The Week's Best Late-Night Jokes
Friday August 1, 2008
"Have you seen the new commercial? The McCain campaign compares Barack Obama to Britney Spears and Paris Hilton. And today the Obama campaign released an ad comparing John McCain to Zsa Zsa Gabor and Bea Arthur." --Jay Leno"McCain is not backing down. He's defending the commercial. He says, like Paris, Barack Obama is all talk and little action. Really? Has he seen her sex video? There is no talk. It is all action." --Jay Leno
"According to the National Enquirer, John Edwards was caught leaving his girlfriend's hotel room at the Beverly Hilton at 2 AM in the morning. If this story turns out to be true, there goes his chance of becoming Vice President; though he could still be governor of New York." --Jay Leno
"Barack Obama gave a speech in Germany and 200,000 people showed up. There were so many Germans shouting and screaming that France surrendered just in case." --Craig Ferguson
"While Barack Obama was campaigning in Germany, he spoke to a half million people in Germany, a half million people. And while he was doing that, John McCain, he wasn't laying around, no, no. John McCain was out driving in his driveway and he backed over the mailbox." --David Letterman
"Demeaning Obama is not why this is a dick move by McCain. It's a dick move by McCain because one of the fine young ladies featured in this ad (on screen: photo of Paris Hilton)…her parents, the Hiltons, contributed $4,600, the maximum you can contribute, to the campaign of none other than John McCain. John McCain is saying to the Hiltons, 'I thank you kindly for your support. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go take a nationally televised dump on your daughter.'" --Jon Stewart, on McCain's attack ad comparing Obama to Paris Hilton and Britney Spears (Watch video clip)
"There's a lot of what they call buzz going around in the blogosphere right now that Barack Obama will choose the Governor of Virginia, this guy Tim Kaine, to be his running mate. Officially Obama hasn't said anything, all they say is that he's narrowed the pool of candidates down to 'Not Hillary.'" --Jimmy Kimmel
"Insiders say Hillary was never on Obama's VP list. Obama felt it would have been too much to put her on the ticket. Bad enough to worry about Jesse cutting them off, didn't want to worry about Hillary breaking them, too. You know what I'm saying?" --Jay Leno
"Barack Obama says that next month he's planning on spending a week on vacation in Hawaii. When he heard this, President Bush said, 'Pace yourself, because once you become president, the vacations start coming fast and furious.'" --Conan O'Brien
"And according to the TV show 'Extra,' former vice president Dan Quayle, remember him? He's in the running to join the cast of 'Dancing with the Stars.' That's true, Dan Quayle, you remember, he was vice president under the first George Bush. See, that was back in the day when the president was smart and the vice president was an idiot. Now, of course, everything's turned around." --Jay Leno
"I'm not the only one who noticed the press' bias against John McCain. So has John McCain. Last week, his campaign sent an e-mail to reporters saying, 'It's pretty obvious that the media has a bizarre fascination with Barack Obama. Some may even say it's a love affair.' This has got to be hard on McCain. It is tough seeing your old flame with someone new. John McCain and the media had a very hot fling back in the summer of 2000. They even had cute little nicknames for each other. The press called McCain 'maverick,' and McCain called the press any time he wanted favorable coverage." --Stephen Colbert
"Beijing skies are so polluted that Chinese authorities are planning emergency measures for the Olympics. For example, protesters will now only be run over with hybrid tanks." --Jay Leno
"Nation, I've got great news -- I am furious. Today Alaska Senator Ted Stevens was unfairly indicted by the Justice Department., just because the oilfield company VECO didn't charge him for an extensive renovation on his house -- including a brand new first floor, a fully finished basement, a wrap-around deck, and, one assumes, installing the latest internet tubes [on-screen: Stevens talking about the internet not being a 'big truck,' but a 'series of tubes']. The Justice Department is calling this a conflict of interest. Please -- VECO is a major oil drilling company, and Senator Stevens worked tirelessly to allow drilling in ANWR. That's not a conflict of interest -- their interests line up perfectly. This is a non-story folks, and I look forward to Stevens being proven innocent when President Bush commutes his sentence." --Stephen Colbert
"Then this morning, the senator paid a visit to the Western Wall, one of the holiest sites in Judaism, where he followed the custom of putting a message into one of the wall's crevices. It's typically a prayer God. Through my connections, I managed to get a hold of Obama's prayer. It reads, 'Dear God, Please protect my nuts from Jesse Jackson.' Gotta make sure this gets back in that wall. Note to self, put back in wall." --Stephen Colbert
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Comments
Arizona has the funniest candidates for President. It would only be funnier, if it wasn’t for real!
