The Week's Best Late-Night Jokes
Friday May 9, 2008
"Hillary Clinton says she isn't dropping out because there are still six states that haven't had their Democratic primary. That's right. Barack Obama's favored in the states of Oregon, Montana and South Dakota, and Hillary is favored in the state of denial." --Conan O'Brien"Hillary needed to win decisively in both states tonight, she didn't do that, which means her chances to win the nomination are very slim. But will she quit? Oh, not a chance. She will stay in the race for as long as it takes to elect John McCain president." --Jimmy Kimmel
"Barack Obama picked up four more superdelegates this week. Those are the party big shots whose votes, for some reason, mean a lot more than our votes mean. Even so, it's nice to see a politician pick up something other than a prostitute every once in a while." --Jimmy Kimmel
"John McCain's wife was recently overheard saying that they own eight or nine homes. Eight or nine homes, yeah. Yeah, McCain's wife denied this, and stated, 'What I said is, I've tried to put him in a home eight or nine times.'" --Conan O'Brien
"Hey, you know who is getting married this weekend? One of the Bush sisters. Jenna Bush, is getting married this weekend at her father's place in Crawford, Texas. And this is no surprise: the $2 billion ice sculpture contract went to Halliburton." --David Letterman
"I thought this was nice. For their wedding night, President Bush is loaning the groom his 'Mission Accomplished' banner." --David Letterman
"Former President Clinton gave a campaign speech for Hillary while standing on the back of a pickup truck. True. And like all the speeches Bill Clinton gives in the back of a pickup truck, it began, 'You have beautiful eyes.'" --Conan O'Brien
"The Democrats are in a tough spot now, because if the super delegates somehow give the nomination to Clinton, that's going to alienate a lot of African-Americans who support Obama. But if Obama wins, there are going to be a lot of disappointed women voters, which is why I think more than ever we need a President Oprah." --Jimmy Kimmel
"Hillary Clinton said, in an interview with George Stephanopoulos Sunday night, that Rush Limbaugh has always had a crush on her. What is it with the Clintons and their magical power over chubby people? What is it? Chubby people can't resist them." --Jay Leno
"I guess it's neck and neck with Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton. They've got a big primary tomorrow, and they're everywhere right now. Yesterday's entire 'Meet the Press' was devoted to Barack Obama, while the entire 'This Week with George Stephanopoulos' was devoted to Hillary Clinton. ... Meanwhile, John McCain spent the day watching a 'Golden Girls' marathon." --Conan O'Brien
"Speaking of Hillary, I don't know if you've seen this. One of the most popular videos on YouTube right now is footage of Hillary Clinton trying to make herself is a cup of coffee, but not being able to get the machine to work. Yeah, when he saw the video, Bill Clinton said, 'Yeah, she's not very good at turning things on.'" --Conan O'Brien
"Folks, today is Monday, which means tomorrow is Tuesday, which means it must be time for, 'Indecision '08: The Long Flat Seemingly Endless Bataan Death March to the White House.' The United States election is headed to Guam, where residents of our nation's 32nd largest island ... in your face Hinchinbrook Island, Alaska! ... got a chance to weigh in, reaping the benefits of America's 1944 retaking of the turd-shaped paradise. ... They split Guam! It's like two miles wide. They split it. The margin would have been even closer, but the Ferguson's canoe got hit by a sea turtle." --Jon Stewart
"President Bush has offered to help Myanmar. I guess it used to be called Burma. That's where they had that terrible cyclone, where thousands of people were killed as the country was hit by a devastating cyclone. In fact, Bush offered to help the country under one condition, 'Don't tell New Orleans." --Jay Leno
"President Bush celebrated Cinco de Mayo at the White House last night. Si. And he said, 'We consider ourselves fortunate that Mexico is a friend and a neighbor' Very nice, yeah. Then Bush said, 'And by 'neighbor,' I mean the kind who climbs over your fence and never leaves.'" --Conan O'Brien
"I don't know if you're aware of this. We just passed a big milestone yesterday. True story. Yesterday was the five-year anniversary of President Bush's speech in front of the 'Mission Accomplished' banner. Yeah, to celebrate, today, President Bush gave a speech in front of a banner that said 'Economic Recession Over.'" --Conan O'Brien
"Today also happens to be the fifth anniversary of the day that President Bush stood in front of an aircraft carrier with the huge 'Mission Accomplished' banner behind him. Turned out, unless the mission was to blow two trillion dollars and wind up with four dollar a gallon gas, it wasn't accomplished. ... I'm going to miss President Bush, as a comedian. Not as an American." --Jimmy Kimmel
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Comments
Arizona has the funniest candidates for President. It would only be funnier, if it wasn’t for real!
