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Daniel Kurtzman

The Week's Best Late-Night Jokes

By August 7, 2009

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Late-Night Political Jokes"The two female journalists held captive in North Korea are saying they were shocked to walk into a room and see Bill Clinton there. That's what they said. Then they said they were even more shocked to see him wearing nothing but a towel." --Conan O'Brien

"I want to say happy birthday today to Barack Obama. The President just turned 48 years old, if he was ever really born, that is. I guess it all depends on whether you believe his 'birth certificate' or not." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Obama's birthday is a reminder of why healthcare is so important. As you probably know, due to a lack of healthcare coverage, Obama's mother was turned away from a number of hospitals and was ultimately forced to give birth in a manger." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Hey birthers, wanna hear my theory? My theory was that Obama was born in America and you were born with the umbilical cord around your neck." --Bill Maher

"I will show you President Obama's birth certificate when you show me Sarah Palin's high school diploma." --Bill Maher

"Sonia Sotomayor was confirmed as the Supreme Court's first Hispanic justice. Or as Lou Dobbs reported it, yet another job gone south of the border." –Conan O'Brien

"Today, former President Bill Clinton met with North Korean dictator Kim Jong-Il and convinced him to release two American journalists that have been jailed since March. Isn't that great? This is big, yeah. Or as Clinton calls it, another Asian happy ending." --Conan O'Brien

"I don't know what exactly Clinton said to North Korean dictator Kim Jong-Il, but it worked, because they released them. And I have to say, it was nice to see Bill Clinton get a release he's not almost impeached for, for a change." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Last night, Former President Bill Clinton, under cover of darkness, parachuted into North Korea with a knife in his teeth and a skull on his chest to rescue journalists Laura Ling and Euna Lee. And it was a 13-hour flight home, during which, citing standard rescue protocol, Clinton gave both women mouth-to-mouth." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Meanwhile, also this morning, Former President Bush rescued two purple stars from his Lucky Charms." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Bill Clinton got the two journalists released. This is fantastic news. And then afterwards, Clinton told the hostages, 'I, too, know what it's like to be held captive by an evil tyrant who wears ladies' sunglasses. I feel your pain.'" --Conan O'Brien

"President Obama said that Congress probably won't vote on his healthcare bill until October. What's the hurry? It's not like there's some crazy flu epidemic out there." --Jimmy Fallon

"The Pentagon's concerned that Facebook could pose a security risk to U.S. military personnel. Yeah, because apparently, there's no telling what al Qaeda could do if it knows what a soldier's five favorite romantic comedies are." --Conan O'Brien

"President Obama, Professor Gates, and Officer Crowley had their beer summit. And the big surprise was they were joined by Vice President Biden. That was the surprise, yeah. The highlight of the evening was when Officer Crowley told Biden, 'You have the right to remain silent.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Former Alaska Governor Sarah Palin and her husband Todd are denying rumors that they're getting a divorce. When asked about it, Palin said, 'When have you ever known me to not see something through?'" --Conan O'Brien

Late-Night TV Videos

Daily Show: Recap of the Week
Colbert Report: Recap of the Week
Bill Maher Takes on the 'Birthers'

Read last week's jokes, check out our daily late-night joke roundup, or browse the late-night joke archive.

Jokes by Jay Leno and David Letterman

More Jokes by Topic:
Sarah Palin Jokes
Barack Obama Jokes
Sonia Sotomayor Jokes
Mark Sanford Jokes
Joe Biden Jokes
George Bush Jokes

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Comments

August 15, 2009 at 12:00 am
(1) The democratic party says:

you are a very politicaly incorrect man, in ways like, how obamas health care is doing our nation good, and how uniformed you are

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