Former President Bill Clinton rocked the house at the annual Gridiron Club Dinner last weekend, where he filled in for President Obama as the comedy headliner.
"I've been wanting to stand in for President Obama for a long time," Clinton said, "and since they turned me down for Dancing with the Stars, I had nothing better to do."
Clinton said Obama called to ask him to sub for him because the current president was busy "polishing up his Nobel Peace Prize." Obama, he said, asked: "You've got one of these, don't you?"
Obama, for his part, addressed the audience via videotape, referring to himself as "the second black president." Obama said that when he called Clinton to stand in for him, the former president said, "Let me clear my schedule for the next three years."
Clinton cracked jokes about Republicans, Democrats, his own health, and his audience of reporters in his comedy routine. Here's a roundup of Clinton's best one-liners:
On Democrats passing health care reform: "It may not happen in my lifetime, or Dick Cheney's, but hopefully by Easter."
On his regret that he didn't come to the dinner without either of the Bushes: "I'm used to having them by my side when I walk into a disaster area."
On his favorite new cocktail: "Lipitor on the rocks"
On Obama appearing on FOX News: He was "keeping his word about meeting with hostile leaders without preconditions."
On Rahm Emanuel, who worked in the Clinton White House: "I found Rahm. I created him. I made him what he is today. I am so sorry."
On his own economic record: "My only regret in creating 23 million new jobs is that two million of those jobs were for right-wing pundits."
On Democrats' controversial attempts to offer sweeteners to win votes for health care reform: "I flew here from Cleveland, and I flew out of the Dennis Kucinich Airport."
On Sen. Orrin Hatch, who spoke earlier in the evening: "Orrin, he's the wittiest of all the Republicans. That's sort of like saying he's the tallest of the Seven Dwarfs."
There's no video of Clinton's speech, but you can watch a vintage clip of Bill Clinton's hilarious farewell video at the 2000 White House Correspondents' dinner, which remains one of the funniest presidential comedy bits of all time.
More Gridiron Comedy Highlights
Sen. Claire McCaskill, speaking for the Democrats, came prepared with her own one-liners: "In Washington, we know there's a huge difference between a prostitute and a politician. There are some things a prostitute won't do."
Continuing on the prostitute theme, McCaskill also poked fun at the Louisana senator who was caught frequenting prostitutes. Complaining that some senators are so literal, she said, "Every time I mention that Missouri is the show me state, I have to tell David Vitter to put his pants back on."
Hatch, speaking for the Republicans, also cracked a few risque jokes: "When I went through security, I was asked if I had a bomb in my underwear. Modesty, of course kept me from answering truthfully." He went on to joke that his wife "knows me as the original stimulus package."
Some of the journalists in attendance performed song parodies, a Gridiron tradition. Politico posted lyrics to the songs, which included "Not Born in the USA," a take on Bruce Springsteen and a joke on President Obama.
He's got a darn suspicious middle name
Americans don't name their kids Hussein
He claims Hawaii but the hell I say
Hawaii isn't even in the U.S.A.
More Political Comedy Acts:
Joe Biden Does Stand-Up Comedy at Radio & TV Dinner
Sarah Palin Does Stand-Up Routine on 'The Tonight Show'
Obama Kills at White House Correspondents' Dinner
Bush Sings Farewell Song at Gridiron Roast
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Comments
Man, do I miss Bill Clinton!