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Daniel Kurtzman

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The Week's Best Late-Night Jokes

Sunday September 7, 2008
Late-Night Political Jokes "McCain took a swipe at Obama. He said, 'I'm not running for president because I think I'm blessed with such personal greatness that history has anointed me to save our country in its hour of need.' No, I'm running because my wife wants another house." -Bill Maher

"Alaska Governor Sarah Palin is out on the campaign trail. Today, she attended a rally in Wisconsin. The Alaska Governor said she was thrilled to visit Wisconsin because she's never been to the Deep South." -Conan O'Brien

"Some people are saying that McCain picked Sarah Palin to appeal to women who supported Hillary Clinton. This is crazy. You can't just replace Hillary Clinton with another woman. Bill tried that, it didn't work out." -- Craig Ferguson

"Vice presidential candidate Sarah Palin has many views. She says she's opposed to same-sex marriage. Did you know that? Yeah, Palin says everyone knows marriage isn't for gay people; it's for pregnant teenagers." --Conan O'Brien

"How are you going to be the vice president of the United States with five kids to take care of? She's got a four-month-old of her own, she's about to become a grandmother, and she's partnered with John McCain. How many diapers can one woman possibly change?" --Jimmy Kimmel

"How many of you folks saw that last night, the Vice President, Republican Sarah Palin? Whoa, man, I like that Sarah Palin – looks like the weekend anchor on Channel 9. She looks like the hygienist who makes you feel guilty about not flossing. She looks like the relieved mom in a Tide commercial." --David Letterman

"Speaking of Sarah Palin, she said she's a life-long member of the National Rifle Association. Which may explain why she's in favor of shotgun weddings." --Conan O'Brien

"Sarah Palin is an avid hunter. An avid hunter. A vice president who likes guns? Well, what could go wrong there?" --David Letterman

"They say Palin's speech was written by George Bush's speechwriter, which was great for that guy because he finally got a chance to use some big words." --Jay Leno

"You know, Sarah Palin likes the outdoors, likes assault rifles, has a collection of rifles, likes to shoot assault rifles. I'll say this for her daughter's boyfriend: the kid's got guts." --David Letterman

"Delegates were captivated by Palin's speech; at one point while she was speaking, the room got so quiet, you could hear Larry Craig's toilet flush." --David Letterman

"I gotta admit, she looked very comfortable at the podium because it's kinda like Alaska: you look out on that convention floor, nothing but white as far as the eye can see." --Jay Leno

"And Governor Sarah Palin gave her speech tonight at the GOP Convention, and it gave people who didn't know anything about her the chance to finally meet her, you know, like John McCain." --Jay Leno

"It's true, John McCain’s running mate, Alaska Governor Sarah Palin, has revealed that her 17-year-old daughter is pregnant. Palin said, 'We should never have introduced her to John Edwards.'" --Conan O'Brien

"And we're learning more and more about Governor Palin. Apparently her daughter's name is Juno." --Jay Leno "It was an unplanned pregnancy, but the Palins say their daughter will marry the young man. He's a fellow high school student of hers. His name is Levi Johnston. They even found his MySpace page, which they pulled down immediately, but before they did we found out that he's a 'f***ing redneck,' is what he said, and another quote from him, 'I don't want kids.' Remember when the Republicans compared Barack Obama to Britney Spears? Now they've got their their own Jamie Lynn." --Jimmy Kimmel

"When they were vetting her for this job, like three seconds ago, she said, quote, I'm not making this up, 'What is it exactly that the VP does every day?' Let me field that for you, Sarah. They start wars, they enrich their friends, they subvert the Constitution, and they shoot people in the face. That's what the vice president does." –Bill Maher

"She's not bad looking. She looks like one of those women in the Van Halen videos who takes off her glasses, shakes out her hair, and then all of a sudden, she's in high heels and a bikini. All of a sudden, I am FOR drilling in Alaska." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Here's the amazing part: back in 1984, Sarah Palin actually came second in the Miss Alaska beauty pageant. Now she could be vice president. You know what that means? For the first time in history, a beauty pageant contestant might actually bring about world peace. They've talked about it for years; here's one that could do it!" --Jay Leno

"This isn't a presidential ticket, this is a sitcom. The maverick and the MILF." –Bill Maher

Read last week's jokes, check out our daily late-night joke roundup, or browse the late-night joke archive.

Jokes by Topic:
Republican Convention Jokes
Barack Obama Jokes
John McCain Jokes
Sarah Palin Jokes

Comments

January 17, 2008 at 3:11 pm
(1) TortillasDeLote says:

Arizona has the funniest candidates for President. It would only be funnier, if it wasn’t for real!

