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Daniel Kurtzman

The Best Eric Massa Jokes

By March 11, 2010

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Eric Massa: Conservative Hero Ex-Congressman Eric Massa's tales of tickle fests with staffers and naked shower fights with Rahm Emanuel have turned him into the butt of late-night jokes this week. Here's a roundup of the latest quips:

"Former Democratic congressman Eric Massa resigned on Monday amid allegations that he groped male staff workers. Massa claims he was tickling them and then claimed he was being forced out over his healthcare vote. If you're wondering why we don't have healthcare, it's because there's too much tickling in Congress." -Jimmy Kimmel

"One of Eric Massa's former shipmates says he used to give his subordinates massages and called them, 'Massa massages.' Which is why the Navy's policy toward Massa was 'Don't ask . . . because it's pretty obvious isn't it?'" -Jimmy Fallon

"Massa was on Glenn Beck and he showed a book of graphic photos of things sailors did for fun when at sea. The book was so graphic, they couldn't show them on the air. Now if you're trying to convince people you're not gay, you probably shouldn't show your big book of naked sailors." -Jay Leno

"First he went on Glenn Beck and he told about his 50th birthday party with all men, and they got into a big tickle fight. You know, like guys do. Don't you hate that, when you're in a big, giggling pile of dudes and people try o make it into something gay. " -Bill Maher

"Then he went on Larry King, and Larry said, 'Are you gay?' And he said, 'I won't answer that question. Let the men I served with in the navy answer that question.' ... They used to call him a navy seal. Not because he was in special forces. Because he was always balancing balls on his nose." -Bill Maher

"He admits to groping, fondling, and tickling. And I'm thinking, well, why isn't this guy governor of New York?" -David Letterman

"New York congressman Eric Massa has resigned his post this week after allegations that he groped his male staff. If it's not Charlie Rangel trying to get into your wallet, it's Eric Massa trying to get in your pants." -Jay Leno

"Former New York congressman Eric Massa admitted to tickling a staffer until he couldn't breathe. Dick Dick Cheney said, 'We should have tried that at Gitmo.'" -David Letterman

Read more late-night jokes...

David Letterman's Top Ten Things You Don't Want to Hear From Your Congressman

10. "Oh, suddenly I'm gay because I roll on the floor tickling men?"
9. "Four o'clock - gropin' time"
8. "Whoops, came to work naked again"
7. "Too much mint, not enough julep"
6. "Filibuster? I hardly know her"
5. "You're not wearing a wire, are you?"
4. "Look, I don't know what snorkeling is, but stop doing it to me"
3. "What would Eliot Spitzer to?"
2. This: "Now they're saying I groped a male staffer. Yeah, I did. Not only did I grope him, I tickled him until he couldn't breathe and then four guys jumped on top of me."
1. "Mind if I do a little polling?"

Massa and Beck Conspire For Train Wreck TV

Eric Mass Interview with Glenn Beck Massa's extremely bizarre interview with Glenn Beck provided even more comic fodder, with Massa talking about his fetish for tickle fights and Beck apologizing to his viewers for wasting their time.

(You can watch the most ridiculous parts of the Massa-Beck interview in under a minute, courtesy of HuffPost comedy.)

Jon Stewart thinks Beck might need a visit from the tickle monster after his interview with Massa. Stewart also suggests a new sign-off for Beck: "I think I've wasted an hour of your time. And I apologize for that. See you tomorrow.'"

Jerry Seinfeld rips Massa during a surprise appearance on Saturday Night Live's "Weekend Update"

Stephen Colbert demonstrates Massa-style 'non-sexual groping' with an intern

Bill Maher wonders how many repressed and closeted lawmakers work in Congress. "I would love to be a fly on the wall in that congressional steam room and see how many closet cases there are in this congress," Maher said on MSNBC. "I think the Vatican has less repressed homosexuals than the United States Congress."

Andy Borowitz: Colleagues Praise Massa for Reaching Around the Aisle

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