"Dick Cheney, the former vice president, said that President Obama went too far with the jokes at the correspondents' dinner. By too far, does Cheney mean like waterboarding a guy 183 times?" --David Letterman
"Sarah Palin has got a deal to write her memoir. Got a deal to write her memoir, yup. I believe it's titled, 'The Book to Nowhere.'" --David Letterman
"Donald Trump came to the defense of Miss California, Carrie Prejean, despite her opposition to same-sex marriage. Trump then said he personally believes that marriage is a sacred institution between a man and a series of progressively younger women." --Jimmy Kimmel
"Barack Obama said that his Administration will not release the photographs of detainee abuse. Not because they don't want to, but because they can't get the password for Dick Cheney's camera phone." --Jimmy Fallon
"I'll tell you what I'm pissed off at. Obama was speaking at Arizona State University, and they denied him an honorary degree, because his body of work, according to them, is 'yet to come.' This is Arizona State University, the ultimate dumbass party school? You know when strippers say they're 'working their way through college?' This is the college. You can have a double major in binging and purging at this school. But Obama's not good enough for an honorary degree. The first black president of the Harvard Law Review, got more votes than anyone who ever ran for president. He's been on 'Oprah!'' --Bill Maher
"Dick Cheney was on the news this week, and he said that it would be a mistake for the Republicans to moderate their policies. He said they should remain true to their core principles: gay bashing, war profiteering and torture." --Bill Maher
"Last night, President Obama hosted a poetry slam at the White House. A poetry slam is when poets stand up and read poems. They try and outdo each other. And things can get out of control. Apparently, last night, one person got up on stage and rambled on and on and didn't make any sense. And then, when Joe Biden was done, they started the poetry." --Craig Ferguson
"Well, here's what I've heard from Washington. The Republicans are downhearted. They're disenchanted and they're worried now, the Republicans, because they're out of office, they're out of power. The Republicans are worried that the image of the Republican Party is downbeat and angry. And I was thinking, well if you ask me, honestly, all the fun went out of the Republican Party when Arlen Specter left. Are you like me, do you kind of feel, all right, the party's over! … Yeah, so the Republicans are angry. And I was thinking, well you know, the time to get angry might have been eight years ago, but that didn't happen." --David Letterman
"You all have a happy Mother's Day? I thought this was nice. John Edwards told his wife, 'Of all the women I have children with, I'm going to spend today with you.'" --Jay Leno
"Governor Schwarzenegger says he is trying to get marijuana legalized here in the California. He wants to legalize it. Yeah. Yeah. I believe his campaign slogan is 'Change We Can Breathe In.'" --Jay Leno
"California Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger wants to legalize marijuana. Good slogan he has — 'Yes, we cannabis.'" --Jay Leno
"Louis Caldera, the White House aide who authorized the controversial photograph of Air Force One over lower Manhattan, resigned on Friday. May I suggest that they replace him with Photoshop?" --Seth Meyers
"President Obama announced today plans to either trim or eliminate 121 programs. The programs he wants to eliminate -- Sean Hannity, Rush Limbaugh, Bill O'Reilly." --Jay Leno
"On Wednesday, Maine became the fifth state to legalize gay marriage, after Governor Balducci signed a same-sex marriage bill into law. It's the best news for gays in Maine since L.L. Bean introduced a line of assless duck-waders." --Seth Meyers
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