"Congressional investigations into Roger Clemens and the steroid use begin tomorrow. And it's interesting, you know? We didn't get bin Laden but by God, we're nailing this guy." --David Letterman

"Roger Clemens denies being injected by his trainer. And what I thought was interesting was every time in the proceedings that they mentioned Roger Clemens' buttocks, Sen. Larry Craig would swoon." --David Letterman

"Here's something interesting. They did a poll on whether Bill's campaigning for Hillary helped her or hurt her. And 38% thought it hurt her, 36 percent thought it helped her, and 26 percent said, 'He never told me he was married!'" --Jay Leno

"How about that Mitt Romney? I'm going to miss him. He's like the archaeologist who ignored the curse of the mummy's tomb. ... He looks like the dull fiance that Julie Roberts dumps for the co-star. ... He looks like the author of the book on seven keys to success. ... He looks like the guy who puts on a dress and wig and sneaks into the lifeboat." --David Letterman (Read more of Letterman's Mitticisms)

"Actually they say the race between Barack and Hillary could be decided by the voters of Texas. Texas! Which is a comfort -- when it comes to providing smart politicians, Texas is the place you want to be." --Jay Leno

"Earlier today Hillary promised that her husband wouldn't be involved in any sex scandals if she were elected president. Also today, Bill Clinton backed Barack Obama." --Craig Ferguson

"While our writers were gone, Democratic candidates Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama all declared their support for the writers strike. Meanwhile, President Bush announced he's in favor of a 'readers' strike.'" --Conan O'Brien

"After John McCain swept yesterday's primaries he purposely stole a line Barack Obama's been using, 'I'm fired up and ready to go.' When Obama heard this he stole a line McCain's been using, 'I'm old and not sure where I am.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Barack Obama is now considered the front-runner. You know what they say, behind every successful man is a woman. Hillary was surprised to find out that it was her." --Jay Leno

"As you know, Barack has won the last eight primaries. I haven't seen Hillary this worried since they opened a Hooters in Chappaqua." --Jay Leno

"Hillary Clinton continually reminds voters that she has been tested. Which makes sense. You never know what Bill might have brought home." --Jay Leno

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