The Week's Best Late-Night Jokes
Friday August 29, 2008
"Thirty-eight million people watched Barack Obama at the stadium in Denver. There were 84,000 full-throated supporters who turned out there at the field. The Republicans fired back today. They say, 'We can also fill a stadium with thousands of screaming people. For example, the Superdome during Hurricane Katrina.'" –Bill Maher"Not only is she young, they're saying she's the prettiest candidate for Vice President since John Edwards." --Jimmy Kimmel, on Sarah Palin
"Are you kidding me, the mayor of Wasilla, Alaska? Yeah, that’s who you want in the White House during a time of crisis. When she got a phone call at 3 in the morning, it was because a moose had gotten in the garbage can." --Bill Maher
"I think this is pertinent because McCain has been running this campaign based on, we’re at war, it’s a dangerous world out there. The Democrats don’t get that. I, John McCain, am the only one standing between the bloodthirsty Al Qaedas and you. But if I die, this stewardess can handle it." --Bill Maher
"Barack Obama sent out a cell phone text message at 3 a.m. on Saturday morning to tell everyone he picked Joe Biden as his vice president. How do you think this makes Hillary Clinton feel, huh? Finally, she gets a telephone call at 3 a.m., it's to tell her they picked Joe Biden." --Jay Leno
"Joe Biden is Barack Obama's running mate. Yeah nothing says change like a guy who's been in the Senate for 35 years" --David Letterman
"Earlier tonight, Hillary Clinton gave a big speech at the Democratic Convention in support of Barack Obama. Experts say it was the longest speech ever delivered entirely through clenched teeth." --Conan O'Brien
"They showed an inspirational film about the political career of Hillary Clinton at the Democratic Convention. It was moving, terribly dramatic and very insightful. The name of the film I believe was 'The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pantsuit.'" --David Letterman
"Michelle Obama said she's been in love with Barack ever since he took her on their first date and bought her ice cream. Isn't that sweet? Yeah, meanwhile, John McCain's wife Cindy says she's been in love with McCain ever since he hit her over the head with a club and dragged her back to his cave." --Conan O'Brien
"She must prove she loves America. As opposed to Republicans, who everyone knows loves America, they just hate half the people living in it." --Jon Stewart, on pundits calling for Michelle Obama to prove she is patriotic in her convention speech (Watch video clip)
"John McCain has finally decided on his vice president. The only question now is from which house will he make the announcement." --David Letterman
"Senator Hillary Clinton addressed the Democratic Convention. People were curious as to how strongly she would endorse her former foe. She endorsed him strongly. She said this country needs change, and whatever your feelings about the primaries, now is the time for the Democrats to put aside their differences and rally behind Mr. Potato Ears." –Jimmy Kimmel
"Hillary gave a rousing speech, it was so passionate, emotional, I'm telling you, Nancy Pelosi's face almost moved." --David Letterman
"At the Democratic Convention, Trojan Condoms has set up a pavilion where they're handing out thousands of free condoms. Yeah, apparently they're doing this in case John Edwards shows up." --Conan O'Brien
"The Republican Convention is next week. John McCain's campaign told President Bush that despite his low popularity, he will be allowed to speak at the first night of the convention. He also told Bush that the convention starts in December." --Conan O'Brien
"And they say that Barack Obama now is a little down in the polls. Now this is a surprise, because after they announced the vice presidential candidate, they were hoping to get that Joe Biden bounce. Now don't confuse that Joe Biden bounce with a Bill Clinton bounce -- that'll get you impeached." --David Letterman
"During the Democratic convention, this is true, delegates are being warned this year not to drink too much. They're being told not to drink too much, yeah. Yeah when asked why, Democratic officials said the last time we got drunk at a convention, we ended up nominating Walter Mondale." --Conan O'Brien
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Comments
Arizona has the funniest candidates for President. It would only be funnier, if it wasn’t for real!
If you think the national leading candidates were hitting rock bottom, Arizona has just set the bar lower, much lower. Unbeknown to cable news pundits spinning themselves silly around polls, Arizona’s Primary is destined to make history. A grouping of dark-horse candidacies has doubled the choices for our nation’s highest elected office. Historic with four women on the ballot. Project White House 08, a microcosm of the national race, offers as much passion and absurdity as any of the front-running campaigns.
Tired of back-biting politics? Mud-sligning and name-calling?
Flip those national campaigns the proverbial finger and join the brave candidates of the Arizona Primary in their bold experiment in politics.
Project White House 08
“Thank you for your support, citizen.”
http://www.projectwhitehouse08.com
Shocking Hillary Clinton ad!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xxAVN0kWdC8
I thin Jay Leno’s joke was the best. lol Visit my blog to see more funny Political Cartoons at http://www.political-cartoons.org
I don’t know how many votes you get for American Idol, but Dancing with the Stars you get 7 and Dance Wars you get 5. In Florida’s Primary, you only get 1 vote for President, but if you are a Democrat, it doesn’t even count!
love all the pictures - say are there any conservative humorists or was Will Rogers the last?
Since ridicule is the best way to destroy a candidates integrity, I don’t suppose it matters.
It’s like a political TiVo — I can even read Leno’s jokes w/o that annoying voice.
Anyway, you’ve been included over at “Something Smells Funny” (found2bfunny.blogspot.com). Congrats! Feel free to brag to your friends.
Oh yes!
:)
McCain has enough delegates to claim the nomination. When I saw the “1191″ behind him I thought it was his birth date.
i love the humor about the election… checkout this site as well…
www.thecandidateschat.com
The only thing worse than these guys are the wives that stand by their men.
http://thecandidacy.com/2008/03/13/elliot-spitzer-is-an-ass/
“Vice President Dick Cheney is in Baghdad. While he was in Iraq, he said that it’s a successful endeavor. At least I think that’s what he said. It was hard to hear over the explosions.”
