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Daniel Kurtzman

The Week's Best Late-Night Jokes

By , About.com GuideNovember 20, 2009

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Late-Night Political Jokes "President Obama arrived in China yesterday. And to foster the spirit of good will, he wore the traditional clothes made by the children of China. You know, L.L. Bean, J. Crew, Banana Republic, Nike, Reebok." -Jay Leno

"Sarah Palin's book is number one on Amazon.com right now. Stephen King actually has the number two book. Very scary new book called 'Sarah Palin Becomes President.'" -Jimmy Kimmel

"In Sarah Palin's new book, she says when she first laid eyes on her future husband, she said out loud, 'Thank you, God,' which is the same thing the Democrats said when they first laid eyes on Sarah Palin." -Conan O'Brien

"Sarah Palin goes after vegetarians, too. She asks, 'If God had not intended for us to eat animals, how come he made them out of meat?' It's a really good question. Hey, wait a second. People are made out of meat, too! And so are cocker spaniels. I think the lesson is, don't go to Sarah Palin's house for Thanksgiving dinner." -Jimmy Kimmel

"On Monday, Oprah Winfrey and Sarah Palin will sit down and they're going to talk for an entire hour. And I was thinking, too bad John McCain didn't do that with her before he chose her as his running mate." -David Letterman

"The White House has announced that they no longer recognize Fox as a news organization, which puts them about eight years behind the rest of us." -David Letterman

"Do you know where President Obama is right now? In China. Today he was over there. They're touring him around. He got to see where they keep all our money." -David Letterman

"President Obama said he probably won't read Sarah Palin's new book, because she'll sell enough copies without him. Meanwhile, President Bush said he probably won't read Sarah Palin's book, because it's a book." -Jimmy Fallon

"Terrible news. Oprah Winfrey, our spiritual leader, our mother confessor, our Caribbean Queen -- after 25 years, has decided to leave us. Maybe John Cusack was right. Maybe the world is going to end in 2012. ... One interview with Sarah Palin and she decides to go. Quitting might be contagious." -Jimmy Kimmel

"Liz Cheney said on Fox News that her father, former Vice President Dick Cheney, should run for president in 2012. In fact, that's apparently in the Mayan calendar too, you know. Cheney becomes president, and then the whole world ends. That's exactly what happens." -Jay Leno

"Former Vice President Dick Cheney is in the news. Cheney slammed President Obama for bowing before the emperor of Japan. Cheney said, 'Come on, it's not like he's the CEO of Exxon.'" -Conan O'Brien

"But you know, President Bush never bowed to any foreign leaders. He just held hands with them and also he kissed them and then they shared a bunk bed. But that was different. That was for oil." -Jimmy Kimmel

"Earlier today, President Obama took a tour of the Great Wall of China. He said it was, quote, 'magical' as opposed to two years ago, when former President Bush stood at the exact same spot and said, 'Mr. Gorbachev, tear down this wall!'" -Conan O'Brien

"It's been announced that President Obama's first state dinner at the White House is going to be held in honor of the prime minister of India. Guests are encouraged to wear black tie and to bring any laptops with tech problems." -Conan O'Brien

"You guys hear this? 'The Oxford Dictionary' declared that the 2009 word of the year is 'unfriend.' To unfriend means to completely delete somebody you don't like from your life, or as CNN calls it, 'Lou Dobbs them.'" -Jimmy Fallon

"In a new interview, President Obama said that the people could lose confidence in the U.S. economy if our debt continues to grow. And Americans were like, 'Uh, way ahead of you, dude.'" -Jimmy Fallon

"And last night in New York, for the third time in two weeks, Vice President Joe Biden's motorcade was involved in a traffic accident. Remember the old days when the Vice President would just shoot you? No wonder they want universal healthcare." -Jay Leno

"I was watching 'Oprah' on the TV. She had Sarah Palin on the show. Sarah was promoting her book, where she talks about her plans for the future. I think she wants to be the next leader of the free world, which is ridiculous, because no one can replace Oprah." -Craig Ferguson

"People see her as a candidate in 2012. Some people have started giving money to her campaign. For instance, she just received a very generous check from Barack Obama." -Jimmy Kimmel

"She believes that women are held to a higher standard than men. She quotes Margaret Thatcher, who said, 'If you want something done, ask a woman.' I guess that's why she asked a woman to write the book for her." -Jimmy Kimmel

"Did you see any of the Sarah Palin on the Oprah show? Wow. She said that she disagrees with Barack Obama getting the Nobel Peace Prize. She said she thought it was premature and she said other world leaders, other foreign dignitaries, probably more deserving of that award. Of course, she couldn't name any, but still." -David Letterman

"Sarah Palin's got that book out, that 'Going Rogue.' And she says that she was upset with John McCain because at the end of the election night, the McCain people would not let her deliver a concession speech. And I thought, don't worry, Sarah, I'm sure you'll get another opportunity." -David Letterman

Read last week's jokes, check out our daily late-night joke roundup, or browse the late-night joke archive.

See Also: The Week's Best Political Cartoons

Jokes by Conan O'Brien and David Letterman More Jokes by Topic:
Barack Obama Jokes
Sarah Palin Jokes
Healthcare Jokes
Joe Biden Jokes
George Bush Jokes

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Comments

November 20, 2009 at 8:43 am
(1) jondoe :

Falin – the gift that keeps on giving!
(unfortunately, I would have said that about Bush too – and look where he wound up. Voters are so stupidly gullible!)
Just because ANYBODY can be president, doesn’t mean that ‘anybody’ should be.

November 23, 2009 at 12:52 pm
(2) Joan Deaux :

“Just because ANYBODY can be president, doesn’t mean that ‘anybody’ should be.”

You got that right! It’s a horrifying thought that we have the most inexperienced, empty-suited poseur presently in our White House.

I see by your post that you are an elitist. I submit that it’s your ideology that causes you to think so highly of yourself. You’re nothing but a little drive-by smart aleck like most of those who share your political philosophy. And these Hollywood types – a group of people who, for the most part, have alley cat morals – are in solid agreement with you politically.

Here’s a challenge for you. Begin to read books and articles you don’t agree with. See if you can at least understand another point of view. At best you will change your mind about the things you accept as true. At worst, you will be less inclined to be a robot for the left.

Take care, now.

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