The Week's Best Late-Night Jokes
Thursday June 19, 2008
"Barack Obama said if he becomes president he will replace the White House bowling alley because it's something he would never use. Yeah, apparently, this is the same reason President Bush got rid of the White House library." --Conan O'Brien"Gay marriage is now legal in California and yesterday, a lesbian couple who are 83 and 87 years old got married. Witnesses are describing the ceremony as 'beautiful' -- and the honeymoon as 'horrifying.'" --Conan O'Brien
"Some say gay marriage will soon be an everyday event as common as, like, a Pamela Anderson marriage." --Jay Leno
"Barack Obama said today that he is going to fight for votes in all 50 states. Yeah. That's what he said. Meanwhile, John McCain said he's going to fight for votes in all 13 colonies." --Conan O'Brien
"Hillary Clinton in the news. This week, Hillary Clinton posted a slideshow of campaign photos on her website, but none of the pictures show Bill Clinton. Yeah. Bill said, 'That's okay, none of the websites I go to have pictures of Hillary.'" --Conan O'Brien
"President Bush said that, after he retires, he wants to write a book. ... Bush said, he's not sure if it will be about politics or about his personal life, but he is sure it will be a pop-up book." --Conan O'Brien
"Barack Obama's staff and John McCain's staff are busy now negotiating when the presidential debates will take place. That's good, yeah. Yeah, Obama wants them to be in September, and McCain wants them to be after his nap, but before 'Wheel of Fortune.'" --Conan O'Brien
"John McCain is actively courting women over 60. And I'm thinking, who does this guy think he is, Ashton Kutcher?" --David Letterman
"I got to mention this right right away, 'cause we were all watching it here at the show. At the U.S. Open, 32-year-old Tiger Woods came back to beat 45-year-old Rocco Mediate. It was amazing. ... And apparently, when he heard that a younger, African-American beat an older white man, John McCain said, 'Uh oh. That's not good.'" --Conan O'Brien
"In a recent interview, President Bush said that he might not be the last President Bush if his brother, Jeb, decides to run. When he heard this, Jeb said, 'Please stop reminding everyone we're related. Shut up!'" --Conan O'Brien
"Well, a new poll shows that less than 1 out of 4 Americans now think President Bush is doing a good job. 1 in 4. So that means when President Bush is having dinner with his wife and two daughters, he's the only one at the table that thinks he's doing a good job." --Jay Leno
"Ladies and gentlemen, our President George W. Bush is traveling in Europe and he spent the last couple of days in Italy. He went to Venice, and he thought the streets were flooded. And he said don't worry, FEMA is on the way." --David Letterman
"Hey, have you heard this story that Barack Obama and Scarlett Johansson are apparently e-mail buddies? Scarlett Johansson is quoted as saying, 'My heart belongs to Barack Obama.' How about that, huh? Barack's not even president yet, still doing waaay better than Bill Clinton ever did." --Jay Leno
"Nation, last Friday, America lost one of the greats, Tim Russert. He was a man of great personal integrity and journalistic ethics, and yet his show was incredibly popular. I have no idea how he did it. I personally may not have been a big fan of the way he 'prepared' for interviews or treated guests fairly, but I always respected his ability to nail people. He could take your words and twist them in a way that held you accountable for the things you said. I personally have the honor to appear on 'Meet the Press' during my short run for president in South Carolina. I'm not going to say I was nervous. But this was the shirt I wore that day [on screen: Colbert holds up a shirt with large sweat stains on it]. I wish that were a joke. And I have to give credit to the master of the nail, he nailed me [on screen: Colbert's appearance on 'Meet the Press,' with Russert asking Colbert why he pronounces his name Col-behr, while his family pronounces it Col-bert. Russert also used 'Sesame Street' character Bert to illustrate his point about the pronunciation of Colbert's name]. This supposedly objective interview show was clearly brought to you by the letter 't.' Russert was a model journalist who brought dignity, credibility and joy to his work. He will be sorely missed" --Stephen Colbert (Watch video clip)
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Comments
Arizona has the funniest candidates for President. It would only be funnier, if it wasn’t for real!
If you think the national leading candidates were hitting rock bottom, Arizona has just set the bar lower, much lower. Unbeknown to cable news pundits spinning themselves silly around polls, Arizona’s Primary is destined to make history. A grouping of dark-horse candidacies has doubled the choices for our nation’s highest elected office. Historic with four women on the ballot. Project White House 08, a microcosm of the national race, offers as much passion and absurdity as any of the front-running campaigns.
Tired of back-biting politics? Mud-sligning and name-calling?
Flip those national campaigns the proverbial finger and join the brave candidates of the Arizona Primary in their bold experiment in politics.
Project White House 08
“Thank you for your support, citizen.”
http://www.projectwhitehouse08.com
Shocking Hillary Clinton ad!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xxAVN0kWdC8
I thin Jay Leno’s joke was the best. lol Visit my blog to see more funny Political Cartoons at http://www.political-cartoons.org
I don’t know how many votes you get for American Idol, but Dancing with the Stars you get 7 and Dance Wars you get 5. In Florida’s Primary, you only get 1 vote for President, but if you are a Democrat, it doesn’t even count!
love all the pictures - say are there any conservative humorists or was Will Rogers the last?
