The Week's Best Late-Night Jokes
Friday June 6, 2008
"People are now talking about the ticket, Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton. Would that be a good ticket? And I think this would be the first, if you think about it, first combination of an African American man and a white woman since, well, Michael Jackson." --David Letterman"Now that Barack Obama is the Democratic nominee, Americans are going to have to choose between the 46-year-old Obama and the 71-year-old John McCain. That's the choice. In other words, it's a choice between the Hillary-defeater or the Wal-Mart greeter." --Conan O'Brien
"Of course, everyone is wondering now if Obama will ask Hillary to be his running mate. Obama actually tried to call her last night, and got her voicemail twice. I guess she only takes calls at 3:00 a.m. It was also probably hard to hear the phone over the sound of over her husband weeping." --Jimmy Kimmel
"Hillary Clinton is ending her campaign, but really in the bigger sense it's sad because, think about it, there goes right down the drain the Clinton dream of a being a two-impeachment family." –David Letterman
"Hillary Clinton is still not conceding her campaign, because she says there's still a chance of the vice presidency. In fact, she's going to offer it to Barack one last time." --Jay Leno
"During her speech last night, you know, Hillary kept referring to Barack as 'my friend, my friend.' You notice, every time she called Barack 'my friend,' she said it in the same tone as when she calls Bill, 'my husband.'" --Jay Leno
"Ladies and gentlemen, we've often heard the phrase 'all good things must come to an end.' But very rarely do you hear the phrase that f***ing tedious things must also end. And last night, after the 53rd and 54th episodes of the long-running Bataan Death March to the White House, we finally reached our conclusion [on screen: news coverage of Obama being named the presumptive Dem nominee]. And so it is that Barack Hussein Napoleon Pol Pot Obama now has a chance to become the first African-American president since season 1 of 24 [on screen: photo of Dennis Haysbert playing David Palmer of '24']. Oh, Dennis Haysbert." --Jon Stewart (Watch video clip)
"Looks like Barack Obama has won the nomination. Congratulations. And Hillary Clinton is about to drop out. She has not dropped out officially. That means Bill Clinton's about to hear those three words he's been dreading: 'Honey, I'm home!'" --Jay Leno
"You know, I think Bill Clinton's starting to lose it. Today, he responded to a Vanity Fair article suggesting he'd become angrier, by calling the reporter a sleazy, slimy, dishonest scumbag. He's the president, and he called the guy a scumbag. Well, that should nip those anger accusations in the bud, huh?" --Jay Leno
"Oh, and in his speech last night, John McCain said we must get off of fossil fuels. See, that's why a lot of people admire McCain. That's why he's considered such a maverick. Here you have a fossil, coming out against fossil fuel." --Jay Leno
"And former White House press spokesman Scott McClellan has written a book highly critical of the Bush administration. And while in Utah, President Bush told an audience he has not read McClellan's book. He doesn't plan to read it. It's nothing to do with McClellan, just general principle. It's a book. It's got big words, and not a lot of pictures." --Jay Leno
"And Dick Cheney has apologized to the people of West Virginia for making a joke about inbreeding at their expense. But see, I don't think Cheney gets it. In fact, today, while trying to apologize, he said he felt as stupid as a guy from Kentucky" --Jay Leno
"Our vice president, our old friend, Dick Cheney got in some trouble, made a joke. Did you hear about this? Made a joke about West Virginia, but he apologized. He did apologize for the joke he made about West Virginia. Nothing yet on the Iraqi war." --David Letterman
"Hillary may be dropping out of the campaign, and the campaign is broke. Don't kid yourselves. They've spent a lot of money there. So broke today, Hillary was wearing a certified pre-owned pantsuit. Yeah. Campaign is so broke that a collection agency repo-ed all her pantsuits. Hillary is desperate to raise money. Today she entered a wet pantsuit contest. Hillary is nothing if not an optimist. She sees that the pantsuit is half full. And you know, when Hillary was campaigning in Puerto Rico she was wearing a skimpy, two-piece pantsuit. Come on! Don't leave me now. We haven't even made a dent in these. When Hillary was campaigning in Wisconsin, she was wearing a cheese pantsuit. When Hillary was campaigning in Texas, she was wearing a pantsuit with chaps. When Hillary was campaigning in Florida, it was so hot, she was wearing her pantsuit without the pants." --David Letterman
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Comments
Arizona has the funniest candidates for President. It would only be funnier, if it wasn’t for real!
