyer. My Commodore 64 has more memory than you, and it runs on bong water. ... Even the most conservative senators think you should resign. Sam Brownback thinks you should resign, and he's so conservative, he thinks watching 'Will and Grace' gives you AIDS" --Seth Meyers on Saturday Night Live's "Weekend Update" (Watch video clip)

"Really, President Bush? You think [the Gonzales testimony] went well? Which part? Because the best thing anyone can say about Gonzales' testimony was that he didn't use the word 'nappy,' and he remembered to wear pants." --Amy Poehler

"Reviews of Gonzales' performance were mixed. 99.99% of the people who saw it felt he embarrassed himself. The other .01% was this guy [on screen: Pres. Bush]" --Jon Stewart, on Alberto Gonzales' Senate testimony

"It's so hard to follow. That is exactly why the president was so impressed. ... Legally, Gonzales had to appear before Congress, so his choice was either to expose the administration's political machinations, or appear to be a functioning pinhead. He went with pinhead. And if I may say ... nailed it" --Daily Show correspondent John Oliver, on Alberto Gonzales' Senate testimony

"I got myself a new computer this week. I got the Alberto Gonzales Dell computer. Have you seen this one? It destroys your e-mails and has no memory." --Jay Leno

"Over in Washington, Alberto Gonzales testified yesterday before Congress. He is the Sanjaya of the Bush administration. He had a month to rehearse and he still sucked." --Bill Maher

"He said some version of 'I don't remember' 71 times. I know it's 4/20, but even I'm not that big of a pothead." --Bill Maher

"He is not exactly a constitutional scholar. At one point, he tried to plead the fifth dimension." --Bill Maher

"Today on Capitol Hill, Attorney General Alberto Gonzales raised his right hand, swore to tell the truth, and then had a good laugh. ... He testified that he had nothing to hide. Well, not anymore ... he deleted everything." --Jay Leno

"After weeks of mock testimony, there you have it. Alberto Gonzales doesn't know what happened, but he assures you, what he doesn't remember was handled properly." --Jon Stewart (Watch video clip)

"Gonzales used the phrase 'I don't recall' 45 times before lunch. I should point out ... that's a lot. ... What could make a guy forget such a big decision that happened so recently? [on screen: Gonzales saying, 'I went back and looked at my calendar for that week. I traveled to Mexico for the inauguration of the new president. We had National Meth Awareness Day']. Now we know! You know, I'm the same way, Alberto. Whenever I celebrate National Meth Day, it always ends up being National Meth Month" --Jon Stewart

"Because of the storms back East, over 250,000 people still without power. In fact, it was so bad in Washington, D.C., Attorney General Alberto Gonzales had to resort to destroying e-mails by hand." --Jay Leno

"A lot of people are asking for extensions this year ... even President Bush. He got an extension because he's still deciding whether or not to write off Alberto Gonzales." --Jay Leno, on taxes

"Alberto Gonzales is in trouble because his number two man testified basically that he's a big f**king liar. Gonzales said today that he didn't lie about being involved in the firings, he just didn't recall being involved. So I guess they finally settled on a scapegoat ... Jose Cuervo." --Bill Maher

"President Bush has big April Fools' Day plans. He's going to call Alberto Gonzales and tell him he's doing a heckuva a job." --David Letterman

"I think the pressure is starting to get to Attorney General Alberto Gonzales. Did you hear about today? He tried to fire the cast of 'Boston Legal.'" --Jay Leno

"President Bush said today that he has legal opinion on his side in the Alberto Gonzales case. President Bush can claim executive privilege according to his lawyer ... Alberto Gonzales" --Jay Leno "According to a new study, one-third of Washington, DC, is illiterate. To give you an idea of how bad it is, Alberto Gonzales can't even read the writing on the wall." --Jay Leno

"A new survey says that 58% of the people who follow the news think Attorney General Alberto Gonzales should resign. Of course, President Bush is not in that group. You know ... of people who follow the news. ... This whole administration is turning into a bad version of 'Wizard of Oz.' Cheney needs a heart. Gonzales needs some courage. Bush needs a brain." --Jay Leno

"Yesterday, because it was a weekday, Alberto Gonzales was called to testify. Now I've said before that Alberto Gonzales' logic is well, mind numbing. But during yesterday's testimony, he became the K2 of obfuscation" --Jon Stewart

"Some Republicans in Washington are looking for a replacement for Attorney General Alberto Gonzales, but apparently, they need to find an experienced legal mind that President Bush is comfortable with. As a result, the number one candidate is Judge Judy." --Stephen Colbert

"Alberto Gonzales has gotten into trouble for firing eight U.S. attorneys for what appears to be political reasons. President Bush said today he still has confidence in Gonzales -- the same confidence he had in Rumsfeld, Scooter Libby, and Michael Brown of FEMA." --Jay Leno