If you think the national leading candidates were hitting rock bottom, Arizona has just set the bar lower, much lower. Unbeknown to cable news pundits spinning themselves silly around polls, Arizona’s Primary is destined to make history. A grouping of dark-horse candidacies has doubled the choices for our nation’s highest elected office. Historic with four women on the ballot. Project White House 08, a microcosm of the national race, offers as much passion and absurdity as any of the front-running campaigns.
Tired of back-biting politics? Mud-sligning and name-calling?
Flip those national campaigns the proverbial finger and join the brave candidates of the Arizona Primary in their bold experiment in politics.
Project White House 08
“Thank you for your support, citizen.”
http://www.projectwhitehouse08.com
Shocking Hillary Clinton ad!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xxAVN0kWdC8
I thin Jay Leno’s joke was the best. lol Visit my blog to see more funny Political Cartoons at http://www.political-cartoons.org
I don’t know how many votes you get for American Idol, but Dancing with the Stars you get 7 and Dance Wars you get 5. In Florida’s Primary, you only get 1 vote for President, but if you are a Democrat, it doesn’t even count!
love all the pictures - say are there any conservative humorists or was Will Rogers the last?
Since ridicule is the best way to destroy a candidates integrity, I don’t suppose it matters.
It’s like a political TiVo — I can even read Leno’s jokes w/o that annoying voice.
Anyway, you’ve been included over at “Something Smells Funny” (found2bfunny.blogspot.com). Congrats! Feel free to brag to your friends.
Oh yes!
:)
McCain has enough delegates to claim the nomination. When I saw the “1191″ behind him I thought it was his birth date.
i love the humor about the election… checkout this site as well…
www.thecandidateschat.com
The only thing worse than these guys are the wives that stand by their men.
http://thecandidacy.com/2008/03/13/elliot-spitzer-is-an-ass/
“Vice President Dick Cheney is in Baghdad. While he was in Iraq, he said that it’s a successful endeavor. At least I think that’s what he said. It was hard to hear over the explosions.”
Woah… that is… dull?
Obamanation - A Poem To Make One Shudder
OBAMANATION
Obama goes to church for twenty years
And sits and listens with those huge ears
Yet, expects us to believe he doesn’t hear?
That’s an Obamanation.
And have you noticed how close a name
Can be to a person’s lifetime game?
Like Hitler’s name’s a clue - A. Hit.
And that’s an Obamanation.
I get a bad feeling when I hear
The name that goes with those big deaf ears,
That pray upon our racial fears,
I hear an Obamanation.
Goodbye to hope and peace and change
Obama’s sainthood is most profane
Please do not laugh at my explanation
Obama is an Obamanation.
It seems like God is sending us a clue
To protect our red, white and blue
From false prophets, the likes of who
Bear clues - It’s Obama, Nation!
His preacher-monster, hateful bigot,
Spews death and blood like an open spigot
Don’t join the ranks of foolish exaltation
I believe he’ll lead us to O’, say it, Bomb A Nation.
The devil assumes a pleasing shape
While teaching hatred of whites, that is spiritual rape,
What’s in his name that excites my imagination?
I believe he wants to O’, say it, Bomb Our Nation.
He wants to bomb America, that’s right, with “change”
Whatever that means, it is horrifyingly strange
To preach hatred of whites should bring condemnation
Especially when the name’s an Obamanation.
TO HARRISON WATERS,
DO YOU BELONG TO THE NEO-NAZI PARTY? OR MAYBE YOUR JUST A FOX NEWS JUNKIE.
Thought you’d like this. It’s a George W. Bush as Caligula, trailer remix! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ENzNMg0nu80
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Great quotes and jokes. Apart from getting all these serious issues going on about politics, jokes tend to bring a little laughter.
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The campaign for president this year, is just to easy to joke about. I think this video is pretty funny.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BYH86eYxR4Y
Googdbye Hill-a-ry
Though I never knew you at all
You had the grace to stick about
While those around you groaned
They crawled out from Capitol Hill
And they whispered into your brain
They set you off NAFTA
And they made you change your stance
And it seems to me you lived your life
Like a pigeon in a storm
Never knowing what to do
When a black man came along
And I would have liked to know you
But you always lied
Your integrity burned out long ago
Your defeat never will
Selling out was tough
The toughest lie you ever told
Washington creating a grinch
And Monica was the price you paid
Even when you lied
Oh the press still hounded you
All the papers had to say
Was that there were no snipers in Bosnia
Goodbye Hill-a-ry
From the young man in the 22nd congressional district
Who sees you as something more than deceptive
More than just our cheated first lady
So many candidates from which to pick, yet not one that’s worth a flick…
Pick Boogers For President!