The Week's Best Late-Night Jokes

"It's been reported that outspoken anti-immigration anchor Lou Dobbs is leaving CNN. Yeah. True story, yeah. He'll be replaced by a guy named Juan, who will do the same job for $5 an hour." -Conan O'Brien

"CBS News is reporting that President Obama has decided to send 40,000 more troops to Afghanistan. Obama says it's all part of his plan to finally deliver on the campaign promises made by John McCain." -Jimmy Fallon

"First Lady Michelle Obama appears on 'Sesame Street' to celebrate the show's 40th anniversary. It's going to be a big episode. Yes, sources say the episode gets a little tense when Ernie and Bert ask the first lady why her husband's dragging his feet on gay marriage." -Conan O'Brien

"President Obama's approval rating is down to 46 percent. That means 54 percent of the people do not approve of the job he's doing. I think this is totally unfair. We should at least wait until he actually does something." -Jay Leno

"Congressman William Jefferson, who the FBI caught with 90,000 dollars in bribe money in his freezer, has been convicted of 11 counts of bribery and corruption. Jefferson still says he did nothing wrong. He claims he just fell in with the wrong crowd -- Congress." -Jay Leno

"When you think about it and think about what it meant at the time and what it has meant since it really is one of those things that in our lifetime we have been tremendously lucky to observe the end of the wall in Berlin. The wall came down 20 years ago today. And that signaled the end of communism. Until, of course, Obama and his pinko buddies took over." -David Letterman

"Google has announced that they're going to give free Internet access in airports all across the country. It's fantastic! Up until now, the only way to see something pornographic at an airport was to follow a senator into the bathroom." -Craig Ferguson

"Former New York Governor Eliot Spitzer, who was forced to resign because he used prostitutes, will deliver a lecture tomorrow at the Harvard center for Ethics. Yeah, if you want to check out the speech, it costs $500 for half an hour, $900 if you want to stay for the whole hour." -Jimmy Fallon

"Carrie Prejean is in the news again. She's the beauty pageant contestant who spoke out against gay marriage. She's a very family-values-oriented woman who, in her spare time, made a pornographic video tape. She says it is not a sex tape because she's the only one in it. It's s solo sex tape. It's the first female solo sex tape . . . she flies solo. She's like the Amelia Earhart of the naked." -Jimmy Kimmel

"Chrysler announced it's coming out with a new logo that's going to appear on all of its cars, and they hope it will boost sales. And it should help, because the new logo says, 'Toyota.'" -Conan O'Brien

"The health-care reform bill has passed by the House. Well, that was easy. And you know what that means, it's just one step away to being defeated by the Senate. ... It was close, 220 yeas, 215 nays and one -- you lie, you lie!" -David Letterman

"To win passage for this healthcare bill, President Obama personally lobbied some of the wavering congressman. The health insurance industry is very upset. They said they bought and paid for these congressmen, he has no right to go up to them and talk to them." -Jay Leno

"The other day in Wisconsin, Sarah Palin gave a speech, and the crowd was searched to make sure there were no cameras. That's right. Yeah, according to experts, Palin subscribes to the primitive belief that cameras will 'steal her crazy.'" -Conan O'Brien

"Three young Americans have been charged with espionage in Iran after straying into the country while hiking in Iraq. Now, obviously, we all pray for their safe return. But hiking in Iraq? I mean -- you know, if you're hiking in Iraq and Iran, you might want to get a you new travel agent. Okay? ... I mean, who goes hiking in Iraq? What was the rafting trip to Somalia all booked up?" -Jay Leno

"Glenn Beck had an emergency appendectomy, but he'll be back on the air tomorrow. That's right. However, for his first day back, doctors are warning Glenn to take it easy and only compare Obama to Hitler three times an hour." -Conan O'Brien

Read last week's jokes, check out our daily late-night joke roundup, or browse the late-night joke archive.

See Also: The Week's Best Political Cartoons

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