The Week's Best Late-Night Jokes

"Gov. Blagojevich is being criticized because he recently compared his experience to that of Nelson Mandela. That may be a stretch, but at least he got the prison part right." --Conan O'Brien

"President Obama still has not gotten used to the White House, apparently. This is true. Today, on his way into the Oval Office, he tried to mistakenly open a window that he thought was a door. That's true. Yeah. White House employees said at first it made them laugh, then a wave of nostalgia washed over them." --Conan O'Brien

"So far so good for the Obamas. The family is settled in. There's the President and his wife and the kids and the mother-in-law. And they're settling nicely. The only problem, the only complaint -- and they don't want to make trouble -- but the only complaint is they can still hear creepy organ music coming from Dick Cheney's dungeon." --David Letterman

"Aretha Franklin, who sang at the inaugural, says she's not happy with her performance. She says the cold made it hard for her to sing. Yeah. Yeah, Aretha says she also got distracted when a weather satellite crashed into her hat." --Conan O'Brien

"The House of Representatives has passed President Obama's stimulus package. … You know it's interesting, when Bill Clinton needed stimulus for his package, he just called an intern." --David Letterman

"President Barack Obama has also signed an executive order officially banning torture in the United States. There goes Dick Cheney's retirement, huh? What is he supposed to do now?" --Jay Leno

"After eight years in office, former President George W. Bush is now in retirement. But how can you tell? Honestly. How can you tell?" --David Letterman

"Bush is not worrying about the country. No, it's like he's still president." --David Letterman

"This is kind of an awkward time for President Bush. He's too young to retire, yet still too old to destroy the moral and economic infrastructure of another country." --Jay Leno

"But Dick Cheney, you've got to give him credit. He's enjoying his first week as a private citizen. In fact, today, he was out hunting human prey." --David Letterman

"They're closing Guantanamo. That's how bad things are, ladies and gentlemen. That's how bad the economy is. You know it's tough, you know the economy is bad, when even the terrorists are being laid off." --David Letterman

"President Barack Obama signed an executive order calling for the closure of Guantanamo Bay within a year. Actually, you know how he can close it faster? Make it a bank, okay? It'll shut down." --Jay Leno

"Cold outside. Lousy cold. Here is how cold it was. It was so cold today that Supreme Court Chief Justice John Roberts screwed up while ordering chowder. It was so cold, that thing on Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich's head went into hibernation." --David Letterman

"Blagojevich looks like the guy that tells you you need new brake pads, you know? ... He looks like an insurance salesman that keeps calling you 'Captain.' 'Hey, Captain.' ... He looks like a guy who backs you up with his aftershave. Whoah! ... He looks like a guy who disappears with your deposit after he takes your contracting contract ... He looks like the guy who tries to set you up with his wife." --David Letterman

"And Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich's impeachment trial got under way today. But he was not there. He didn't go. He went on 'The View' instead, which is a pretty smart move, because it will help his case when he pleads insanity." --Jay Leno

"It's a great day for Illinois Gov. Rod Blagojevich, who is continuing on that media tour he's doing. Yesterday, he was on 'The View,' the 'Today' show, and 'Good Morning America.' Today, his hair was on 'Animal Planet' and 'Unsolved Mysteries.'" --Craig Ferguson

"Illinois Gov. Rod Blagojevich is everywhere on television. Yesterday, he was interviewed by Geraldo Rivera. They billed it as 'an interview with the most hated man in America and Rod Blagojevich.'" --Conan O'Brien

"But congratulations to Hillary Clinton, our new secretary of state, who was sworn in holding the Clinton family Bible. And it's a special edition, because Bill had removed four Commandments." --David Letterman

"Hillary Clinton's replacement in the Senate, Kirsten Gillibrand, showed up to their joint press conference sporting a Hillary hairstyle and a nearly identical pantsuit, which explains why Bill Clinton was heard screaming, 'Good Lord, there's two of them!'" --Conan O'Brien

"Caroline Kennedy withdrew her bid to fill New York's vacant Senate seat. You heard about this? According to some reports, she dropped out because of marital problems. How bad is your marriage when it keeps you from replacing Hillary?" --Jay Leno

"You all heard about that, how Justice John Roberts screwed up the oath of office. Then, the other night, Roberts went to the White House, and they did it over again, which is completely unprecedented. That's never happened. Not messing up the oath, having someone in government actually go back and fix something." --Jay Leno

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