Readers Deliver Their Own 'Late-Night' Jokes
Monday December 3, 2007
With the late-night comedy shows on hiatus due to the writers’ strike, readers of About.com Political Humor have stepped up to pinch hit with their own topical punch lines Here's the latest round (a few of these were recently reprinted in the Charlotte Observer):
"Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid will keep the legislative body in pro forma session over the holiday break to block President Bush from making political appointments. No important business will be conducted, which means the Democrats are continuing their legislative agenda." --Bob Hirschfeld, Maryland
"Despite the writers strike, NBC says 'The Tonight Show' and 'Late Night with Conan O'Brien' will return with new programs on January 2nd. The shows will simply not use any comedy writers, kind of like what 'Saturday Night Live' has been doing for 15 years." --Jake Novak, New York
"Fidel Castro indicated Monday he's ready to step down from power in Cuba. He's suffering from gastro-intestinal problems. President Bush is going to throw a fit when it dawns on him that all it takes to overthrow a brutal dictator is Mexican food." --Argus Hamilton, Los Angeles
"A Japanese study holds out the promise that stem cells from liposuctioned fat could be used to increase women's breast size without the use of implants. Today Bill Clinton called for a 30 percent increase in funding for stem cell research." --Gary Bachman, Maryland
"Republican presidential candidate Rudy Giuliani spent last night at a St. Louis hospital with flu-like symptoms. Like everyone else Giuliani spends the night with, all the hospital's doctors and nurses will get free limo service every time they visit New York." --Jake Novak
"It's being reported that that Alberto Gonzales was involved with discussions about destroying the CIA interrogation tapes when he was White House counsel. Democrats in Congress were going to request he testify but decided it would save time just to enter 'I do not recall' into the record." --Bob Hirschfeld, Maryland
Previous Jokes
"Former President Clinton said when he dated Hillary, he told her to dump him and focus on political office. Considering he also recently said he was opposed to war with Iraq, which Hillary supported, she may finally take him up on his offer." --Bob Hirschfeld, Maryland
"Did you see Rudy Giuliani giggle his way through that Tim Russert interview? It was a lot like Hillary Clinton’s cackle-fest, only an octave higher. And the two candidates have something else in common — they’re both slipping in the polls. But don’t worry — they can always get work as a laugh track." --Madeleine Begun Kane, New York
"Republican candidates held a presidential debate for Hispanic voters on Sunday in Florida, which aired on Spanish language television. They got a hostile reception. Almost one third of the studio audience had just been fired by Mitt Romney." --Argus Hamilton, Los Angeles
"Oprah Winfrey campaigned with Barrack Obama in Iowa. The two spoke in front of huge, enthusiastic crowds. And ten lucky people in attendance received free makeovers." --Gary Bachman, Maryland
"President Bush accidentally gave out the wrong phone number for the subprime mortgage helpline yesterday and instead announced a number that was actually for a Christian school in Texas. Unfortunately, most callers found out Jesus doesn't want to give them a loan either." --Jake Novak, New York
"Did you hear any of Oprah's Obama speeches? That woman’s one hell of an actress! She actually had me believing she's black." --Madeleine Begun Kane, New York
Previous Jokes
"President Bush insists that a revised intelligence report saying Iran is not developing nuclear weapons makes no difference in his policy toward that country. At least he's consistent, since intelligence was not a factor in going to war with Iraq." --Bob Hirschfeld, Maryland
"The U.S. government now says Iran won't be able to build a nuclear weapon until 2010 at the earliest. The news is calming millions of Americans with adjustable rate mortgages that aren't due to reset until 2011." --Jake Novak, New York
"Rudy Giuliani dropped like a rock in the national polls Monday as his scandals began to catch up with him. They involve adultery, cronyism and public payroll padding. As a result, he is running fifth among Republicans but he leads all Democrats." --Argus Hamilton, Los Angeles
