The Week's Best Late-Night Jokes

"Congratulations to Miss North Carolina, Kristen Dalton, who won the Miss USA pageant last night. So, I guess Republicans now have a VP candidate for 2012." --Jimmy Fallon

"Dick Cheney and Karl Rove, once two of the most powerful men in this country, are now suffering from Balzheimer's disease. Why didn't I see it before? Balzheimer's is a terrible illness that attacks the memory and gives its victims the balls to attack others for things they themselves made a career of. There is no known cure." --Jon Stewart (Watch video clip)

"President Barack Obama told his Cabinet yesterday to insure that every taxpayer dollar is spent wisely. But there was one embarrassing moment when he had to explain to the Cabinet what a taxpayer was." --Jay Leno

"Bill Clinton and George W. Bush will appear together on stage in Toronto for a two-hour, friendly debate. Each side gets to pick a topic, so the first hour will be centered on the international banking crisis. The second hour will be dedicated to Nascar trivia." --Jimmy Fallon

"Classified documents that were recently released show that Dick Cheney, who a couple of years ago went nuts and shot a guy, ordered Khalid Shaikh Mohammed waterboarded 183 times. When do you suppose Mohammed caught on and said, 'I know this is just horse play'? But anyway, they waterboarded Mohammed 183 times, and thanks to the information they got from this guy, via waterboarding, we were able to capture bin Laden." --David Letterman

"Rod Blagojevich, the indicted former governor of Illinois, lost his bid to travel to Costa Rica to appear on the NBC reality show, 'I'm A Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here!' You know what reality show he could be on? 'Cops.'" --Jay Leno

"Texas Governor Rick Perry said the state of Texas could secede from the Union if it wanted to. Is that what we need, another foreign country on our southern border speaking a language we don't understand? Come on! Former President Bush wasted no time responding to this. He said, 'Wow, does that mean I get to be president again?'" --Jay Leno

"Secretary of State Hillary Clinton says the United States is now ready to talk to Cuba. You know what that means? Apparently, we are already interviewing replacements for Texas." --Jay Leno

"So many newspapers all across the country are going out of business. It's pretty scary, so congratulations to The New York Times this week, which this week won five Pulitzer Prizes. I read about it online on Google News." --Jay Leno

"During an interview with The New York Post, Rudy Giuliani said that he is against gay marriage. He feels marriage should be between a man, a woman, the other woman, and the other woman he met after that." --Jay Leno

"Hey, I thought this was nice. To celebrate Earth Day, a group of schoolchildren in Washington each planted a hair plug in Joe Biden's head." --Jay Leno

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Late-Night TV Videos
Daily Show: Balzheimers Disease
Daily Show: We Don't Torture
Colbert Report: Texas Secession

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