The Week's Best Late-Night Jokes
Sunday September 21, 2008
"The government has bailed out two huge financial companies, and today, they strongly hinted that they would bail the rest of them out, at taxpayers' expense. It's all part of a new approach our leaders in the White House and Congress are taking to the economy. It's called socialism." –Jimmy Kimmel"The other financial genius, John McCain…said the fundamentals of our economy are strong, and then yesterday he wanted to fire the head of the SEC -- except you can't as president fire the SEC chairman, it's a non-governmental job. Sarah Palin said today one more gaffe from McCain, and she's going to drop him from the ticket." --Bill Maher
"Barack Obama was in Hollywood at a big fundraiser, a sold-out fundraiser featuring Barbra Streisand singing. $28,500 a ticket. All the big Hollywood stars were there. It featured dinner prepared by the finest Hollywood chefs serving an array of gourmet food. I believe the topic tonight was how John McCain is out of touch with the common people." --Jay Leno
"John McCain said again today that the fundamentals of our economy are still sound. The fundamentals of our economy are still sound. To which O.J. Simpson said, 'Hey, is it too late to get him on the jury?'" --Jay Leno
"Everybody is trying to find out more about Sarah Palin. Someone was able to hack into Sarah Palin's Yahoo! email account because she hadn't taken the proper security measures. Yeah. So, folks, it's official. No one in the Palin family uses protection." --Conan O'Brien
"The federal government announced a plan to spend like a trillion of taxpayer dollars to buy up bad mortgages and debt. Wall Street was surprisingly enthusiastic about the plan to save their asses with other people's money. It was either that or Sarah Palin's idea to sell it all on eBay." --Bill Maher
"Can you imagine if she was president right now? They hacked into her email account. She couldn't even keep that safe. Somebody hacked into her Yahoo! email account. They don't know who did it. They know it's someone who understood technology and was interested in her background. So we can rule out McCain." –Bill Maher
"Out on the campaign trail, Hillary Clinton hasn't been mentioning Sarah Palin at all. She’s just talking about John McCain. Not surprising. Hillary's always been good at ignoring the 'other woman.'" --Craig Ferguson
"John McCain's campaign said that Sarah Palin will not talk to the media, this is a quote, until reporters can address her with respect and deference. Oh, what is she running for, vice president or queen?" --Jay Leno
"In Alaska, a political activist is trying to get Sarah Palin to release over 1,000 e-mails that she's withholding from public records. She won't release them. Yeah. Apparently, several of the e-mails went unanswered and have the subject line 'Mom, I need to talk to you about birth control.'" --Conan O'Brien
"Sarah Palin's been spending the last couple of days being briefed by advisers on what she needs to know to be John McCain's vice president. That's true. Yeah. Apparently, the first thing they taught her was CPR." --Conan O'Brien
"Did you see the Sarah Palin interview on ABC? This state trooper from Alaska says that Palin lied in the interview. She lied on national television. I’d say someone's ready for the White House!" --Craig Ferguson
"A weird thing came out of the John McCain campaign. An adviser to John McCain ... claimed today, just a couple of hours ago, that McCain helped create the BlackBerry. That's what he said, yeah. Or, as McCain calls it, 'the fancy garage door opener.'" --Conan O'Brien
"Karl Rove said John McCain's attack ads have gone too far. When Karl Rove says you've gone too far, that's like Mel Gibson saying you’ve had too much to drink." --Craig Ferguson
"They also revealed that Sarah's husband, Todd, who works in the oil field. Well, his Secret Service codename is 'Driller.' I guess they figured Bill Clinton wasn't using it anymore." --Jay Leno
"Last night, ABC News aired the first televised interview with Sarah Palin. And I don't know if you saw this, but Palin stumbled a bit because she had never heard of the Bush doctrine. Yeah. When he heard this, President Bush said, 'That's okay. I haven't either.'" --Conan O'Brien
“This week, the presidential race continued to tighten up. In fact, according to the latest polls, John McCain is now only six points behind Sarah Palin.” -Amy Poehler
"John McCain, by gosh, did you know this? He was on 'The View' earlier today. Yup. And I thought to myself, well good Lord, hasn't this man endured enough torture?" --David Letterman
"August was a big fundraising month for the candidates: Barack Obama set a record for fundraising in August with $66 million. John McCain raised $47 million. Ralph Nader got a $10 gift card from Jamba Juice." –Jay Leno
"These financial shenanigans that have been going on…like today I was reading that they're now putting an end to something called short selling, which is when you borrow stock that you don't own, and sell it, hoping that it will go down so that you can buy it back at a profit. This was legal, but pot smoking isn't?" –Bill Maher
"A company has announced that they have come out with a solar-powered vibrator. Doesn't it sound like something dreamed up by Al Gore while he was working with Bill Clinton." –Jay Leno
"Why do I love Sarah Palin? She's a reformer. Like when the government wanted to give her this $223 million bridge to nowhere [on screen: Palin saying 'thanks, but no thanks' to the bridge]. She's so polite. Now I know that her detractors will say that she actually supported the bridge until it became a political albatross, and ended up keeping a lot of the money for it anyway, or that she claimed to have visited Iraq when she didn't. Or she didn't really sell that plane on eBay, or that she left the town she was mayor of nearly $20 million in debt, or that she made sure that women that were raped in her town were charged for their rape kits. Yeah! That's f**king true. The point is this: shut up. Because you don't speed-date in order to get to know somebody. You speed-date to make sure you're not talking to a dude." --Jon Stewart (Watch video clip)
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Comments
Arizona has the funniest candidates for President. It would only be funnier, if it wasn’t for real!