"The National Intelligence Estimate on Iran was finally released Monday showing that Tehran has no nuclear weapons program. It turns out Dick Cheney sat on this report for a year. So he didn't have a heart procedure last week, it was a colonoscopy." --Argus Hamilton, Los Angeles
"President Bush told leaders of 40 nations in Annapolis, Maryland that achieving peace in the Middle East is the central goal of his final year as president. He then left the peace conference to return to the White House and continue planning war with Iran." --Bob Hirschfeld, Maryland
"During the Republican debate on Wednesday night Mitt Romney and John McCain sparred over what constituted torture. You know what torture is? It's watching a bunch of Republicans debate for two hours." --Gary Bachman, Maryland
"Oprah Winfrey will be campaigning for Barack Obama because she says she is impressed with his candidacy. In response Hillary Clinton noted Oprah was also once impressed with the authenticity of author James Fry." --Bob Hirschfeld, Maryland
"The Republican candidates sparred bitterly over abortion during last night's debate as they each claimed to be the most 'pro-life.' Most of the candidates did so by promising to try to overturn Roe v. Wade, but Rudy Giuliani improvised by impregnating three women in the audience." --Jake Novak, New York
"Because of the writers strike, CBS has cancelled the televised Democratic presidential debate scheduled for December 10th. As a result, Americans have never been more pro-union than they are right now." --Jake Novak, New York
"Al Gore met with President Bush at the White House for a discussion on global warming. The White House press secretary called the meeting 'cordial' and noted that Bush even presented Gore with a holiday gift—a snow globe filled with chads." --Bob Hirschfeld, Maryland
"Doctors administered an electrical shock to Vice President Dick Cheney's heart and restored it to a normal rhythm during a 2 1/2 hour hospital visit Monday. It required 1/2 hour to normalize his heartbeat. The other two hours were spent trying to locate his heart." --Gary Bachman, Maryland
"It was announced that Dick Cheney would undergo a heart procedure today…talk about microscopic surgery! Of course you know what that means…America is only a heartbeat away from George W. Bush actually running the country." --Ken Dull, Illinois
Previous Jokes
"Mississippi Republican Sen. Trent Lott, the Senate's minority whip, announced that he will be retiring from the Senate at the end of January, citing frustration over 'not being able to whip minorties.' Senator Lott will now spend time segregating his family." --Michael Hayne, New York
"Vice President Cheney was found to have an irregular heartbeat during an examination due to a persistent cough. His doctor believes the cough may be due to waterboarding a turkey in cold weather in preparation for Thanksgiving dinner." --Bob Hirschfeld, Maryland
"Pakistani President Gen. Pervez Musharraf will indeed quit as head of the army and take the oath of office for a third term later this week. This is a bad move; ditching the army is how you become President of the United States not Pakistan!" --Jake Novak, New York
"Oprah Winfrey will campaign for Barack Obama, the first time the talk show host has become directly involved in a presidential campaign. Her appearances with Obama are sure to draw huge crowds—especially since everyone who attends will receive a free car." --Bob Hirschfeld, Maryland
"Republican presidential hopeful Fred Thompson is proposing an income tax plan that would allow Americans to choose a simplified system with only two rates: 10% and 25%. Of course, the current 0% rate for major campaign donors will remain in effect regardless." --Jake Novak, New York
"Democratic presidential candidates vowed not to participate in a Dec 10 debate if the writers’ strike is not settled by then. Though the candidates claim it’s to show union solidarity, in reality a writers' strike would leave them unscripted for the debate." --Bob Hirschfeld, Maryland
"Rudy Giuliani proposed the concept of a 'virtual fence' of high tech monitoring along the Mexican border. He says the technology is very effective since his own estranged children use it to avoid him." --Bob Hirschfeld, Maryland
Previous Jokes
