The Week's Best Late-Night Jokes
Friday July 25, 2008
"After a quick meet-and-greet with King Abdullah, Obama was off to Israel, where he made a quick stop at the manger in Bethlehem where he was born." --Jon Stewart, on Barack Obama's Middle East trip"It was kind of surprising; they really love Obama in Germany. He's like a rock star over there. It's impressive until you realize that David Hasselhoff is also like a rock star over there." --Jimmy Kimmel
"Hey, did you see Barack Obama playing basketball with our troops in Iraq? Did you see that one shot he made from 40 feet? 40 feet. Let me tell you something. If shooting baskets now is a requirement to be president, a white guy may never have that job again." --Jay Leno
"John McCain said that Iraq and Afghanistan share a common border, that’s what he was saying. Mistakenly said that Iraq and Afghanistan have a common border, and I thought, well, no wonder we can't find Osama Bin Laden -- we've been searching an imaginary border." --David Letterman
"A lot of people think, to take some of the spotlight off of Barack Obama, that John McCain will announce his vice presidential choice this week. And most think it's going be Mitt Romney. See, I don't know. You know, when Romney and McCain stand together, doesn't it look like one of those slick Countrywide lenders trying to trick your grandfather into reverse mortgage?" --Jay Leno
"Former mayor Rudolph Giuliani took his buddy John McCain to the Yankee game. Yes, sir. And did you know this. It was old white guy day. That's what it was. I like that John McCain. He looks like the guy they would send out to the mound to settle down a young pitcher. Give me the ball, show you the thing. McCain kept asking Giuliani, when's DiMaggio coming up?" --David Letterman
"McCain insisted that he had the correct Iraq policies, no matter which verb tense you use [on screen: McCain saying 'we will succeed' in Iraq and 'we have succeeded' and 'we are winning']. And then we will have won. Having been winning, we will have had to win. My friends, we will would have. Is there a less convoluted, perhaps less classy way to describe the differences between you and Obama? [on screen: McCain saying he had the courage to prefer losing a campaign instead to losing a war] Now, now, senator, don't set your sights so low. You could still lose both." --Jon Stewart
"Barack Obama was in Israel today. Did you see Barack wearing the traditional Jewish yarmulke? He looked very Jewish. Yeah. In fact, Jesse Jackson said, I'd like to circumcise him." --Jay Leno
"NBC News defended their coverage of Barack Obama. They've been accused of giving him more favorable treatment than John McCain. And today NBC News denied it. They said, 'That's ridiculous, we've never even heard of John McCain.'" --Jay Leno
"Now, you know, I don't want to say McCain is running a lackluster campaign, but his Secret Service code name is 'Bob Dole.' That's not good." --Jay Leno
"So far the only gaffe of the trip belongs to Iraqi Prime Minister al-Maliki. When speaking to a German magazine, Maliki said that he supported Obama's plan to draw down troops over the next 16 months. Saying, quote, 'we think it would be the right time-frame for a withdrawal.' God, Maliki is so naive about Iraq. One presumably stern phone call later, U.S. Centcom released a statement from the Iraqis claiming that al-Maliki had been mistranslated by the German magazine. Because, as you know, there is one thing Germans are known for: sloppiness and lack of precision." --Jon Stewart
"Nation, lately, all the economic news has been bad. First, the government had to prop up Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac. It is our own fault for naming our lending institutions after the starts of 'Hee Haw.' Then there was Indymac, the third-largest bank failure in U.S. history. Without Indymac, where will indie bands put all the money they're not making? Folks, it's getting so these days I'm keeping all my assets under my mattress, which is fitting, because I'm heavily invested in old Playboys. Most disturbing of all, last week, the dollar hit another record low against the Euro. The Euro is now worth $1.57. To put that into perspective, that's more than a dollar." --Stephen Colbert
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Comments
Arizona has the funniest candidates for President. It would only be funnier, if it wasn’t for real!
If you think the national leading candidates were hitting rock bottom, Arizona has just set the bar lower, much lower. Unbeknown to cable news pundits spinning themselves silly around polls, Arizona’s Primary is destined to make history. A grouping of dark-horse candidacies has doubled the choices for our nation’s highest elected office. Historic with four women on the ballot. Project White House 08, a microcosm of the national race, offers as much passion and absurdity as any of the front-running campaigns.
Tired of back-biting politics? Mud-sligning and name-calling?
Flip those national campaigns the proverbial finger and join the brave candidates of the Arizona Primary in their bold experiment in politics.
Project White House 08
“Thank you for your support, citizen.”
http://www.projectwhitehouse08.com
Shocking Hillary Clinton ad!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xxAVN0kWdC8
I thin Jay Leno’s joke was the best. lol Visit my blog to see more funny Political Cartoons at http://www.political-cartoons.org
I don’t know how many votes you get for American Idol, but Dancing with the Stars you get 7 and Dance Wars you get 5. In Florida’s Primary, you only get 1 vote for President, but if you are a Democrat, it doesn’t even count!
love all the pictures - say are there any conservative humorists or was Will Rogers the last?
Since ridicule is the best way to destroy a candidates integrity, I don’t suppose it matters.
It’s like a political TiVo — I can even read Leno’s jokes w/o that annoying voice.
Anyway, you’ve been included over at “Something Smells Funny” (found2bfunny.blogspot.com). Congrats! Feel free to brag to your friends.
Oh yes!
:)
McCain has enough delegates to claim the nomination. When I saw the “1191″ behind him I thought it was his birth date.
i love the humor about the election… checkout this site as well…
www.thecandidateschat.com
The only thing worse than these guys are the wives that stand by their men.
http://thecandidacy.com/2008/03/13/elliot-spitzer-is-an-ass/
“Vice President Dick Cheney is in Baghdad. While he was in Iraq, he said that it’s a successful endeavor. At least I think that’s what he said. It was hard to hear over the explosions.”
