"How many watched President Obama's news conference last night? He got a little testy there, you know. When he was asked why he waited three days to speak out against the AIG bonuses, Obama said he likes to know what he's talking about before he speaks. So, yet another reversal of the Bush policies." --Jay Leno
"The Republicans released their budget counter-proposal this week. It plans to address the deficit, global warming, health care, energy by -- wait for it -- massive tax cuts for the rich. I'm not kidding. Also, there are no numbers in this budget. It's a budget plan without any math. You know, Obama should have saved that Special Olympics joke for these retards." --Bill Maher
"George W. Bush, who was our president before Barack Obama, recently signed a deal to write a book for $7 million. In the book, Bush will discuss his 12 toughest decisions, like 'should I heed Al Roker's warnings about Katrina?' That would be one tough decision. 'Should I let Cheney carry a loaded shotgun?' That would be another." --David Letterman
"This week eight tourists became the first Westerners to vacation in Iraq on an officially sanctioned tour. They're spending their spring break in Iraq. Which is kind of like spring break in Florida. Half get bombed, the other half get stoned." --Jay Leno
"You can tell it's tourism season in Iraq because today an American had to duck a pair of flip-flops. … But I was thinking about this. If you want to take a trip, a vacation, to some place where they've got sniper fire, dangerous streets, a lot of goat-based food, and random violence, just come to New York City." --David Letterman
"On '60 Minutes' the other night, if you saw the interview, reporter Steve Croft asked President Obama how he could laugh with all the financial trouble going on. And the President said it's necessary to have a measure of 'gallows humor to get you through the day.' You know why Obama likes gallows humor? It works much better for him than bowling humor." --Jay Leno
"Obama also repeated his support for Treasury Secretary Geithner, who unveiled his plan yesterday for the government to buy up the so-called toxic assets from troubled banks and sell them to China, which will then make them into children's toys, and should solve the problem entirely." --Jimmy Kimmel
"Obama was on TV saying Americans are angry. We are angry, but we don't want a press conference. We want to see Obama pelting AIG executives with a sock full of quarters shouting, "Here's change we can believe in!" --Craig Ferguson
"The market rallied yesterday after the Treasury said it was going to help banks sell off their toxic assets. That's the big problem, banks can't sell toxic assets. Well, duh. I mean, I'm no economist, but maybe you should stop calling them toxic assets. Huh? Isn't that like KFC advertising salmonella chicken?" --Jay Leno
"Michelle Obama -- and I think this is a lovely idea -- she's going to put a garden in the White House, out there where the Rose Garden is. A very nice idea. And she's out there digging it up. She found three of Dick Cheney's hunting buddies." --David Letterman
"This morning, the first lady, Michelle Obama, celebrated spring by breaking ground on a new vegetable garden at the White House. She said she did it to help educate children about healthy, locally-grown food, and to help her own family survive the coming economic apocalypse." --Jimmy Kimmel
"Not only is it the first time they have had a vegetable garden since the days of Eleanor Roosevelt at the White House, it's also the first time that a hoe has been used at the White House since the Clinton administration." --Jimmy Kimmel
"Senator Chris Dodd, after first denying it, now admits that he's the one who eliminated the provision in the stimulus package that outlawed excessive bonuses. He also just happened to have received $280,000 from AIG in campaign contributions. What a coincidence - what are the odds of that?" --Jay Leno
"AIG says they're trying to raise more money by selling their big office building in New York. It's 66 stories! And not one of them is the truth." --Jay Leno
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“Not only is it the first time they have had a vegetable garden since the days of Eleanor Roosevelt at the White House, it’s also the first time that a hoe has been used at the White House since the Clinton administration.” –Jimmy Kimmel
Kimmel has obviously forgotten about James Guckert, aka Jeff Gannon.