The Week's Best Late-Night Jokes

"Today marks 100 days of President Obama being in office, which is a big deal because 100 days is when his warranty runs out. We couldn't return him now if we wanted to." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Today was President Obama's 100th day in office. Isn't that amazing? Actually, when you think about it, George W. Bush was president for eight years, and he never came close to spending 100 days in the office. So, we're way ahead." --Jay Leno

"Seventy-nine-year-old Arlen Specter is now switching to the Democratic Party, which is a big loss for Republicans. You know, when they lose that young blood, it hurts." --Jay Leno "In a move that has stunned Washington, D.C., longtime Pennsylvania Republican Senator Arlen Specter has switched parties. He is the first Republican senator to switch teams since Senator Larry Craig, I guess." --Jay Leno

"Oh, man, Biden did it again. God may have taken away Bush, but by golly, he gave us Joe Biden. You see this today? Joe Biden was on the 'Today' show, and he said he would tell his family members not to take any commercial flights and don't ride in any subway cars because of this swine flu. You know, I don't think Joe Biden's going to catch swine flu, but it's pretty obvious he has a case of foot-in-mouth disease." --Jay Leno


"Vice President Joe Biden said on the 'Today' show that the subways in New York City are not safe because of swine flu. Hey Joe, listen to this - the subways weren't safe before swine flu." --David Letterman

"Well, the U.S. government is saying look out for the swine flu, which apparently comes from Mexico. Thank God we have an airtight border with that country. So, the U.S. is going to be fine." --David Letterman

"Oh, on Friday, President Obama was taken to a secure location in the White House after a single engine plane strayed over White House air space. As a precaution, they took the President to a place in the White House nobody even knew existed -- Joe Biden's office." --Jay Leno

"How about that swine flu? The government is saying forget about nonessential air travel, an example of which would be flying Air Force One really low over New York City." --David Letterman

"Give you an idea how bad it is with the swine flu, earlier today, the U.S. took down the wall between the United States and Mexico and replaced it with a giant sneeze guard." --Jay Leno

"President Obama, if you take a look at it, has accomplished quite a lot in his first 100 days. By way of comparison, take a look at George W. Bush's first 100 days in office. This is in his memoir. So, according to that, Bush spent 100 days in the Oval Office looking for the corner." --David Letterman

"We're getting close to President Obama's first 100 days in office, and he has had to deal with a lot of trouble, including a global financial crisis, pirates, and swine flu. Plus, Obama's got a live-in mother-in-law. I'm telling you, this guy cannot catch a break." --David Letterman

"Someone at the White House made a big mistake yesterday. They flew Air Force One right over the city of New York, which scared the hell out of a lot of people. Thousands of people panicked. Some of them even evacuated their office buildings, and it was all because they wanted to get a picture of the President's plane next to the Statue of the Liberty. We have the first president ever who can use Facebook, but his staff does not know how to use Photoshop." --Jimmy Kimmel

"The President held a press conference tonight in prime time. All the major networks carried it, except Fox. They ran the show 'Lie to Me' instead of the president. Fox is something -- they killed President David Palmer off '24,' they put his brother, President Wayne Palmer, into a permanent coma, and now this. What does Fox have against black Presidents?" --Jimmy Kimmel

"This really is big, because Specter's move puts the Democrats within a hair's breath of a unfilibusterable 60-seat Senate majority. So now it appears the Senate's balance of power, in many respects, the future of our nation is in the hands of Al Franken. What a country!" --Jon Stewart (Watch video clip)

Follow Political Humor on Twitter and become a fan on Facebook!

Read last week's jokes, check out our daily late-night joke roundup, or browse the late-night joke archive.

More Jokes by Topic:
Barack Obama Jokes
Bailout Jokes
George Bush Jokes
Joe Biden Jokes
Sarah Palin Jokes