If you think the national leading candidates were hitting rock bottom, Arizona has just set the bar lower, much lower. Unbeknown to cable news pundits spinning themselves silly around polls, Arizona’s Primary is destined to make history. A grouping of dark-horse candidacies has doubled the choices for our nation’s highest elected office. Historic with four women on the ballot. Project White House 08, a microcosm of the national race, offers as much passion and absurdity as any of the front-running campaigns.
Tired of back-biting politics? Mud-sligning and name-calling?
Flip those national campaigns the proverbial finger and join the brave candidates of the Arizona Primary in their bold experiment in politics.
Project White House 08
“Thank you for your support, citizen.”
http://www.projectwhitehouse08.com
Shocking Hillary Clinton ad!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xxAVN0kWdC8
I thin Jay Leno’s joke was the best. lol Visit my blog to see more funny Political Cartoons at http://www.political-cartoons.org
I don’t know how many votes you get for American Idol, but Dancing with the Stars you get 7 and Dance Wars you get 5. In Florida’s Primary, you only get 1 vote for President, but if you are a Democrat, it doesn’t even count!
love all the pictures - say are there any conservative humorists or was Will Rogers the last?
Since ridicule is the best way to destroy a candidates integrity, I don’t suppose it matters.
It’s like a political TiVo — I can even read Leno’s jokes w/o that annoying voice.
Anyway, you’ve been included over at “Something Smells Funny” (found2bfunny.blogspot.com). Congrats! Feel free to brag to your friends.
Oh yes!
:)
McCain has enough delegates to claim the nomination. When I saw the “1191″ behind him I thought it was his birth date.
i love the humor about the election… checkout this site as well…
www.thecandidateschat.com
The only thing worse than these guys are the wives that stand by their men.
http://thecandidacy.com/2008/03/13/elliot-spitzer-is-an-ass/
“Vice President Dick Cheney is in Baghdad. While he was in Iraq, he said that it’s a successful endeavor. At least I think that’s what he said. It was hard to hear over the explosions.”
Woah… that is… dull?
Obamanation - A Poem To Make One Shudder
OBAMANATION
Obama goes to church for twenty years
And sits and listens with those huge ears
Yet, expects us to believe he doesn’t hear?
That’s an Obamanation.
And have you noticed how close a name
Can be to a person’s lifetime game?
Like Hitler’s name’s a clue - A. Hit.
And that’s an Obamanation.
I get a bad feeling when I hear
The name that goes with those big deaf ears,
That pray upon our racial fears,
I hear an Obamanation.
Goodbye to hope and peace and change
Obama’s sainthood is most profane
Please do not laugh at my explanation
Obama is an Obamanation.
It seems like God is sending us a clue
To protect our red, white and blue
From false prophets, the likes of who
Bear clues - It’s Obama, Nation!
His preacher-monster, hateful bigot,
Spews death and blood like an open spigot
Don’t join the ranks of foolish exaltation
I believe he’ll lead us to O’, say it, Bomb A Nation.
The devil assumes a pleasing shape
While teaching hatred of whites, that is spiritual rape,
What’s in his name that excites my imagination?
I believe he wants to O’, say it, Bomb Our Nation.
He wants to bomb America, that’s right, with “change”
Whatever that means, it is horrifyingly strange
To preach hatred of whites should bring condemnation
Especially when the name’s an Obamanation.
TO HARRISON WATERS,
DO YOU BELONG TO THE NEO-NAZI PARTY? OR MAYBE YOUR JUST A FOX NEWS JUNKIE.
