The Week's Best Late-Night Jokes

"President Obama is going to take two weeks to unwind, as opposed to President Bush, who never wound." --David Letterman

"The entire island of Martha's Vineyard has gone Obama crazy. There's even a cocktail that they've named after Barack Obama. It's called the Obamarita. Not to be confused with a cocktail inspired by John McCain, the Cosmopoligrip. And then there was one a couple of years ago inspired by George W. Bush, the Mojidiot. Of course, there was the Bill Clinton Screwdriver." --David Letterman

"People on Martha's Vineyard are going crazy and they're buying Obama T-shirts, they're buying Obama mugs, they're buying Obama caps. The only thing they're not buying is Obama's healthcare plan." --David Letterman

"Obama is spending the week at a $30,000 dollar-a-week beach house. And they call this guy a socialist? Come on!" --David Letterman

"John McCain at one point had to have a crazy woman removed by security at one of these town hall meetings. And I'm thinking, jeez, he should have done that a year ago." --David Letterman

"Fox News host Glenn Beck has lost over 30 sponsors since he called President Obama a racist. And the latest sponsor that he just lost is Clorox bleach. That's amazing. Even a company whose sole purpose is to make things whiter thinks Glenn Beck has gone too far." --Conan O'Brien

"Congress has been agonizing over health care for months now. Squabbling, fighting, the town hall meetings going crazy. Meanwhile, while they're arguing about health care, we're stuck in two wars that were rubber-stamped in about 10 minutes. What? How does that make any sense when you think about it?" --David Letterman

"I'll tell you something, ladies and gentlemen, if I want to see a death panel, I'll turn into a George Stephanopoulos roundtable." --David Letterman

"Cheney said that President Bush, there was a point during the second term, that he stopped listening to the vice president. George Bush stopped listening to his vice president. And I said to myself, 'Whoa. Well, maybe this guy wasn't as dumb as we thought.'" --David Letterman

"Meteorologists are now saying Hurricane Bill has been downgraded to a tropical depression. They say Bill officially hit the depression stage after a surprise run-in with Hurricane Hillary." --Conan O'Brien

"Have you seen these town hall meetings about the health care? People are screaming. And I'll tell you, because if there's one thing Americans hate, it's comprehensive health coverage." --David Letterman

"Then there's the people who come to the town hall meetings about health care and think that Obama is going to do the same thing that Hitler did. I mean, what can't you tell these people that they won't believe? I could start a rumor right now. I could say, you know what? Under Obama's health care plan, when you bring your child to a pediatrician, from now on, when he's done, instead of giving him a balloon, he's going to give the kid a condom. Stupid is a preexisting condition, yes." --Bill Maher

Read last week's jokes, check out our daily late-night joke roundup, or browse the late-night joke archive.

See Also: The Week's Best Political Cartoons

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