If you think the national leading candidates were hitting rock bottom, Arizona has just set the bar lower, much lower. Unbeknown to cable news pundits spinning themselves silly around polls, Arizona’s Primary is destined to make history. A grouping of dark-horse candidacies has doubled the choices for our nation’s highest elected office. Historic with four women on the ballot. Project White House 08, a microcosm of the national race, offers as much passion and absurdity as any of the front-running campaigns.
Tired of back-biting politics? Mud-sligning and name-calling?
Flip those national campaigns the proverbial finger and join the brave candidates of the Arizona Primary in their bold experiment in politics.
Project White House 08
“Thank you for your support, citizen.”
http://www.projectwhitehouse08.com
Shocking Hillary Clinton ad!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xxAVN0kWdC8
I thin Jay Leno’s joke was the best. lol Visit my blog to see more funny Political Cartoons at http://www.political-cartoons.org
I don’t know how many votes you get for American Idol, but Dancing with the Stars you get 7 and Dance Wars you get 5. In Florida’s Primary, you only get 1 vote for President, but if you are a Democrat, it doesn’t even count!
love all the pictures - say are there any conservative humorists or was Will Rogers the last?
Since ridicule is the best way to destroy a candidates integrity, I don’t suppose it matters.
It’s like a political TiVo — I can even read Leno’s jokes w/o that annoying voice.
Anyway, you’ve been included over at “Something Smells Funny” (found2bfunny.blogspot.com). Congrats! Feel free to brag to your friends.
Oh yes!
:)
McCain has enough delegates to claim the nomination. When I saw the “1191″ behind him I thought it was his birth date.
i love the humor about the election… checkout this site as well…
www.thecandidateschat.com
The only thing worse than these guys are the wives that stand by their men.
http://thecandidacy.com/2008/03/13/elliot-spitzer-is-an-ass/
“Vice President Dick Cheney is in Baghdad. While he was in Iraq, he said that it’s a successful endeavor. At least I think that’s what he said. It was hard to hear over the explosions.”
Woah… that is… dull?
Obamanation - A Poem To Make One Shudder
OBAMANATION
Obama goes to church for twenty years
And sits and listens with those huge ears
Yet, expects us to believe he doesn’t hear?
That’s an Obamanation.
And have you noticed how close a name
Can be to a person’s lifetime game?
Like Hitler’s name’s a clue - A. Hit.
And that’s an Obamanation.
I get a bad feeling when I hear
The name that goes with those big deaf ears,
That pray upon our racial fears,
I hear an Obamanation.
Goodbye to hope and peace and change
Obama’s sainthood is most profane
Please do not laugh at my explanation
Obama is an Obamanation.
It seems like God is sending us a clue
To protect our red, white and blue
From false prophets, the likes of who
Bear clues - It’s Obama, Nation!
His preacher-monster, hateful bigot,
Spews death and blood like an open spigot
Don’t join the ranks of foolish exaltation
I believe he’ll lead us to O’, say it, Bomb A Nation.
The devil assumes a pleasing shape
While teaching hatred of whites, that is spiritual rape,
What’s in his name that excites my imagination?
I believe he wants to O’, say it, Bomb Our Nation.
He wants to bomb America, that’s right, with “change”
Whatever that means, it is horrifyingly strange
To preach hatred of whites should bring condemnation
Especially when the name’s an Obamanation.
TO HARRISON WATERS,
DO YOU BELONG TO THE NEO-NAZI PARTY? OR MAYBE YOUR JUST A FOX NEWS JUNKIE.
Thought you’d like this. It’s a George W. Bush as Caligula, trailer remix! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ENzNMg0nu80
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Great quotes and jokes. Apart from getting all these serious issues going on about politics, jokes tend to bring a little laughter.
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The campaign for president this year, is just to easy to joke about. I think this video is pretty funny.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BYH86eYxR4Y
Googdbye Hill-a-ry
Though I never knew you at all
You had the grace to stick about
While those around you groaned
They crawled out from Capitol Hill
And they whispered into your brain
They set you off NAFTA
And they made you change your stance
And it seems to me you lived your life
Like a pigeon in a storm
Never knowing what to do
When a black man came along
And I would have liked to know you
But you always lied
Your integrity burned out long ago
Your defeat never will
Selling out was tough
The toughest lie you ever told
Washington creating a grinch
And Monica was the price you paid
Even when you lied
Oh the press still hounded you
All the papers had to say
Was that there were no snipers in Bosnia
Goodbye Hill-a-ry
From the young man in the 22nd congressional district
Who sees you as something more than deceptive
More than just our cheated first lady
So many candidates from which to pick, yet not one that’s worth a flick…
Pick Boogers For President!