"President Obama gave his first State of the Union address to a joint session of Congress tonight. Obama focused on the three most critical things he wants Americans to understand: first, that the economy is in a lot of trouble; second, that the road to recovery won't be easy; and third, that it's all President Bush's fault." --Jimmy Kimmel
"The Oscars are kind of a special time in Hollywood. It's a time when celebrities take a break from worshipping Barack Obama and take some time to worship themselves." –Jay Leno
"The whole cast of 'Slumdog Millionaire' came out to see the Oscars. 'Slumdog' won best picture, which everyone seemed to know was going to happen. It was the big favorite going in. They're saying the only way it could have possibly lost is if it had picked Sarah Palin as a running mate." --Jimmy Kimmel
"Well, Obama's had quite an opening. Been a month in office -- he signed the stimulus bill, he closed Guantanamo Bay, ordered the planning of our withdrawing from Iraq -- it's like he's spraying the country with a giant can of 'Bush Be-Gone.'" --Bill Maher
"But what a task this guy has. He's got, on the one hand, to tell the people the truth. And on the other hand, try to lift our morale. Bill Clinton said today, you know, come on, lift morale, get out there and sell the hope thing. And both sides of the aisle are saying this. We have finally found something Democrats and Republicans agree that the president needs to do: lie." --Bill Maher
"George W. Bush is doing pretty well for a retiree. Our former president will hit the lecture circuit next month for a reported $150,000 per speech. It’s $150,000 for the speech and an extra 25 grand if you want to throw shoes at him. $150,000 seems like a lot to pay to hear someone who can't speak give a speech." --Jimmy Kimmel
"Some of our nation's largest banks have been described this week as 'dead men walking.' The New York Times says they are insolvent, and here's the thing. Nobody will say the names of the banks, because you say the names, their stock will tank even worse. But here's a hint: one of them rhymes with 's**tty bank,' and the other rhymes with 'skank of America.'" --Bill Maher
"I say Bobby Jindal's speech was a homerun. Jimmy, let's look at the rest of the highlights. Oh, there are none? Okay. All right, well, then, folks, I guess I am forced to talk about the Democratic pre-sponse. No, I didn't hear any of it. I mute all of Obama's speeches, because I like to hear myself yell." --Stephen Colbert (Watch video clip)
On Obama talking during his address to Congress about finding a cure for cancer in our time: "What are you, a f***ing wizard? Slow down!" By 2010, we'll have Cinnabons that make you skinnier. By 2012, we'll have a boner pill that gives you a four-hour erection that you don't have to notify your doctor about." --Jon Stewart (Watch video clip)
"Jindal's task was not an easy one. You see, with Barack Obama making a compelling case for an active federal government, Jindal had to tell America why he thought that was a lousy idea [on screen: Jindal bringing up Hurricane Katrina as a reason not to trust more government involvement]. So, because the Republican administration screwed the pooch, a Democratic administration shouldn't even try? What other lessons did Katrina teach you? [on screen: Jindal going after money allocated for use in volcano monitoring]. So, your other lesson from Katrina is, what good could possibly come from monitoring for potential natural disasters? Who cares about lava? It's like a levee overtopping -- it'll never happen!" --Jon Stewart (Watch video clip)
Note: the rest of the late-night shows were in reruns this week.
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