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Daniel Kurtzman

The Week's Best Late-Night Jokes

By September 25, 2009

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Late-Night Political Jokes "There are new security alerts issued to law enforcement agencies all across the country, because Al Qaeda is planning to attack vital economic centers. Well, good luck trying to find one of those. Luckily, Wall Street took care of them about a year ago, so we are safe." --Jay Leno

"President Obama made a big speech. He welcomed the members of the U.N. General Assembly to New York, and he said, 'I'd like to encourage you to do some shopping while you're here.' I think it worked because China immediately bought eight banks, two car companies, and the state of Wyoming." --Conan O'Brien

"President Obama was on six different TV shows pitching his healthcare plan over the last couple of days. You know the difference between Obama and the ShamWow guy? You can see the ShamWow guy on Fox." --Jay Leno

"Some good gossip. There's a new book out about Barack and Michelle Obama's marriage. And in it, they say that Michelle Obama was very upset by all these drooling blonds who would push up to her husband and rub themselves up against him. They said this. One blonde was especially suggestive and kept rubbing up against the President. And finally, Michelle said, 'Look, Chris Matthews, get away from my husband.'" --Jay Leno

"And Libyan leader Moammar Qaddafi-duck, this moron, was at the U.N. today. He talked forever. He talked on Israel and the swine flu and the JFK assassination. Where was Kanye West to grab the microphone away?" --Jay Leno

"And then the Iranian dictator Mahmoud Ahmadinejad gave a hate speech and I thought to myself, where's that 'you lie' guy when you need him?" --David Letterman

"Traffic is insane in New York City this week as it's the United Nations' 'Climate Week' and over 150 world leaders are here. It's good to see all these guys in their separate cars commuting back and forth to the U.N. to discuss ways to improve our climate." -- Jimmy Fallon

"Hey, listen to this. You know the former governor of Alaska, Sarah Palin? Boy, I know her. She's traveling all over the world now, speaking gigs. And she went to Hong Kong and gave a speech and people who heard the speech said it was articulate, it was well-prepared, it was compelling. It's a year late, but …And if it was that good I'm thinking it must have been Tina Fey." --David Letterman

"They paid her $300,000 for the speech, the Chinese, $300,000 for the speech. I guess she apparently could see the cash from her house." --David Letterman

"That's a lot of money. But you can sit down with Sarah Palin, spend a couple hours; really get to know her. You know, it's the thing John McCain should have done a year ago." --David Letterman

"Today's the first day of autumn, although Sarah Palin said today the dying leaves are because of Obama's health-care plan." --Jay Leno

"Democratic Senator Max Baucus has introduced his healthcare plan which makes it mandatory for everyone to get health insurance. They would fine people who didn't get it, and if you don't pay the fine, you could go to jail. The good news is, once you're in jail -- free healthcare!" --Jay Leno

"Thank you all for coming out on such a hot day. What was it, 104? … It was so hot today, John Edwards promised his mistress he would marry her on top of an igloo with Ice Cube playing." --Jay Leno

"And how awful is this? This book claims that John Edwards tried to calm his mistress down by promising to marry her, after his wife died, in a rooftop wedding ceremony in New York with the Dave Matthews Band as their wedding band. Really, Dave Matthews at the wedding for these two? Wouldn't Cheap Trick be more appropriate?" --Jay Leno

"There's a report going around that John Edwards is getting ready to admit that he did father a child with that woman he had an affair with during his presidential campaign. According to 'The LA Times,' one of his aides wrote a book proposal in which he claims Edwards convinced him to come forward and say he was the father of the child, which the guy did, even though he was married. Honestly we should make this guy president. If he can convince a man to say he fathered a child he didn't, he could convince anybody to do anything, right? 'Come on, China, keep lending us money. We're good for it.'" --Jimmy Kimmel

"This is all just speculation, you know. We don't know any of this actually happened and we won't be certain that the baby belongs to John Edwards until we see how the child's hair responds to blow drying." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Barack Obama has been working hard to push his healthcare proposal. Obama still wants the bill to be bipartisan, but he's a realist, and given the near unanimous Republican opposition he's facing, now says he'd be satisfied if the bill was just bicurious." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Now, there's a new book coming out about former President Clinton. And it claims that when Boris Yeltsin was visiting, Yeltsin got drunk and was found wandering Pennsylvania Avenue in his underwear looking for pizza. The book also claims that when Clinton wanders around in his underwear, he's not looking for pizza." --Conan O'Brien

"Speaking of former President Bush, according to a new book that's coming out, former President Bush secretly supports gay marriage. Bush said, 'If Bert and Ernie can make it work, anyone can.'" --Conan O'Brien

"According to a front page story in the 'LA Times,' the CIA is deploying teams of spies, analysts, and paramilitary operatives to Afghanistan as part of a broad intelligence search. They said this should catch the Taliban by surprise, unless they happen to see the front page of the 'LA Times.'" --Jay Leno

Read last week's jokes, check out our daily late-night joke roundup, or browse the late-night joke archive.

See Also: The Week's Best Political Cartoons

Jokes by Conan O'Brien and David Letterman More Jokes by Topic:
Healthcare Jokes
Joe Wilson Jokes
Sarah Palin Jokes
Barack Obama Jokes
Mark Sanford Jokes
Joe Biden Jokes
George Bush Jokes

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