If you think the national leading candidates were hitting rock bottom, Arizona has just set the bar lower, much lower. Unbeknown to cable news pundits spinning themselves silly around polls, Arizona’s Primary is destined to make history. A grouping of dark-horse candidacies has doubled the choices for our nation’s highest elected office. Historic with four women on the ballot. Project White House 08, a microcosm of the national race, offers as much passion and absurdity as any of the front-running campaigns.

Tired of back-biting politics? Mud-sligning and name-calling?

Flip those national campaigns the proverbial finger and join the brave candidates of the Arizona Primary in their bold experiment in politics.

Project White House 08

“Thank you for your support, citizen.”
http://www.projectwhitehouse08.com

January 18, 2008 at 2:40 am
(2) Partner Rumble says:

Shocking Hillary Clinton ad!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xxAVN0kWdC8

January 22, 2008 at 11:39 am
(3) Jonathan says:

I thin Jay Leno’s joke was the best. lol Visit my blog to see more funny Political Cartoons at http://www.political-cartoons.org

January 29, 2008 at 2:10 pm
(4) Stacy says:

I don’t know how many votes you get for American Idol, but Dancing with the Stars you get 7 and Dance Wars you get 5. In Florida’s Primary, you only get 1 vote for President, but if you are a Democrat, it doesn’t even count!

February 9, 2008 at 5:15 am
(5) Don L says:

love all the pictures - say are there any conservative humorists or was Will Rogers the last?

Since ridicule is the best way to destroy a candidates integrity, I don’t suppose it matters.

February 23, 2008 at 1:13 pm
(6) Steve says:

It’s like a political TiVo — I can even read Leno’s jokes w/o that annoying voice.

Anyway, you’ve been included over at “Something Smells Funny” (found2bfunny.blogspot.com). Congrats! Feel free to brag to your friends.

February 29, 2008 at 11:46 am
(7) J 4 JOKES says:

Oh yes!
:)

March 7, 2008 at 2:14 pm
(8) Edward Ayres says:

McCain has enough delegates to claim the nomination. When I saw the “1191″ behind him I thought it was his birth date.

March 9, 2008 at 6:00 pm
(9) Angry Voter says:

i love the humor about the election… checkout this site as well…

www.thecandidateschat.com

March 16, 2008 at 4:24 pm
(10) RHM says:

The only thing worse than these guys are the wives that stand by their men.

http://thecandidacy.com/2008/03/13/elliot-spitzer-is-an-ass/

March 24, 2008 at 8:35 pm
(11) Chris says:

“Vice President Dick Cheney is in Baghdad. While he was in Iraq, he said that it’s a successful endeavor. At least I think that’s what he said. It was hard to hear over the explosions.”

Woah… that is… dull?

March 25, 2008 at 3:49 pm
(12) Harrison Waters says:

Obamanation - A Poem To Make One Shudder
OBAMANATION

Obama goes to church for twenty years
And sits and listens with those huge ears
Yet, expects us to believe he doesn’t hear?
That’s an Obamanation.

And have you noticed how close a name
Can be to a person’s lifetime game?
Like Hitler’s name’s a clue - A. Hit.
And that’s an Obamanation.

I get a bad feeling when I hear
The name that goes with those big deaf ears,
That pray upon our racial fears,
I hear an Obamanation.

Goodbye to hope and peace and change
Obama’s sainthood is most profane
Please do not laugh at my explanation
Obama is an Obamanation.

It seems like God is sending us a clue
To protect our red, white and blue
From false prophets, the likes of who
Bear clues - It’s Obama, Nation!

His preacher-monster, hateful bigot,
Spews death and blood like an open spigot
Don’t join the ranks of foolish exaltation
I believe he’ll lead us to O’, say it, Bomb A Nation.

The devil assumes a pleasing shape
While teaching hatred of whites, that is spiritual rape,
What’s in his name that excites my imagination?
I believe he wants to O’, say it, Bomb Our Nation.

He wants to bomb America, that’s right, with “change”
Whatever that means, it is horrifyingly strange
To preach hatred of whites should bring condemnation
Especially when the name’s an Obamanation.

April 4, 2008 at 2:09 pm
(13) MARY says:

TO HARRISON WATERS,
DO YOU BELONG TO THE NEO-NAZI PARTY? OR MAYBE YOUR JUST A FOX NEWS JUNKIE.

April 4, 2008 at 3:04 pm
(14) Brad says:

Thought you’d like this. It’s a George W. Bush as Caligula, trailer remix! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ENzNMg0nu80

April 9, 2008 at 8:16 pm
(15) William Hale says:

Here are more of the weeks funniest jokes
THE DAILY DUMP

April 24, 2008 at 7:45 am
(16) KEn says:

Great quotes and jokes. Apart from getting all these serious issues going on about politics, jokes tend to bring a little laughter.