Since ridicule is the best way to destroy a candidates integrity, I don’t suppose it matters.
It’s like a political TiVo — I can even read Leno’s jokes w/o that annoying voice.
Anyway, you’ve been included over at “Something Smells Funny” (found2bfunny.blogspot.com). Congrats! Feel free to brag to your friends.
Oh yes!
:)
McCain has enough delegates to claim the nomination. When I saw the “1191″ behind him I thought it was his birth date.
i love the humor about the election… checkout this site as well…
www.thecandidateschat.com
The only thing worse than these guys are the wives that stand by their men.
http://thecandidacy.com/2008/03/13/elliot-spitzer-is-an-ass/
“Vice President Dick Cheney is in Baghdad. While he was in Iraq, he said that it’s a successful endeavor. At least I think that’s what he said. It was hard to hear over the explosions.”
Woah… that is… dull?
Obamanation - A Poem To Make One Shudder
OBAMANATION
Obama goes to church for twenty years
And sits and listens with those huge ears
Yet, expects us to believe he doesn’t hear?
That’s an Obamanation.
And have you noticed how close a name
Can be to a person’s lifetime game?
Like Hitler’s name’s a clue - A. Hit.
And that’s an Obamanation.
I get a bad feeling when I hear
The name that goes with those big deaf ears,
That pray upon our racial fears,
I hear an Obamanation.
Goodbye to hope and peace and change
Obama’s sainthood is most profane
Please do not laugh at my explanation
Obama is an Obamanation.
It seems like God is sending us a clue
To protect our red, white and blue
From false prophets, the likes of who
Bear clues - It’s Obama, Nation!
His preacher-monster, hateful bigot,
Spews death and blood like an open spigot
Don’t join the ranks of foolish exaltation
I believe he’ll lead us to O’, say it, Bomb A Nation.
The devil assumes a pleasing shape
While teaching hatred of whites, that is spiritual rape,
What’s in his name that excites my imagination?
I believe he wants to O’, say it, Bomb Our Nation.
He wants to bomb America, that’s right, with “change”
Whatever that means, it is horrifyingly strange
To preach hatred of whites should bring condemnation
Especially when the name’s an Obamanation.
TO HARRISON WATERS,
DO YOU BELONG TO THE NEO-NAZI PARTY? OR MAYBE YOUR JUST A FOX NEWS JUNKIE.
Thought you’d like this. It’s a George W. Bush as Caligula, trailer remix! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ENzNMg0nu80
Here are more of the weeks funniest jokes
THE DAILY DUMP
Great quotes and jokes. Apart from getting all these serious issues going on about politics, jokes tend to bring a little laughter.
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The campaign for president this year, is just to easy to joke about. I think this video is pretty funny.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BYH86eYxR4Y
Googdbye Hill-a-ry
Though I never knew you at all
You had the grace to stick about
While those around you groaned
They crawled out from Capitol Hill
And they whispered into your brain
They set you off NAFTA
And they made you change your stance
And it seems to me you lived your life
Like a pigeon in a storm
Never knowing what to do
When a black man came along
And I would have liked to know you
But you always lied
Your integrity burned out long ago
Your defeat never will
Selling out was tough
The toughest lie you ever told
Washington creating a grinch
And Monica was the price you paid
Even when you lied
Oh the press still hounded you
All the papers had to say
Was that there were no snipers in Bosnia
Goodbye Hill-a-ry
From the young man in the 22nd congressional district
Who sees you as something more than deceptive
More than just our cheated first lady
So many candidates from which to pick, yet not one that’s worth a flick…
Pick Boogers For President!
TOP 10 THINGS FOR OBAMA TO REMEMBER ABOUT HAVING HILLARY ON THE TICKET
10. Don’t leave Bill alone with Michelle.
9. Never accept Hillary challenge to beer-and-a-shot contest in redneck
bar.
8. Take phone off hook to avoid her annoying 3 a.m. calls.
7. Bill could be your best entrée to black community.
6. Let Hillary grill prospective pastors for you.
5. Try matching suits if she agrees that pinstripes are slenderizing.
4. Send her to Iran and Iraq, watch ‘em beg for peace.
3. Kick off the Inaugural Ball with Elton John singing, “The B*tch is Back”
2. If she gets out of line, send her back to Bosnia – this time, call ahead
for snipers.
AND the NO. 1 thing to consider…
Whenever Hilly stands behind you, have Secret Service frisk her for her
“favorite” guns.
Sure, he used to be a Democrat, but on the other hand he is willing to say anything, and next to John McCain, he’s almost charismatic. Plus, in the GOP’s southern base, his religion is less despised than Mitt Romney’s. Let’s check him out:
Current job: U.S. senator from Connecticut
Age: 66.
Astrological sign: Pisces.
A-hole factor (1-10): 11.
Vibe: Annoying.
For more about Joe Lieberman.: http://www.236.com/news/2008/06/19/i_wanna_be_number_two_joe_lieb_1_7243.php