"Former White House press secretary Scott McClellan claims in his new book that he was misled by Vice President Cheney about the leak of a CIA operative. McClellan was unavailable for comment, reportedly spending Thanksgiving in the Caribbean — at Guantanamo Bay." --Bob Hirschfeld, Maryland
"A new report says that 27 million Americans will jam airports this Thanksgiving... 20 million of them will actually be travelers still delayed from last Thanksgving." --Jake Novak, New York
"Did you hear that Hillary Clinton's decided that if she's elected, she'll have only male interns working at the White House? She wants to make sure that Valerie Plame's cover is the only thing that gets blown there." --Barry Rabin, Pennsylvania
"After New York Gov. Elliot Spitzer withdrew his proposal to issue drivers licenses to illegal aliens, Hillary Clinton was asked if she had any regrets about her inconsistent comments on his plan. She responded, 'I never double-talk, but I understand why I do it.'" --Madeleine Begun Kane, New York
"After leaving a press conference earlier this week, Hillary Clinton’s staffers avoided a near catastrophe when four American flags came crashing down in front of the democratic candidate. Even flags are 'piling' on Hillary. In response, Rudy Giuliani said it’s a sign America will come crashing down like two towers in New York City where I was mayor if Hillary is elected." --Michael Hayne, New York
"An LAPD counterterrorism plan to map out local areas which might be likely to become isolated and susceptible to 'violent, ideologically-based extremism' has been shelved. It turns out all the cops already knew where Hollywood is." –Jake Novak, New York
Got jokes? Post them in our comments section or email them to politicalhumor.guide@about.com
Suffering from joke withdrawl? You can browse through our sprawling archive of late-night jokes skewering the likes of President Bush, Hillary Clinton, Rudy Giuliani, and the rest of the 2008 presidential candidates.
"Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid will keep the legislative body in pro forma session over the holiday break to block President Bush from making political appointments. No important business will be conducted, which means the Democrats are continuing their legislative agenda." --Bob Hirschfeld, Maryland
"Despite the writers strike, NBC says 'The Tonight Show' and 'Late Night with Conan O'Brien' will return with new programs on January 2nd. The shows will simply not use any comedy writers, kind of like what 'Saturday Night Live' has been doing for 15 years." --Jake Novak, New York
"Fidel Castro indicated Monday he's ready to step down from power in Cuba. He's suffering from gastro-intestinal problems. President Bush is going to throw a fit when it dawns on him that all it takes to overthrow a brutal dictator is Mexican food." --Argus Hamilton, Los Angeles
"A Japanese study holds out the promise that stem cells from liposuctioned fat could be used to increase women's breast size without the use of implants. Today Bill Clinton called for a 30 percent increase in funding for stem cell research." --Gary Bachman, Maryland
"Republican presidential candidate Rudy Giuliani spent last night at a St. Louis hospital with flu-like symptoms. Like everyone else Giuliani spends the night with, all the hospital's doctors and nurses will get free limo service every time they visit New York." --Jake Novak
"It's being reported that that Alberto Gonzales was involved with discussions about destroying the CIA interrogation tapes when he was White House counsel. Democrats in Congress were going to request he testify but decided it would save time just to enter 'I do not recall' into the record." --Bob Hirschfeld, Maryland
Previous Jokes
"Former President Clinton said when he dated Hillary, he told her to dump him and focus on political office. Considering he also recently said he was opposed to war with Iraq, which Hillary supported, she may finally take him up on his offer." --Bob Hirschfeld, Maryland
"Did you see Rudy Giuliani giggle his way through that Tim Russert interview? It was a lot like Hillary Clinton’s cackle-fest, only an octave higher. And the two candidates have something else in common — they’re both slipping in the polls. But don’t worry — they can always get work as a laugh track." --Madeleine Begun Kane, New York
"Republican candidates held a presidential debate for Hispanic voters on Sunday in Florida, which aired on Spanish language television. They got a hostile reception. Almost one third of the studio audience had just been fired by Mitt Romney." --Argus Hamilton, Los Angeles