If you think the national leading candidates were hitting rock bottom, Arizona has just set the bar lower, much lower. Unbeknown to cable news pundits spinning themselves silly around polls, Arizona’s Primary is destined to make history. A grouping of dark-horse candidacies has doubled the choices for our nation’s highest elected office. Historic with four women on the ballot. Project White House 08, a microcosm of the national race, offers as much passion and absurdity as any of the front-running campaigns.
Tired of back-biting politics? Mud-sligning and name-calling?
Flip those national campaigns the proverbial finger and join the brave candidates of the Arizona Primary in their bold experiment in politics.
Project White House 08
“Thank you for your support, citizen.”
http://www.projectwhitehouse08.com
Shocking Hillary Clinton ad!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xxAVN0kWdC8
I thin Jay Leno’s joke was the best. lol Visit my blog to see more funny Political Cartoons at http://www.political-cartoons.org
I don’t know how many votes you get for American Idol, but Dancing with the Stars you get 7 and Dance Wars you get 5. In Florida’s Primary, you only get 1 vote for President, but if you are a Democrat, it doesn’t even count!
love all the pictures - say are there any conservative humorists or was Will Rogers the last?
Since ridicule is the best way to destroy a candidates integrity, I don’t suppose it matters.
It’s like a political TiVo — I can even read Leno’s jokes w/o that annoying voice.
Anyway, you’ve been included over at “Something Smells Funny” (found2bfunny.blogspot.com). Congrats! Feel free to brag to your friends.
Oh yes!
:)
McCain has enough delegates to claim the nomination. When I saw the “1191″ behind him I thought it was his birth date.
i love the humor about the election… checkout this site as well…
www.thecandidateschat.com
The only thing worse than these guys are the wives that stand by their men.
http://thecandidacy.com/2008/03/13/elliot-spitzer-is-an-ass/
“Vice President Dick Cheney is in Baghdad. While he was in Iraq, he said that it’s a successful endeavor. At least I think that’s what he said. It was hard to hear over the explosions.”
Woah… that is… dull?
Obamanation - A Poem To Make One Shudder
OBAMANATION
Obama goes to church for twenty years
And sits and listens with those huge ears
Yet, expects us to believe he doesn’t hear?
That’s an Obamanation.
And have you noticed how close a name
Can be to a person’s lifetime game?
Like Hitler’s name’s a clue - A. Hit.
And that’s an Obamanation.
I get a bad feeling when I hear
The name that goes with those big deaf ears,
That pray upon our racial fears,
I hear an Obamanation.
Goodbye to hope and peace and change
Obama’s sainthood is most profane
Please do not laugh at my explanation
Obama is an Obamanation.
It seems like God is sending us a clue
To protect our red, white and blue
From false prophets, the likes of who
Bear clues - It’s Obama, Nation!
His preacher-monster, hateful bigot,
Spews death and blood like an open spigot
Don’t join the ranks of foolish exaltation
I believe he’ll lead us to O’, say it, Bomb A Nation.
The devil assumes a pleasing shape
While teaching hatred of whites, that is spiritual rape,
What’s in his name that excites my imagination?
I believe he wants to O’, say it, Bomb Our Nation.