Thought you’d like this. It’s a George W. Bush as Caligula, trailer remix! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ENzNMg0nu80
Here are more of the weeks funniest jokes
THE DAILY DUMP
Great quotes and jokes. Apart from getting all these serious issues going on about politics, jokes tend to bring a little laughter.
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The campaign for president this year, is just to easy to joke about. I think this video is pretty funny.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BYH86eYxR4Y
Googdbye Hill-a-ry
Though I never knew you at all
You had the grace to stick about
While those around you groaned
They crawled out from Capitol Hill
And they whispered into your brain
They set you off NAFTA
And they made you change your stance
And it seems to me you lived your life
Like a pigeon in a storm
Never knowing what to do
When a black man came along
And I would have liked to know you
But you always lied
Your integrity burned out long ago
Your defeat never will
Selling out was tough
The toughest lie you ever told
Washington creating a grinch
And Monica was the price you paid
Even when you lied
Oh the press still hounded you
All the papers had to say
Was that there were no snipers in Bosnia
Goodbye Hill-a-ry
From the young man in the 22nd congressional district
Who sees you as something more than deceptive
More than just our cheated first lady
So many candidates from which to pick, yet not one that’s worth a flick…
Pick Boogers For President!
TOP 10 THINGS FOR OBAMA TO REMEMBER ABOUT HAVING HILLARY ON THE TICKET
10. Don’t leave Bill alone with Michelle.
9. Never accept Hillary challenge to beer-and-a-shot contest in redneck
bar.
8. Take phone off hook to avoid her annoying 3 a.m. calls.
7. Bill could be your best entrée to black community.
6. Let Hillary grill prospective pastors for you.
5. Try matching suits if she agrees that pinstripes are slenderizing.
4. Send her to Iran and Iraq, watch ‘em beg for peace.
3. Kick off the Inaugural Ball with Elton John singing, “The B*tch is Back”
2. If she gets out of line, send her back to Bosnia – this time, call ahead
for snipers.
AND the NO. 1 thing to consider…
Whenever Hilly stands behind you, have Secret Service frisk her for her
“favorite” guns.
Sure, he used to be a Democrat, but on the other hand he is willing to say anything, and next to John McCain, he’s almost charismatic. Plus, in the GOP’s southern base, his religion is less despised than Mitt Romney’s. Let’s check him out:
Current job: U.S. senator from Connecticut
Age: 66.
Astrological sign: Pisces.
A-hole factor (1-10): 11.
Vibe: Annoying.
For more about Joe Lieberman.: http://www.236.com/news/2008/06/19/i_wanna_be_number_two_joe_lieb_1_7243.php
a twist on ferguson’s joke:
“John McCain and Barack Obama have both laid out their energy plans. Obama wants enough ‘green’ energy to power the entire U.S. economy, and McCain just wants enough power to keep his energy friends in the ‘green’.”
The Top Ten Signs of the Obamessiah
Obama preached to the multitude by the side of the lake.
Obama created new states from out of the void.
Obama turned whine into Kool-Aid® for his followers.
Obama came to us carried upon a donkey.
Obama triumphed over the beast, the enemy of all men.
Obama was stoned and yet he has risen.
Obama’s flock has millions of sheep.
Obama will reign over us from a house with many rooms.
You must have no other candidates before Obama.
Obama will raise voters from the dead. Count on it.
I’m a bit tired of the McCain and Obama jokes already. We need the VP candidates to get announced soon so Letterman and O’Brien will have new fodder for entertainment.
In the meantime, I’d rather go back to making fun of George W…
Conan, you insulted the million of Americans who wear dentures! There’s no way McCain’s yellow teeth aren’t his own. Either that, or he’s too cheap to buy some Polident.
What great poetry, song lyrics and humorous lists posted here, people! I’ve enjoyed them all!
You’re a talented bunch!
…I’d rather go back to making fun of George W…
Hey, that’s Dubby’s job. Let him enjoy it while it lasts!
I expect Obama can rise above the cacophony of lame jokes the same way he walks on water