The Week's Best Late-Night Jokes

"It looks like Hillary Clinton might be Barack Obama's secretary of state. The secretary of state travels all over the world meeting with foreign leaders sometimes spending months away from his or her spouse. But that's just the sacrifice Bill is willing to make." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Bill Clinton, what a stand-up guy, he went to Barack Obama and he said he'll do anything to help Hillary become secretary of state. He said, look, I'll remove my profile from eHarmony.com, he's going to have a motion detector installed on his fly, and he's going to place all of his interns in a blind trust." --David Letterman

"President-elect Barack Obama is still looking for a new White House dog. The search is on. In fact, do you realize he has spent more time selecting a dog than John McCain did selecting a running mate?" --Jay Leno

"President-elect Obama met with former political rival John McCain. Both men said it was a relief to put their differences aside, sit down, and really make fun of Sarah Palin." --Conan O'Brien

"According to the New York Post, Sarah Palin may appear in the season finale of Desperate Housewives. Palin said that she's seen the show several times, which more than qualifies her as an actress." --Jay Leno

"Barack Obama's mother-in-law might be moving into the White House with him. Joe Biden was right. Hostile forces will test him in the first few months." --Jay Leno

"Senator McCain and President-elect Barack Obama met, got together and had a nice visit. And Barack Obama thanked McCain for choosing that nutty Alaskan chick. And then Barack Obama said to McCain, 'Hey, I'm catching up with you. I just got a second home.'" --David Letterman

"Obama agreed to sit down and talk to McCain without any preconditions. When Sarah Palin heard about McCain meeting with Obama, she accused McCain of palling around with terrorists." --Jay Leno

"Oprah Winfrey just announced that she's planning to attend Barack Obama's inauguration. Oprah says she's very excited to see Obama become the second-most powerful person in the world." --Conan O'Brien

"It's Vice President-elect Joe Biden's birthday today. And Barack Obama bought him 12 cupcakes for his birthday, which is a smart gift to give Biden because when his mouth is full of cupcakes he can't say anything stupid." --Craig Ferguson

"Well, there was a big meeting today between Vice President-elect Joe Biden and Vice President Dick Cheney, or, as they're calling it, plugged hair meets plugged arteries. That does seem cruel. See, I prefer to call them foot-in-mouth meets shot in face." -Jay Leno

"Dick Cheney gave Joe Biden tour of the vice president's living quarters. Yeah, afterwards, Biden said he loves the house, but he'll probably turn the dungeon back into a rec room." --Conan O'Brien

"It's now being reported that Hillary Clinton will accept the position of secretary of state. Actually, this works out great for the Clintons. While Hillary is concentrating on foreign affairs, Bill can get back to concentrating on domestic affairs." --Jay Leno

"Well, according to MSNBC, Sarah Palin could get $7 million when she signs her book deal, $7 million. You know who's really excited about this? Neiman Marcus." --Jay Leno

"Rumor is that General Motors will run out of money very soon, unless the government helps them out with a bailout. Isn't that amazing? I mean, all those times a car salesman told you he was losing money on the deal, he wasn't lying." -- Jay Leno

"President-elect Obama is meeting every day with his transition team, or in Beltway lingo, his trannies. They are helping him pick who will be in his new government. Over 7,000 presidential appointments are up for grabs. The Obama administration is making history once again by being the only place in America that is currently hiring." --Stephen Colbert

The Week's Best Late-Night TV Videos
Late-Night Joke Highlight Reel
Letterman Talks to Katie Couric About Palin Interview
Letterman Phones Katie Couric to Talk About McCain Diss
A Colbert Christmas: Another Christmas Song
Daily Show: Lieberman and Stevens
Daily Show: Back in Black: Obama Merchandise

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