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Daniel Kurtzman

The Week's Best Late-Night Jokes

By June 13, 2009

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Late-Night Political Jokes "The governor of Alaska, Sarah Palin, is angry with me. Fuming, angry, seeing red, and has called me 'pathetic.'...But, I won't kid you. I was feeling a little depressed when I heard that the Governor was mad at me and called me 'pathetic.' To cheer myself up, I went out and spent $150,000 on clothes, and I feel better now." --David Letterman

"What an honor it is for you to have me here, and what a thrill it is to bring my show to the men and women in the U.S. military in Iraq. That's right, ladies and gentlemen. Iraq. The country so nice, we invaded it twice." --Stephen Colbert, airing his show in front of U.S. troops in Iraq as part of "Operation Iraqi Stephen: Going Commando"

"But you know, it must be nice here in Iraq, because I understand some of you keep coming back again, and again, and again. ... The good news is, you've earned enough frequent flier miles for a free ticket to Afghanistan." --Stephen Colbert

"You know who was in town this weekend, went to a Yankee game? Sarah Palin ... One awkward moment, though, during the game. Maybe you heard about it, maybe you saw it on one of the highlight reels, one awkward moment for Sarah Palin at the Yankee game. During the seventh inning, her daughter was knocked up by Alex Rodriguez." --David Letterman

"A new report just came out that says President Obama has mentioned Jesus Christ in more speeches than President Bush did. Can you believe that? Still, neither has used the phrase 'Oh God, oh God,' more than President Clinton." --Conan O'Brien

"Yesterday, Supreme Court nominee Sonia Sotomayor fell and broke her ankle, and she's expected to be on crutches for several weeks. In a related story, Republicans have announced that Sotomayor's confirmation hearing will consist of three questions and a timed obstacle course." --Conan O'Brien

"President Obama is proposing a new national healthcare plan that's both inexpensive and accessible. He's calling it Have Your Surgery In Mexico." --Jimmy Fallon

President Obama says he wants to create a national healthcare plan that's both affordable and easy to use. In response, the insurance industry says they'll fight the plan with congressmen who are both affordable and easy to use." --Conan O'Brien

"He's been acting up a lot lately, Kim Jong-Il. Yesterday he sentenced two American journalists to a labor camp. And a couple of weeks ago, he tested another nuclear weapon. I think he thinks he's a Bond villain. The next thing you know, he'll be living in a hollowed-out volcano with an army of robot skeletons and he'll be stroking a large cat." --Craig Ferguson

"Al Gore is back in the news today because President Obama is saying he might send him to North Korea to negotiate with Kim Jong-Il. I'm thinking if you're going to send a vice president to negotiate with a madman, why don't you send Joe Biden? At least Biden speaks the language of crazy. He understands the ways of the bonkers." --Craig Ferguson

"In a new interview, Hillary Clinton said she originally turned down the job as secretary of state. Yup. After hearing about it, Bill Clinton said, 'Yeah, that's not the only kind of job she's turned down.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Earlier today, President Obama spoke at a town hall meeting in Green Bay, Wisconsin. Yeah. Yeah, half of the Wisconsin crowd had never seen an African-American, and the other half had never seen a skinny person." --Conan O'Brien

"Did you see Obama's speech? It went well with Muslims around the world…Republican Sen. Inhofe, he's a douche bag, he said it was un-American. These guys are just jealous that when this President goes to Middle East, nobody throws a shoe at him…Un-American? It was intelligent; it was broad-minded; it was nuanced. Oh he's right. It is un-American." --Bill Maher

"And with all this going on, did you see what Sarah Palin said yesterday? She made a speech in Alaska and she said that the money the federal government is sending to states to help bail out, well that's not good, because that's the federal government getting in there and trying to 'control people.' Yes that's right, Sarah, it's all about the Federal Reserve making your daughter use a condom." --Bill Maher

Read last week's jokes, check out our daily late-night joke roundup, or browse the late-night joke archive.

Jokes by Jay Leno and David Letterman More Jokes by Topic:
Barack Obama Jokes
Dick Cheney Jokes
Joe Biden Jokes
Nancy Pelosi Jokes
George Bush Jokes

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June 15, 2009 at 11:32 am
(1) Bowler Dude says:

The timing of this all couldn’t have been better for Letterman. He is definately stealing Conan’s thunder right now. Although, I am getting a little sick about hearing about the Palins. I am just not interested at all.

June 15, 2009 at 10:31 pm
(2) Gilby HI says:

Does this mean the gloves are off ??
The little girls of Obama are now open for jokes?
Can we tell the truth about Mrs. Obama rear end ??
When the Women of the View go after Mr. Letterman, turn off the lights it is over for all of you and your so called jokes

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