He wants to bomb America, that’s right, with “change”
Whatever that means, it is horrifyingly strange
To preach hatred of whites should bring condemnation
Especially when the name’s an Obamanation.
TO HARRISON WATERS,
DO YOU BELONG TO THE NEO-NAZI PARTY? OR MAYBE YOUR JUST A FOX NEWS JUNKIE.
Thought you’d like this. It’s a George W. Bush as Caligula, trailer remix! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ENzNMg0nu80
Here are more of the weeks funniest jokes
THE DAILY DUMP
Great quotes and jokes. Apart from getting all these serious issues going on about politics, jokes tend to bring a little laughter.
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The campaign for president this year, is just to easy to joke about. I think this video is pretty funny.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BYH86eYxR4Y
Googdbye Hill-a-ry
Though I never knew you at all
You had the grace to stick about
While those around you groaned
They crawled out from Capitol Hill
And they whispered into your brain
They set you off NAFTA
And they made you change your stance
And it seems to me you lived your life
Like a pigeon in a storm
Never knowing what to do
When a black man came along
And I would have liked to know you
But you always lied
Your integrity burned out long ago
Your defeat never will
Selling out was tough
The toughest lie you ever told
Washington creating a grinch
And Monica was the price you paid
Even when you lied
Oh the press still hounded you
All the papers had to say
Was that there were no snipers in Bosnia
Goodbye Hill-a-ry
From the young man in the 22nd congressional district
Who sees you as something more than deceptive
More than just our cheated first lady
So many candidates from which to pick, yet not one that’s worth a flick…
Pick Boogers For President!
TOP 10 THINGS FOR OBAMA TO REMEMBER ABOUT HAVING HILLARY ON THE TICKET
10. Don’t leave Bill alone with Michelle.
9. Never accept Hillary challenge to beer-and-a-shot contest in redneck
bar.
8. Take phone off hook to avoid her annoying 3 a.m. calls.
7. Bill could be your best entrée to black community.
6. Let Hillary grill prospective pastors for you.
5. Try matching suits if she agrees that pinstripes are slenderizing.
4. Send her to Iran and Iraq, watch ‘em beg for peace.
3. Kick off the Inaugural Ball with Elton John singing, “The B*tch is Back”
2. If she gets out of line, send her back to Bosnia – this time, call ahead
for snipers.
AND the NO. 1 thing to consider…
Whenever Hilly stands behind you, have Secret Service frisk her for her
“favorite” guns.
Sure, he used to be a Democrat, but on the other hand he is willing to say anything, and next to John McCain, he’s almost charismatic. Plus, in the GOP’s southern base, his religion is less despised than Mitt Romney’s. Let’s check him out:
Current job: U.S. senator from Connecticut
Age: 66.
Astrological sign: Pisces.
A-hole factor (1-10): 11.
Vibe: Annoying.
For more about Joe Lieberman.: http://www.236.com/news/2008/06/19/i_wanna_be_number_two_joe_lieb_1_7243.php
a twist on ferguson’s joke:
“John McCain and Barack Obama have both laid out their energy plans. Obama wants enough ‘green’ energy to power the entire U.S. economy, and McCain just wants enough power to keep his energy friends in the ‘green’.”
The Top Ten Signs of the Obamessiah
Obama preached to the multitude by the side of the lake.
Obama created new states from out of the void.
Obama turned whine into Kool-Aid® for his followers.
Obama came to us carried upon a donkey.
Obama triumphed over the beast, the enemy of all men.
Obama was stoned and yet he has risen.
Obama’s flock has millions of sheep.
Obama will reign over us from a house with many rooms.
You must have no other candidates before Obama.
Obama will raise voters from the dead. Count on it.
I’m a bit tired of the McCain and Obama jokes already. We need the VP candidates to get announced soon so Letterman and O’Brien will have new fodder for entertainment.
In the meantime, I’d rather go back to making fun of George W…
Conan, you insulted the million of Americans who wear dentures! There’s no way McCain’s yellow teeth aren’t his own. Either that, or he’s too cheap to buy some Polident.
What great poetry, song lyrics and humorous lists posted here, people! I’ve enjoyed them all!
You’re a talented bunch!
…I’d rather go back to making fun of George W…
Hey, that’s Dubby’s job. Let him enjoy it while it lasts!
I expect Obama can rise above the cacophony of lame jokes the same way he walks on water