"That's pretty amazing, Obama winning the Nobel Peace Prize. Ironically, his biggest accomplishment as president so far: winning the Nobel Peace Prize." -Jay Leno
"The Nobel committee said he won for creating a new climate for international politics. which sounds so much nicer than 'In your face George Bush you cowboy a**hole.'" -Bill Maher
"President Obama was awarded the Nobel Peace Prize. The committee said they gave it gave it to Obama partly for his idealism and commitment to global cooperation, but mostly for calling Kanye West a jackass." --Conan O'Brien
"Conservatives say the award represents everything they stand against: black people, foreigners, and peace." --Bill Maher
"So they're going to attack the moon, and they're going to be looking for water. And I thought, well, that's pretty much sounds like our government -- bomb first, look for evidence later. That's the way we do business." --David Letterman
"I know why you're happy tonight. Because after all these months of seeing these tea baggers hold up signs of Obama with the Hitler mustache painted on, we have proof now that Obama isn't Hitler. Because when Hitler tried to get the Olympics, he got it." --Bill Maher
"You know what the saddest part is about Chicago not getting the 2016 Olympics? Former Governor Rod Blagojevich already sold 10 free seats for 100 grand apiece to the opening ceremony." --Jay Leno
"Sarah Palin's book is big, 400 pages. She wrote the book herself and agonized over every word, and so will you." --David Letterman
"There's been some squabbling in the Republican Party. In a recent interview, John McCain's former campaign manager said that if Sarah Palin is the Republican Party's presidential nominee, the results will be catastrophic. As opposed to when she was the vice presidential nominee and everything went perfectly." --Conan O'Brien
"This whole CBS blackmail scandal has affected everybody in television. Do you know it's now considered sexual harassment if you just ask, 'Who's on Letterman tonight?'" --Jay Leno
"I will be honest with you, folks. Right now, I would give anything to be hiking on the Appalachian Trail. ... I got into the car this morning and the navigation lady wasn't speaking to me. ... Things are still pretty bad. There's a possibility I'll be the first talk-show host impeached." --David Letterman (Read more on Letterman's apology)
"A producer for '48 Hours' was arrested Thursday for attempting a stupid human trick. It was reported that the blackmailer was saying he was going to reveal embarrassing details about Letterman's life. For instance, after sex he would say, 'Stay tuned for Craig Ferguson.'" --Seth Meyers
"There's a new book out called 'why women have sex' that has a list of 237 reasons why women have sex. And Letterman knows the top ten." --Jimmy Fallon
"This weekend, President Obama is going to speak to the nation's largest gay rights group. And members of the group are upset that he hasn't kept his campaign promises to them. However, the gay rights group says all will be forgiven if Obama makes his speech shirtless." --Conan O'Brien
"At the box office this weekend, the movie 'Zombieland' was No. 1. It beat Michael Moore's new documentary. 'Zombieland' and the Michael Moore movie are very different, of course. One has a disgusting, lumbering monster that eats everything in its path, and the other one has zombies." --Craig Ferguson
"After I made a joke about Newark, New Jersey, last week, the mayor banned me from flying into Newark airport. Now if I want to get to Newark, I'll have to get there the same way everyone else does -- through a series of poor choices." --Conan O'Brien
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