Woah… that is… dull?
Obamanation - A Poem To Make One Shudder
OBAMANATION
Obama goes to church for twenty years
And sits and listens with those huge ears
Yet, expects us to believe he doesn’t hear?
That’s an Obamanation.
And have you noticed how close a name
Can be to a person’s lifetime game?
Like Hitler’s name’s a clue - A. Hit.
And that’s an Obamanation.
I get a bad feeling when I hear
The name that goes with those big deaf ears,
That pray upon our racial fears,
I hear an Obamanation.
Goodbye to hope and peace and change
Obama’s sainthood is most profane
Please do not laugh at my explanation
Obama is an Obamanation.
It seems like God is sending us a clue
To protect our red, white and blue
From false prophets, the likes of who
Bear clues - It’s Obama, Nation!
His preacher-monster, hateful bigot,
Spews death and blood like an open spigot
Don’t join the ranks of foolish exaltation
I believe he’ll lead us to O’, say it, Bomb A Nation.
The devil assumes a pleasing shape
While teaching hatred of whites, that is spiritual rape,
What’s in his name that excites my imagination?
I believe he wants to O’, say it, Bomb Our Nation.
He wants to bomb America, that’s right, with “change”
Whatever that means, it is horrifyingly strange
To preach hatred of whites should bring condemnation
Especially when the name’s an Obamanation.
TO HARRISON WATERS,
DO YOU BELONG TO THE NEO-NAZI PARTY? OR MAYBE YOUR JUST A FOX NEWS JUNKIE.
Thought you’d like this. It’s a George W. Bush as Caligula, trailer remix! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ENzNMg0nu80
Here are more of the weeks funniest jokes
THE DAILY DUMP
Great quotes and jokes. Apart from getting all these serious issues going on about politics, jokes tend to bring a little laughter.
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The campaign for president this year, is just to easy to joke about. I think this video is pretty funny.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BYH86eYxR4Y
Googdbye Hill-a-ry
Though I never knew you at all
You had the grace to stick about
While those around you groaned
They crawled out from Capitol Hill
And they whispered into your brain
They set you off NAFTA
And they made you change your stance
And it seems to me you lived your life
Like a pigeon in a storm
Never knowing what to do
When a black man came along
And I would have liked to know you
But you always lied
Your integrity burned out long ago
Your defeat never will
Selling out was tough
The toughest lie you ever told
Washington creating a grinch
And Monica was the price you paid
Even when you lied
Oh the press still hounded you
All the papers had to say
Was that there were no snipers in Bosnia
Goodbye Hill-a-ry
From the young man in the 22nd congressional district
Who sees you as something more than deceptive
More than just our cheated first lady
So many candidates from which to pick, yet not one that’s worth a flick…
Pick Boogers For President!
TOP 10 THINGS FOR OBAMA TO REMEMBER ABOUT HAVING HILLARY ON THE TICKET
10. Don’t leave Bill alone with Michelle.
9. Never accept Hillary challenge to beer-and-a-shot contest in redneck
bar.
8. Take phone off hook to avoid her annoying 3 a.m. calls.
7. Bill could be your best entrée to black community.
6. Let Hillary grill prospective pastors for you.
5. Try matching suits if she agrees that pinstripes are slenderizing.
4. Send her to Iran and Iraq, watch ‘em beg for peace.
3. Kick off the Inaugural Ball with Elton John singing, “The B*tch is Back”
2. If she gets out of line, send her back to Bosnia – this time, call ahead
for snipers.
AND the NO. 1 thing to consider…
Whenever Hilly stands behind you, have Secret Service frisk her for her
“favorite” guns.
Sure, he used to be a Democrat, but on the other hand he is willing to say anything, and next to John McCain, he’s almost charismatic. Plus, in the GOP’s southern base, his religion is less despised than Mitt Romney’s. Let’s check him out:
Current job: U.S. senator from Connecticut
Age: 66.
Astrological sign: Pisces.
A-hole factor (1-10): 11.
Vibe: Annoying.
For more about Joe Lieberman.: http://www.236.com/news/2008/06/19/i_wanna_be_number_two_joe_lieb_1_7243.php
a twist on ferguson’s joke:
“John McCain and Barack Obama have both laid out their energy plans. Obama wants enough ‘green’ energy to power the entire U.S. economy, and McCain just wants enough power to keep his energy friends in the ‘green’.”
The Top Ten Signs of the Obamessiah
Obama preached to the multitude by the side of the lake.
Obama created new states from out of the void.
Obama turned whine into Kool-Aid® for his followers.
Obama came to us carried upon a donkey.
Obama triumphed over the beast, the enemy of all men.
Obama was stoned and yet he has risen.
Obama’s flock has millions of sheep.
Obama will reign over us from a house with many rooms.
You must have no other candidates before Obama.
Obama will raise voters from the dead. Count on it.
I’m a bit tired of the McCain and Obama jokes already. We need the VP candidates to get announced soon so Letterman and O’Brien will have new fodder for entertainment.
In the meantime, I’d rather go back to making fun of George W…
Conan, you insulted the million of Americans who wear dentures! There’s no way McCain’s yellow teeth aren’t his own. Either that, or he’s too cheap to buy some Polident.
What great poetry, song lyrics and humorous lists posted here, people! I’ve enjoyed them all!
You’re a talented bunch!
…I’d rather go back to making fun of George W…
Hey, that’s Dubby’s job. Let him enjoy it while it lasts!
I expect Obama can rise above the cacophony of lame jokes the same way he walks on water