Find more politics and election news on this blog that I often go to:

Breaking News, Jokes. Join the conversation

April 30, 2008 at 11:27 am
(17) Jason Fujioka says:

The campaign for president this year, is just to easy to joke about. I think this video is pretty funny.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BYH86eYxR4Y

May 10, 2008 at 7:19 am
(18) Tom C says:

Googdbye Hill-a-ry
Though I never knew you at all
You had the grace to stick about
While those around you groaned
They crawled out from Capitol Hill
And they whispered into your brain
They set you off NAFTA
And they made you change your stance

And it seems to me you lived your life
Like a pigeon in a storm
Never knowing what to do
When a black man came along
And I would have liked to know you
But you always lied
Your integrity burned out long ago
Your defeat never will

Selling out was tough
The toughest lie you ever told
Washington creating a grinch
And Monica was the price you paid
Even when you lied
Oh the press still hounded you
All the papers had to say
Was that there were no snipers in Bosnia

Goodbye Hill-a-ry
From the young man in the 22nd congressional district
Who sees you as something more than deceptive
More than just our cheated first lady

May 14, 2008 at 5:06 pm
(19) tyman says:

So many candidates from which to pick, yet not one that’s worth a flick

Pick Boogers For President!

June 14, 2008 at 4:11 pm
(20) Glenn Brank says:

TOP 10 THINGS FOR OBAMA TO REMEMBER ABOUT HAVING HILLARY ON THE TICKET

10. Don’t leave Bill alone with Michelle.

9. Never accept Hillary challenge to beer-and-a-shot contest in redneck
bar.

8. Take phone off hook to avoid her annoying 3 a.m. calls.

7. Bill could be your best entrée to black community.

6. Let Hillary grill prospective pastors for you.

5. Try matching suits if she agrees that pinstripes are slenderizing.

4. Send her to Iran and Iraq, watch ‘em beg for peace.

3. Kick off the Inaugural Ball with Elton John singing, “The B*tch is Back”

2. If she gets out of line, send her back to Bosnia – this time, call ahead
for snipers.

AND the NO. 1 thing to consider…

Whenever Hilly stands behind you, have Secret Service frisk her for her
“favorite” guns.

June 20, 2008 at 3:50 pm
(21) eliana says:

Sure, he used to be a Democrat, but on the other hand he is willing to say anything, and next to John McCain, he’s almost charismatic. Plus, in the GOP’s southern base, his religion is less despised than Mitt Romney’s. Let’s check him out:

Current job: U.S. senator from Connecticut

Age: 66.

Astrological sign: Pisces.

A-hole factor (1-10): 11.

Vibe: Annoying.

For more about Joe Lieberman.: http://www.236.com/news/2008/06/19/i_wanna_be_number_two_joe_lieb_1_7243.php

June 27, 2008 at 12:13 pm
(22) robert says:

a twist on ferguson’s joke:

“John McCain and Barack Obama have both laid out their energy plans. Obama wants enough ‘green’ energy to power the entire U.S. economy, and McCain just wants enough power to keep his energy friends in the ‘green’.”

June 28, 2008 at 3:49 am
(23) Hillary Kitten says:

The Top Ten Signs of the Obamessiah

Obama preached to the multitude by the side of the lake.

Obama created new states from out of the void.

Obama turned whine into Kool-Aid® for his followers.

Obama came to us carried upon a donkey.

Obama triumphed over the beast, the enemy of all men.

Obama was stoned and yet he has risen.

Obama’s flock has millions of sheep.

Obama will reign over us from a house with many rooms.

You must have no other candidates before Obama.

Obama will raise voters from the dead. Count on it.

July 2, 2008 at 6:44 pm
(24) Late Night Joker says:

I’m a bit tired of the McCain and Obama jokes already. We need the VP candidates to get announced soon so Letterman and O’Brien will have new fodder for entertainment.

In the meantime, I’d rather go back to making fun of George W…

July 19, 2008 at 1:50 am
(25) TennMom says:

Conan, you insulted the million of Americans who wear dentures! There’s no way McCain’s yellow teeth aren’t his own. Either that, or he’s too cheap to buy some Polident.

July 20, 2008 at 1:36 pm
(26) jolou1 says:

What great poetry, song lyrics and humorous lists posted here, people! I’ve enjoyed them all!
You’re a talented bunch! :)

July 25, 2008 at 2:51 pm
(27) jd says:

…I’d rather go back to making fun of George W…
Hey, that’s Dubby’s job. Let him enjoy it while it lasts!

July 26, 2008 at 2:03 am
(28) UncleBlowhard says:

I expect Obama can rise above the cacophony of lame jokes the same way he walks on water :-)

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