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Daniel Kurtzman

The Week's Best Late-Night Jokes

By November 6, 2009

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Late-Night Political Jokes "President Obama said that his economic plan has saved or created one million new jobs. Well, one million and two if you count the new jobs he's created for governors of Virginia and New Jersey." -Jay Leno

"One year ago today, ladies and gentlemen, Barack Obama was elected president one year ago today. One year later, we're still in Iraq. We're still in Afghanistan. But, you know, at least we got rid of Paula Abdul." -David Letterman

"Hey, the health care bill was introduced yesterday. It's 1,990 pages long and costs $894 billion dollars. Or $2.2 million per word. That makes them the most expensive words to come out of Washington since 'Mission Accomplished.'" -Jimmy Fallon

"Here, of course, we celebrate Halloween. In Mexico they call it what? 'Day of the Dead,' where people believe the dead rise and walk the earth again. Or, as folks at Acorn call it, the 'Voter Registration Day.'" -Jay Leno

"He's OK now, but during the middle of his show FOX News commentator Glenn Beck was rushed to the hospital for an attack of appendicitis. Yeah, apparently, Beck was crying and screaming incoherently, so his audience assumed everything was normal." -Conan O'Brien

"It's interesting what former presidents do when they leave office. Bush is now working as a motivational speaker. And if you want to be motivated, who better to turn to than the guy who invaded the wrong country and started a depression." -David Letterman

"Bush will be a great motivational speaker. Look how many people he motivated to vote Democrat. So there you go!" --David Letterman

"Yesterday during a speech President Obama embarrassed his daughter, Malia, by revealing that she recently got a 73 on a science test. Then Malia embarrassed him by asking him how the governors races in Virginia and New Jersey turned out." -Conan O'Brien

"HBO is running a documentary about the election of Barack Obama. It's called 'By the People.' It's all about the election of Barack Obama, and after this, they have a documentary about the election of George W. Bush. It's called 'By Mistake.'" -David Letterman

"President Obama said that his economic plan has saved or created one million new jobs. Well, one million and two if you count the new jobs he's created for governors of Virginia and New Jersey." -Jay Leno

"Bad year for Democrats right now. All the Democrats have left is the presidency, both houses of Congress, and all of Hollywood. That's all they have." -David Letterman

"Yesterday, voters in the state of Maine voted no to gay marriage, but yes to medical marijuana. That's right, people in Maine believe marriage should be a sacred institution between a really stoned man and a really stoned woman." -Conan O'Brien

"The White House has approved a new plan to pay -- they're going to pay members of the Taliban to change sides and support the U.S. And if it works there, they're going to try it with Fox News." -Jay Leno

"This weekend for Halloween, President Obama wore chinos, a white button down shirt and a crew neck sweater. Yeah. Apparently, Obama went as the whitest president in the history of the United States." -Conan O'Brien

"Even the Obamas got into the Halloween spirit. They handed out dried fruit to 2,000 trick or treaters. And just like that, they created 2,000 more Republicans." -Jimmy Fallon

"Yesterday, the country of Kosovo unveiled an 11-foot tall statue of former President Clinton. Yeah. That's right. The Clinton statue is so life-like, it's already been slapped 12 times." -Conan O'Brien

"The government says there is a swine flu vaccine shortage that could last through December. Great. Have you ever noticed that in this country, we never seem to run out of illegal drugs. Why don't we pay the guys who make crystal meth to start making this stuff." -Jay Leno

Read last week's jokes, check out our daily late-night joke roundup, or browse the late-night joke archive.

See Also: The Week's Best Political Cartoons

Jokes by Conan O'Brien and David Letterman More Jokes by Topic:
Barack Obama Jokes
Sarah Palin Jokes
Healthcare Jokes
Joe Biden Jokes
George Bush Jokes

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November 7, 2009 at 3:24 pm
(1) Sarah Connor says:

Have you seen the band Schwarzenator that lamppons the governor? Here they are doing Conan (the Destroyer) wearing Conan (O’Brien) masks…! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RCyNpiJgQlg

November 12, 2009 at 10:32 am
(2) Arthur Rowse says:

Your site should include the newly published satirical Jokers Wild Cards on your site. The caricatures and quips cut across party lines and nail a few media types in the process. For samples, see http://www.jokerswildcards.com.

November 13, 2009 at 12:57 am
(3) World Cruises says:

What? Schwarzenator?
That sounds funny! haha

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