"Did you know the Nobel Peace Prize comes with a cash award? It's like a million dollars. Actually, it's $1.4 million. See, apparently, this is President Obama's plan to finance healthcare reform. Keep winning these awards -- the Nobel, the Powerball, the Publishers Clearinghouse Sweepstakes -- keep winning these, and we can pay for the whole healthcare thing." --Jay Leno
"Now, it was announced today they gave the Nobel Prize in economics to two American economists. Really, we have economists? Where the hell they been the last five years? We don't even have an economy. How can we win that?" --Jay Leno
"President Obama says he wants to put an end to the policy, 'Don't Ask, Don't Tell.' Yeah, in the military. This is not to be confused with George Bush's policy, 'Don't Know, Don't Care.' That's a whole different deal." --David Letterman
"Last night, the White House hosted a tribute to Latin music. President Obama wiggled his hips a little on the dance floor at which point a committee in Sweden immediately awarded him a Latin Grammy." --Conan O'Brien
"Sarah Palin's memoir will be out next month. Revelations in the memoir. The last couple of months on the campaign, it was actually Tina Fey." --David Letterman
"They also say that during her debate with Joe Biden -- the vice presidential debate -- she got confused and at one point actually said, 'I'm ready to solve the puzzle, Pat.'" --David Letterman
"John McCain said that Sarah Palin is still a force in the Republican Party. Then he got in his car and backed over his mailbox." --David Letterman
"Do you know in Washington today, a Republican senator from Maine voted with the Democrats on health care? That's the first time a Republican switched sides and was not arrested in an airport bathroom." --Craig Ferguson
"Republican Senator Olympia Snowe broke ranks with her party and voted for the Democrats' healthcare bill. She's been missing ever since." --Jimmy Fallon
"Ladies and gentlemen, President Obama wants to put an end to the 'Don't Ask, Don't Tell' policy in the military not to be confused with Dick Cheney's policy, 'Don't Look, Don't Aim.'" --David Letterman
"Hillary Clinton, Secretary of State, says she will eventually retire and will not be running for president ever again, unlike George W. Bush, who retired as soon as he was elected president." --David Letterman
"Actually, when Vice President Joe Biden heard that President Obama won the Nobel Prize, he was speechless. So, it's already doing some good." --Jay Leno
"Earlier today, the Nobel Prize for economics was awarded to a woman for the first time ever. So, congratulations, Michelle Obama." --Conan O'Brien
"Rush Limbaugh, who is trying to buy the St. Louis Rams, has downplayed racial comments that he's made in the past by saying if he was a racist, why would he want to be part of a business that is 70% African American? Well, I don't know. Maybe because you would own them? Think that has anything to do with it?" --Jay Leno
"Rush Limbaugh has been named one of the official judges of the Miss America Pageant. I'm like, what? A loudmouth judge who loves prescription painkillers? Wait, wait, it worked for 'American Idol.'" --Craig Ferguson
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