"Oprah Winfrey campaigned with Barrack Obama in Iowa. The two spoke in front of huge, enthusiastic crowds. And ten lucky people in attendance received free makeovers." --Gary Bachman, Maryland
"President Bush accidentally gave out the wrong phone number for the subprime mortgage helpline yesterday and instead announced a number that was actually for a Christian school in Texas. Unfortunately, most callers found out Jesus doesn't want to give them a loan either." --Jake Novak, New York
"Did you hear any of Oprah's Obama speeches? That woman’s one hell of an actress! She actually had me believing she's black." --Madeleine Begun Kane, New York
Previous Jokes
"President Bush insists that a revised intelligence report saying Iran is not developing nuclear weapons makes no difference in his policy toward that country. At least he's consistent, since intelligence was not a factor in going to war with Iraq." --Bob Hirschfeld, Maryland
"The U.S. government now says Iran won't be able to build a nuclear weapon until 2010 at the earliest. The news is calming millions of Americans with adjustable rate mortgages that aren't due to reset until 2011." --Jake Novak, New York
"Rudy Giuliani dropped like a rock in the national polls Monday as his scandals began to catch up with him. They involve adultery, cronyism and public payroll padding. As a result, he is running fifth among Republicans but he leads all Democrats." --Argus Hamilton, Los Angeles
"The National Intelligence Estimate on Iran was finally released Monday showing that Tehran has no nuclear weapons program. It turns out Dick Cheney sat on this report for a year. So he didn't have a heart procedure last week, it was a colonoscopy." --Argus Hamilton, Los Angeles
"President Bush told leaders of 40 nations in Annapolis, Maryland that achieving peace in the Middle East is the central goal of his final year as president. He then left the peace conference to return to the White House and continue planning war with Iran." --Bob Hirschfeld, Maryland
"During the Republican debate on Wednesday night Mitt Romney and John McCain sparred over what constituted torture. You know what torture is? It's watching a bunch of Republicans debate for two hours." --Gary Bachman, Maryland
"Oprah Winfrey will be campaigning for Barack Obama because she says she is impressed with his candidacy. In response Hillary Clinton noted Oprah was also once impressed with the authenticity of author James Fry." --Bob Hirschfeld, Maryland
"The Republican candidates sparred bitterly over abortion during last night's debate as they each claimed to be the most 'pro-life.' Most of the candidates did so by promising to try to overturn Roe v. Wade, but Rudy Giuliani improvised by impregnating three women in the audience." --Jake Novak, New York
"Because of the writers strike, CBS has cancelled the televised Democratic presidential debate scheduled for December 10th. As a result, Americans have never been more pro-union than they are right now." --Jake Novak, New York
"Al Gore met with President Bush at the White House for a discussion on global warming. The White House press secretary called the meeting 'cordial' and noted that Bush even presented Gore with a holiday gift—a snow globe filled with chads." --Bob Hirschfeld, Maryland
"Doctors administered an electrical shock to Vice President Dick Cheney's heart and restored it to a normal rhythm during a 2 1/2 hour hospital visit Monday. It required 1/2 hour to normalize his heartbeat. The other two hours were spent trying to locate his heart." --Gary Bachman, Maryland
"It was announced that Dick Cheney would undergo a heart procedure today…talk about microscopic surgery! Of course you know what that means…America is only a heartbeat away from George W. Bush actually running the country." --Ken Dull, Illinois
Previous Jokes
"Mississippi Republican Sen. Trent Lott, the Senate's minority whip, announced that he will be retiring from the Senate at the end of January, citing frustration over 'not being able to whip minorties.' Senator Lott will now spend time segregating his family." --Michael Hayne, New York
"Vice President Cheney was found to have an irregular heartbeat during an examination due to a persistent cough. His doctor believes the cough may be due to waterboarding a turkey in cold weather in preparation for Thanksgiving dinner." --Bob Hirschfeld, Maryland