Woah… that is… dull?
Obamanation - A Poem To Make One Shudder
OBAMANATION
Obama goes to church for twenty years
And sits and listens with those huge ears
Yet, expects us to believe he doesn’t hear?
That’s an Obamanation.
And have you noticed how close a name
Can be to a person’s lifetime game?
Like Hitler’s name’s a clue - A. Hit.
And that’s an Obamanation.
I get a bad feeling when I hear
The name that goes with those big deaf ears,
That pray upon our racial fears,
I hear an Obamanation.
Goodbye to hope and peace and change
Obama’s sainthood is most profane
Please do not laugh at my explanation
Obama is an Obamanation.
It seems like God is sending us a clue
To protect our red, white and blue
From false prophets, the likes of who
Bear clues - It’s Obama, Nation!
His preacher-monster, hateful bigot,
Spews death and blood like an open spigot
Don’t join the ranks of foolish exaltation
I believe he’ll lead us to O’, say it, Bomb A Nation.
The devil assumes a pleasing shape
While teaching hatred of whites, that is spiritual rape,
What’s in his name that excites my imagination?
I believe he wants to O’, say it, Bomb Our Nation.
He wants to bomb America, that’s right, with “change”
Whatever that means, it is horrifyingly strange
To preach hatred of whites should bring condemnation
Especially when the name’s an Obamanation.
TO HARRISON WATERS,
DO YOU BELONG TO THE NEO-NAZI PARTY? OR MAYBE YOUR JUST A FOX NEWS JUNKIE.
Thought you’d like this. It’s a George W. Bush as Caligula, trailer remix! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ENzNMg0nu80
Here are more of the weeks funniest jokes
THE DAILY DUMP
Great quotes and jokes. Apart from getting all these serious issues going on about politics, jokes tend to bring a little laughter.
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Breaking News, Jokes. Join the conversation
The campaign for president this year, is just to easy to joke about. I think this video is pretty funny.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BYH86eYxR4Y
Googdbye Hill-a-ry
Though I never knew you at all
You had the grace to stick about
While those around you groaned
They crawled out from Capitol Hill
And they whispered into your brain
They set you off NAFTA
And they made you change your stance
And it seems to me you lived your life
Like a pigeon in a storm
Never knowing what to do
When a black man came along
And I would have liked to know you
But you always lied
Your integrity burned out long ago
Your defeat never will
Selling out was tough
The toughest lie you ever told
Washington creating a grinch
And Monica was the price you paid
Even when you lied
Oh the press still hounded you
All the papers had to say
Was that there were no snipers in Bosnia
Goodbye Hill-a-ry
From the young man in the 22nd congressional district
Who sees you as something more than deceptive
More than just our cheated first lady
So many candidates from which to pick, yet not one that’s worth a flick…
Pick Boogers For President!
TOP 10 THINGS FOR OBAMA TO REMEMBER ABOUT HAVING HILLARY ON THE TICKET
10. Don’t leave Bill alone with Michelle.
9. Never accept Hillary challenge to beer-and-a-shot contest in redneck
bar.
8. Take phone off hook to avoid her annoying 3 a.m. calls.
7. Bill could be your best entrée to black community.
6. Let Hillary grill prospective pastors for you.
5. Try matching suits if she agrees that pinstripes are slenderizing.
4. Send her to Iran and Iraq, watch ‘em beg for peace.
3. Kick off the Inaugural Ball with Elton John singing, “The B*tch is Back”
2. If she gets out of line, send her back to Bosnia – this time, call ahead
for snipers.
AND the NO. 1 thing to consider…
Whenever Hilly stands behind you, have Secret Service frisk her for her
“favorite” guns.
Sure, he used to be a Democrat, but on the other hand he is willing to say anything, and next to John McCain, he’s almost charismatic. Plus, in the GOP’s southern base, his religion is less despised than Mitt Romney’s. Let’s check him out:
Current job: U.S. senator from Connecticut
Age: 66.
Astrological sign: Pisces.
A-hole factor (1-10): 11.
Vibe: Annoying.
For more about Joe Lieberman.: http://www.236.com/news/2008/06/19/i_wanna_be_number_two_joe_lieb_1_7243.php
a twist on ferguson’s joke:
“John McCain and Barack Obama have both laid out their energy plans. Obama wants enough ‘green’ energy to power the entire U.S. economy, and McCain just wants enough power to keep his energy friends in the ‘green’.”
The Top Ten Signs of the Obamessiah
Obama preached to the multitude by the side of the lake.
Obama created new states from out of the void.
Obama turned whine into Kool-Aid® for his followers.
Obama came to us carried upon a donkey.
Obama triumphed over the beast, the enemy of all men.
Obama was stoned and yet he has risen.
Obama’s flock has millions of sheep.
Obama will reign over us from a house with many rooms.
You must have no other candidates before Obama.
Obama will raise voters from the dead. Count on it.
I’m a bit tired of the McCain and Obama jokes already. We need the VP candidates to get announced soon so Letterman and O’Brien will have new fodder for entertainment.
In the meantime, I’d rather go back to making fun of George W…
Conan, you insulted the million of Americans who wear dentures! There’s no way McCain’s yellow teeth aren’t his own. Either that, or he’s too cheap to buy some Polident.
What great poetry, song lyrics and humorous lists posted here, people! I’ve enjoyed them all!
You’re a talented bunch!
…I’d rather go back to making fun of George W…
Hey, that’s Dubby’s job. Let him enjoy it while it lasts!
I expect Obama can rise above the cacophony of lame jokes the same way he walks on water