"Some sad news today for Barack Obama. Did you hear about this? Apparently, he's been endorsed by former candidate, John Kerry. Just when things are going so well." --Jay Leno
"Congratulations to Hillary Clinton, the big winner up there in New Hampshire. Despite all the predictions by the pundits, Hillary Clinton refused to roll over. How many times has Bill heard that?" --Jay Leno
"And on the Republican side, congratulations to John McCain. Fascinating comeback story, this John McCain, quite a guy. Highly decorated veteran. Spent five and a half years in prison then went into politics. Usually it's the other way around." --Jay Leno
"Not such good news for John Edwards. He came in third. Third. Proving, yes, there are two Americas and neither one is voting for him." --Jay Leno
"Bill Clinton lashed out at Barack Obama yesterday, he accused him of running a fairy tale campaign. It's a fairy tale in which a horny king tries to get his queen elected to the White House so he can go out and fornicate with maidens, and then a handsome black prince comes along and screws the whole thing up for him. So, you can see why he's very upset." --Jimmy Kimmel
"Bill Clinton is giving a speech in New Hampshire. I guess it was yesterday. During the speech, he takes a cell phone call from his wife Hillary. And, you know, Bill, of course, keeps the cell phone on vibrate -- I don't even have to finish the joke, do I? -- because when it hums in his pants, it reminds him of the '90s" --David Letterman
"Did you folks see the debates in New Hampshire over the weekend? Oh my god, dull. ... I mean, they were so dull that today, and it was official, I saw it in the paper, New Hampshire changed its state slogan from 'Live Free or Die' to 'Please Shoot Me.'" --David Letterman
"The Republicans, however, we all know are very satisfied with the way things are. They're backing George Bush. They're very excited about things. Before the Iowa campaign, the GOP was on board with status quo [on screen: Mitt Romney saying, 'We should come together and recognize the great work our president is doing and not take our rhetoric or our plays from the Democratic playbook']. Exactly. That was a week ago before Iowa. None of these guys jumping on the reformed boat to Change-istan. Sorry, I'm being told something's changed [on screen: Romney saying, 'Not only can I talk change with you, I've lived it']. For instance, did you see that clip of me from last week saying the exact opposite of what I'm saying now? How many people can change like that over night? For God's sake, I am a shape shifter." --Jon Stewart
Read more late-night jokes about the presidential candidates...
See also:
Current Late-Night Jokes
Election Humor Central
2008 Campaign Cartoons
Funny Pics of the Candidates
Idiotic Quotes from the Candidates
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