"Barack Obama announced that after all the insulting comments and bitterness, he is severing his 20-year relationship with Reverend Wright. After hearing this, Bill Clinton said, 'Wait, you can do that with someone?'" --Conan O'Brien

"Kind of a big brouhaha with the Republicans going on here, because (Jenna Bush) said she wasn't sure that she was going to support McCain. She said she's 'open to learning' about the other candidates.' … But come on, this is kind of a treason in the Bush family. Not supporting a Democrat -- being open to learning. That's outrageous." --Bill Maher

"Hillary Clinton says she's willing to debate Barack Obama. This is what she said: anytime, anywhere, and would even meet him in the back of a truck. Yeah, which is surprising, because the 'anytime, anywhere, even in back of a truck' offer is usually made by Bill Clinton." --Conan O'Brien

"President Bush announced the rebate checks for at least $600. ... The rebates were pushed through by the president to help get the economy going. It's kind of like when the mom of the kid nobody likes bakes everyone cupcakes so you can pretend to like him until the cupcakes are gone, and then you go back to giving him wedgies." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Hillary Clinton announced today she’ll appear on 'The O'Reilly Factor.' That should be a great confrontation. On one side, a loudmouthed bully who wants to tear apart the Democratic Party and on the other side, there's Bill O'Reilly." --Craig Ferguson

"Tomorrow night on Fox News, Hillary Clinton is gonna be making her first ever appearance on Bill O'Reilly's show, 'The O'Reilly Factor.' Yeah, Hillary should do well, 'cause she has years of experience yelling 'Shut up, Bill!'" --Conan O'Brien

"Barack's former pastor, Jeremiah Wright, the guy is everywhere. He's everywhere now. In fact, next week, he's making a guest appearance on 'How I Met Your Mother.' Did you know that? He's playing the secretary. No, he's making speeches. He's on the radio. And Reverend Wright says he'd rather just go home and retire, but the money Hillary is paying him is so good." --Jay Leno

"President Bush is taking a lot of heat right now, with the economy. President Bush has just been accused of trying to avoid questions about the economy. Because during yesterday's press conference, he told a reporter that she looked good in yellow and then asked about her baby. Even more embarrassing for Bush, the reporter was Wolf Blitzer." --Conan O'Brien

"If you're following the campaign, you know John McCain is currently on his tour of forgotten places. He's touring what he calls forgotten places. Of course, when you're 71, the room you just walked into is a forgotten place, isn't it? 'Why did I come in here again? I was just here.'" --Jay Leno

"David Blaine today broke the world record for holding his breath, on 'Oprah' — 17 minutes, four seconds. Blaine has now frozen himself, he's starved himself, he's gone without sleep for weeks, and deprived himself of oxygen. Today, Dick Cheney said, 'See, it's not torture. It's magic.'" --Jimmy Kimmel

"Tomorrow I go to Washington D.C. to perform at the White House Correspondents Dinner. It’s thrown by the press corps for the president and his staff. Everyone who works for the president will be there. Dick Cheney will be there; Condoleezza Rice will be there; Fox News will be there." --Craig Ferguson (Watch video of Ferguson at the Correspondents Dinner)

"I don’t want to sit next to John McCain. I don’t want to be the one who has to cut his meat into little pieces." --Craig Ferguson

"The president was also at the White House Correspondents Dinner this weekend. He did a little comedy routine there, too. And, he grabbed the baton and conducted the Marine Corps band [on screen: video of Bush conducting the band]. The man leading that band is also leading this country. And I think he did a better job with the band." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Kind of a strange thing happened this weekend at a big event in Washington, DC. President Bush, I guess he got excited, so he picked up a baton and he started conducting the U.S. Marine Band. Yeah, unfortunately, the president got upset because the band didn't know the song, 'The Wheels on the Bus.' They go 'round and 'round, apparently." --Conan O'Brien

"How 'bout that John McCain, you like John McCain? I like John McCain. He looks like a guy who goes grocery shopping and yells at the bagboy, 'Put the eggs on top. Hey, hey junior, put the eggs on top.' He looks like a guy who still calls the TV the 'Idiot Box.' ... He looks like a guy you take shopping and have to yell into the changing room, 'Everything alright in there, pop?'" --David Letterman (Read more of Letterman's jabs at Old Man McCain)

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