The Week's Best Late-Night Jokes

"Tom Daschle withdrew his nomination for secretary of health and human services after being forced to pay $128,000 in back taxes. Daschle was extremely upset because now it looks like he paid his taxes for nothin'!" --Jay Leno

"President Obama has asked the Senate to cut $50 billion from the economic stimulus plan. Yeah, Obama says the government will no longer need the $50 billion once everyone in his Cabinet pays their back taxes." --Conan O'Brien

"I was stunned by the Daschle story because we don't expect Democrats to cheat on their taxes. No, we expect Democrats to cheat on their wives. That's how this is supposed to go!" --David Letterman

"The half brother of Barack Obama, a man named George Obama, has been arrested in Kenya for allegedly having drugs. See, here we go again with the dumb presidential brothers. Remember Billy Carter? Then there was Roger Clinton, Bill Clinton's brother. See, we never had that problem with President Bush. He was already the dumb brother. " --Jay Leno

"Sarah Palin is back in the news. She’s been criticizing anonymous bloggers. She calls them pathetic. Apparently, she feels that unknown people should not be criticizing politicians. Unless the unknown person is running for vice president." --Craig Ferguson

"Rod Blagojevich was in the middle of his second term as governor of the state of Illinois. They impeached him and tossed him out as governor, and he is banned from participating in Illinois politics for the rest of his life. Fortunately you can participate in Illinois politics long after you're dead." –David Letterman

"I like Blagojevich. He looks like your neighbor who never returns the tools. Blagojevich looks like a guy at K-Mart who says, 'The best we can do is store credit.'" --David Letterman

"Our studio audience might not know this, but a couple hours ago, Gov. Blagojevich was convicted and removed from office by a vote of 59-0. So close! So that's one corrupt politician down, 126,388 to go." --Jay Leno

"Oh, boy, the Illinois senators were mad -- 59-0. Not only was he Blagojevich convicted, his hairdresser was given the death penalty." --Jay Leno

"As you know, Tom Daschle withdrew his name to be in Obama's cabinet, due to IRS problems. Yeah, he said, 'I will not be a distraction.' See, distraction is Washington talk for, 'Uh-oh, there's a lot more crap you don't know about yet.'" --Jay Leno

"Tom Daschle withdrew his nomination to be the Health and Human Services Secretary after it was revealed he didn't pay back taxes. Yeah. So, President Obama says now it's down to his second and third choices, Willie Nelson and Wesley Snipes." --Conan O'Brien

"How about that Dick Cheney? He's out of office, but he's still chomping at the bit. You know what I'm talking about? Daschle embarrasses Obama so today Obama gets a call from Cheney, 'Hey, let me waterboard him.'" --David Letterman

"Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi recently said that every month that we do not have an economic recovery package, '500 million Americans lose their jobs.' I think the Botox is starting to seep into her brain." --Jay Leno

"Sen. John McCain is denying a rumor that his wife Cindy will be a contestant on the upcoming season of 'Dancing with the Stars.' When asked why, McCain said: 'Dance? Are you kidding? I've never even seen her blink.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Yesterday, the Republican National Committee selected Michael Steele, an African American, as their new party chairman. You guys know it doesn't work with just any black guy, right?" --Seth Meyers

"This is kind of frightening. Al Gore told Congress last week the global warming scenario is worse than previously predicted. Worse than predicted? Wasn't the first prediction we're all going to fry to death? Huh? What's worse than that? Is it going to be humid, too? Is that it?" --Jay Leno

"According to the New York Times, President Obama having a more relaxed White House dress code than the Bush administration. Though not nearly as relaxed as the Clinton administration." --Jay Leno

Read last week's jokes, check out our daily late-night joke roundup, or browse the late-night joke archive.

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