The Week's Best Late-Night Jokes

"President Obama is having a big Super Bowl party. This is very shrewd. He has invited a group of Republicans to come to the White House for his Super Bowl party. He's going to seat the 'you lie' guy next to the 'not true' guy." -David Letterman

"President Bush told Obama, he said, 'Listen, you get 10 Republicans to show up, and I'll drop in and choke on a pretzel.'" -David Letterman

"Elizabeth Edwards announced that she and John have separated. So it looks like it's not just Nancy Pelosi that's going to lose the house this year." -Jay Leno

"I am stunned that John Edwards made a sex tape. Do you realize this guy is basically Paris Hilton with better hair? That's all he is." -Jay Leno

"And, of course, Edwards has no remorse. Today, he called ABC to see if he could be the next 'Bachelor.'" -Jay Leno

"Here's big news: United States Senate reconfirms chairman of the Fed. Ben Bernanke was reconfirmed. So he'll have the job for four more years. I just hope we have an economy for four more years." -David Letterman

"Everybody's talking about the military's 'Don't Ask, Don't Tell' policy. Admiral Mike Mullen said it's wrong to force people to lie about who they are in order to serve their country. Then Congress was like: 'Who cares? We do that every election.'" -Jimmy Fallon

"Oh, here's something interesting and important. The Pentagon now wants to allow gays to serve openly in the military. You know what that means, ladies and gentlemen? More parades." -David Letterman

"I think it was Bill Clinton who popularized the 'Don't Ask, Don't Tell' policy. But don't confuse that with another Clinton policy -- 'Don't Ask, Don't Tell Hillary.' That was a whole different policy." -David Letterman

"'Don't Ask, Don't Tell' could be a thing of the past, very soon. The chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, Admiral Michael Mullen, says he believes gays should serve in the military, all gays, whether they want to or not." -Jimmy Kimmel

"During a town hall meeting in New Hampshire yesterday, President Obama said that using stimulus money to help schools is not sexy, but it's making a difference. Oddly enough, that's the same way he describes Nancy Pelosi." -Jimmy Fallon

"They're now coming out with the new, 75th edition of Monopoly, this time with a round board. No more square boards. And actually, they've updated the whole game. In the new version, the banker is a Wall Street CEO He overextends mortgages, he loses the bank, and when things go under, he uses his get-out-of-jail-for-free card. So it's all very realistic." -Jay Leno

"At the town hall event, President Obama also said jobs will be our No. 1 focus in 2010. He then added, 'Specifically, mine and Biden's jobs.'" -Jimmy Fallon

"Well, the Oscar nominations were announced today, you guys. Best-actor nominees included George Clooney for 'Up in the Air,' Jeremy Renner for 'The Hurt Locker,' and President Obama for the 'State of the Union.'" -Jimmy Fallon

David Letterman's Top Ten Surprises In The $3.8 Trillion Federal Budget

10. $3.5 trillion given to committee fighting overspending
9. President now has to pay $25 for each bag he brings aboard Air Force One
8. Cut NASA budget so much, next mission is to New Haven, Conn.
7. Estimate does not include convenience fee of $3.95
6. Government is raising the money by sending out a drunk Rip Torn to rob banks
5. United States pays for Ahmadinejad's tan windbreakers
4. It allocates $5 billion for a giant wallet to hold all money
3. Don't tell him, it's a surprise, but McCain's getting a new Craftmatic Adjustable Bed
2. $1 billion research grant to figure out what the hell iPad does
1. The naked centerfold of Sen.-elect Scott Brown

Read last week's jokes, check out our daily late-night joke roundup, or browse the best jokes from recent months.

See Also: The Week's Best Political Cartoons

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