"President Obama and Oprah Winfrey are going to Copenhagen together this week to push for Chicago to host the 2016 Olympics. The bad news is while they're gone the country's going to be run by Joe Biden and Jerry Springer." --Conan O'Brien
"President Obama says he will use all of his powers of persuasion to get the Olympics in Chicago. I thought, well, great. It's worked pretty well so far with his healthcare plan. Good luck there." --David Letterman
"Big healthcare news. This just happened. The public option backed by President Obama was just voted down by the Senate Finance Committee, or as supporters of universal healthcare call them, 'The Death Panel.' The final tally was eight voted 'yes,' 15 voted 'you lie!'" --Jimmy Fallon
"Sarah Palin's 400-page memoir is going to be released on November 17th, and it's called 'Going Rogue: An American Life.' And critics say that it starts out okay, it get's really exciting and then confusing, and then the last 100 pages are blank." --Jimmy Fallon
"In the back -- this is helpful -- a complete index of all my apologies." --David Letterman
"It's a big, huge book. But when you go into the store, you can use that big book to step up so you can reach a better book." --David Letterman
"Settle down. If you came here tonight for sex with a talk show host, you've got the wrong studio." --Jay Leno (Read more jokes about the Letterman extortion and sex scandal)
"There's a new book out called 'Why Women Have Sex' that says there are 237 reasons why women have sex. And folks, Letterman knows the top 10." -Jimmy Fallon
"I was shocked that Letterman has been having affairs. I had no idea he was even running for office." --Bill Maher
"Well, a new book is coming out -- oh, boy, this is unbelievable -- by John Edwards' campaign official, a guy named Andrew Young. I guess they were quite close friends. Young now says there is sex tape of John Edwards and his mistress. Well, of course, people are stunned by this. John Edwards letting someone else get in front of the camera? I don't think so." --Jay Leno
"The big news was the Senate yesterday - the finance committee - rejected the Democrats' healthcare plan, the one with the public option. Meanwhile, the Republicans are offering their own healthcare plan. It's called, 'Stop Crying and Take an Advil.'" --Jimmy Fallon
"And yesterday at the United Nations, President Barack Obama told the world, 'Don't expect America to fix all your problems.' Hey, hey, what happened to 'Yes we can?'" --Jay Leno
"Here's a story. And it's about time. Director Roman Polanski, they finally get this guy. They arrest him in Switzerland. And I was thinking well, you know, great, I'm glad they got Polanski but what about bin Laden?" --David Letterman
"Conan O'Brien got injured after hitting his head while taping Friday night's show. Unfortunately he has NBC insurance, and they disallowed the claim as a pre-existing condition." --Jay Leno
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