"Pakistani President Gen. Pervez Musharraf will indeed quit as head of the army and take the oath of office for a third term later this week. This is a bad move; ditching the army is how you become President of the United States not Pakistan!" --Jake Novak, New York
"Oprah Winfrey will campaign for Barack Obama, the first time the talk show host has become directly involved in a presidential campaign. Her appearances with Obama are sure to draw huge crowds—especially since everyone who attends will receive a free car." --Bob Hirschfeld, Maryland
"Republican presidential hopeful Fred Thompson is proposing an income tax plan that would allow Americans to choose a simplified system with only two rates: 10% and 25%. Of course, the current 0% rate for major campaign donors will remain in effect regardless." --Jake Novak, New York
"Democratic presidential candidates vowed not to participate in a Dec 10 debate if the writers’ strike is not settled by then. Though the candidates claim it’s to show union solidarity, in reality a writers' strike would leave them unscripted for the debate." --Bob Hirschfeld, Maryland
"Rudy Giuliani proposed the concept of a 'virtual fence' of high tech monitoring along the Mexican border. He says the technology is very effective since his own estranged children use it to avoid him." --Bob Hirschfeld, Maryland
Previous Jokes
"Former White House press secretary Scott McClellan claims in his new book that he was misled by Vice President Cheney about the leak of a CIA operative. McClellan was unavailable for comment, reportedly spending Thanksgiving in the Caribbean — at Guantanamo Bay." --Bob Hirschfeld, Maryland
"A new report says that 27 million Americans will jam airports this Thanksgiving... 20 million of them will actually be travelers still delayed from last Thanksgving." --Jake Novak, New York
"Did you hear that Hillary Clinton's decided that if she's elected, she'll have only male interns working at the White House? She wants to make sure that Valerie Plame's cover is the only thing that gets blown there." --Barry Rabin, Pennsylvania
"After New York Gov. Elliot Spitzer withdrew his proposal to issue drivers licenses to illegal aliens, Hillary Clinton was asked if she had any regrets about her inconsistent comments on his plan. She responded, 'I never double-talk, but I understand why I do it.'" --Madeleine Begun Kane, New York
"After leaving a press conference earlier this week, Hillary Clinton’s staffers avoided a near catastrophe when four American flags came crashing down in front of the democratic candidate. Even flags are 'piling' on Hillary. In response, Rudy Giuliani said it’s a sign America will come crashing down like two towers in New York City where I was mayor if Hillary is elected." --Michael Hayne, New York
"An LAPD counterterrorism plan to map out local areas which might be likely to become isolated and susceptible to 'violent, ideologically-based extremism' has been shelved. It turns out all the cops already knew where Hollywood is." –Jake Novak, New York
Got jokes? Post them in our comments section or email them to politicalhumor.guide@about.com
Suffering from joke withdrawl? You can browse through our sprawling archive of late-night jokes skewering the likes of President Bush, Hillary Clinton, Rudy Giuliani, and the rest of the 2008 presidential candidates.
Comments
Here’s a joke:
An employee at a Wisconsin gas station accidentally changed the price of gas to 33 cents per gallon before going home for the night.>> Customers flooded the station. Some of the pro Bush patrons wanted to chip in and put up a banner that read “Mission Accomplished.”
Another joke:
A doorman working a Manhattan apartment building has been suspended for having bad breath. >> Management got suspicious when they learned that- to avoid the doorman - tenants on the 4th and 5th floors were seen leaving their apartment through the window.
These are jokes? The sooner the writers’ strike is over, the better.
CNN reported this morning that thick, black smoke was pouring from windows at the Eisenhower Executive Office Building about 100 feet from the West Wing of the White House. The smoke appeared to be coming from the window of the office occupied by Vice President Dick Cheney. Fortunately, Cheney was across the street at the White House at the time. So we know he was not responsible.