"But seriously how about that John McCain? John McCain looks like a guy whose head you can barely see over the steering wheel. ... John McCain looks like the guy who picks up his TV remote when the phone rings. … John McCain looks like the guy who has to be told to close his robe. ... John McCain looks like the guy who thinks the nurses are stealing his stuff. 'Dad, why would they take your socks? It doesn't make sense.'" --David Letterman (Read more jabs at McCain)

"You all know Senator Larry Craig, America's favorite restroom enthusiast, we call him. He announced he is taking applications for summer interns to work in his office. ... Isn't that unbelievable? Would you want that on your resume? 'I served under Larry Craig.' All interviews will be conducted in stall number three, I believe. You just wait and he'll push some papers under the door." --Jay Leno

"Last night was the final Democratic debate. ... I guess one of the big stories was that Barack Obama had a little bit of trouble last night. He is so smooth and he's so good, but last night he had a little trouble. Last night, during the debate, Barack Obama mispronounced the word 'Massachusetts' twice and then mispronounced the word 'filibuster.' Yeah, which explains why this morning, Obama was endorsed by President Bush." --Conan O'Brien

"Hillary criticized Obama so strongly that at one point he yelled at her. He just said, 'Hey, easy, lady, we're not married'" --David Letterman

"Hillary Clinton's campaign is trying to embarrass Barack Obama. Have you seen this? They have circulated pictures of Obama wearing tribal dress. Obama wanted to strike back, but there are no pictures of Hillary wearing a dress." --Craig Ferguson

"No, Obama and Hillary argued last night over which candidate the Republicans are most afraid of. Interesting. I don't want to take sides here, but I think it's pretty obvious which candidate Republicans are most afraid of, John McCain." --Jay Leno

"They have debated so much that they are now debating about debating. Did you see this? A lot of this debate was about the power of words. Hillary said, 'Actions speak louder than words,' Then Obama said, 'Words can speak as loud as actions.' And then McCain said, 'Speak louder!'" --Bill Maher

"Ralph Nader announced he is running for president again. His announcement has filled millions of people with excitement and hope. And these people are called Republicans." --Craig Ferguson

"And my favorite candidate, Ralph Nader, announced he's running for president! Oh, I love Ralph. You know, you can't get rid of him. Every election year he pops up. He's like the herpes of presidential candidates." --Jay Leno

"How about that Ralph Nader, ladies and gentlemen. He looks like the night manager of a creepy motel, doesn't he? ... He looks like a guy whose compound would be raided by ATF agents…He looks like the guy who can't find his table after he goes to the salad bar." --David Letterman (Read more jabs at Ralph Nader)

"Bill Clinton's been getting in the way of Hillary's campaign. Can you believe that? She's really upset about it, so she's encouraged him to start dating again." --David Letterman

"This is exciting news. Southern Methodist University announced that they will be the home of George W. Bush's presidential library. This will be the first presidential library to be made up entirely of small, shiny objects. In fact, I understand right now, they're building a shelf for the book." --Jay Leno

"The New York Times says that John McCain had a close, personal relationship with a beautiful, young, female lobbyist. Do you believe this? Think about it. A senator, who's a Republican having sex with a woman." --Jay Leno

"If it does turn out to be true, then John McCain's critics have a point - he really does act more like a Democrat." --Jay Leno

"I think this is a cynical attempt by the McCain campaign to make their candidate appear youthful and vigorous. I think they made the whole thing up and filtered it through the New York Times. You know, just like Bush did with the weapons of mass destruction in Iraq. ... Because there's no real evidence to this story. Yes, a lot of people saw McCain going around with a cheap blond in a slinky dress, but they figured it was Rudy Giuliani." --Bill Maher

"The New York Times this week printed an article alleging that John McCain may have had an improper affair with lobbyist Vicki Iseman. Or, as it's known among lobbyists, lobbying." --Amy Poehler

"Anyway, the New York Times did it again today. Did you see the paper today? They released a story suggesting Hillary was sleeping with Bill. Now, come on. There's only so much you can believe." --Jay Leno

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