"Now, I know Obama was trying to take the long view, but talking about solar energy in the middle of the oil spill is like watching your house engulfed in flames and saying, 'We really should change the curtains.'" —Craig Ferguson
"Speaking of the oil spill, yesterday, BP ordered 32 oil-separating machines designed by Kevin Costner. Costner said, all along, a voice kept telling him, 'If you build it and there's a huge oil spill and the oil company and government have absolutely no idea whatsoever how to clean it up, they will come.'" —Jimmy Fallon
"Hey, have you been following what's been going on in the South Carolina Democratic primary for the Senate? This is very bizarre. A man named Alvin Greene has won the Democratic primary. But he didn't go to any campaign events, spent no money, gave no speeches, was kicked out of the Army, he's unemployed, he lives with his mother, and he's facing felony charges for showing lewd photos to students. I know. Sounds like a senator to me." —Jay Leno
"Sarah Palin is speaking out about the oil spill. She said, I'm not kidding, we should ask the Dutch for help with the spill because the Dutch have the world's best dikes. So let me get this straight. It is OK to cover lesbians in oil but you just can't let them get married." —Craig Ferguson
"Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me eight times, I must be a f**king idiot." —Jon Stewart, on the last eight presidents vowing to end America's addiction to foreign oil
"Did you hear about this? In Afghanistan, the U.S. has discovered large deposits of iron, copper, cobalt, gold, and lithium. Or, as most people would call it, 'not Osama bin Laden.'" —Jimmy Fallon
"There is a new bill in the Senate that is upsetting a lot of people. This bill would give the President the power to shut off the Internet. Al Gore is strongly opposed to it. Not because he invented the Internet. Because he did. But because he just signed up for Match.com." —Craig Ferguson
"The president met with BP CEO Tony Hayward, and Obama was demanding that BP clean up the Gulf. And I'm thinking, good luck. They can't even clean up their gas station restrooms." —David Letterman
"How about that oil slick in the Gulf of Mexico. And you know, the oil slick is going everywhere. So the next time somebody lands on the Hudson, it won't be that big a deal." —David Letterman
"A congressman from Texas apologized to BP for what he called a political 'shakedown.' Nice to see rich, white guys sticking up for each other." —David Letterman
"Rep. Joe Barton of Texas took it upon himself to apologize to BP CEO Tony Hayward for a political 'shakedown.' He later apologized for his apology and explained that he hadn't seen the news in two months, and didn't know that BP recently destroyed the ocean." —Jimmy Kimmel
"Obama's not the only one on the hot seat right now. The CEO of BP is taking a lot of flak. His name is Tony Hayward. Today, President Obama had a meeting with Hayward at the White House. It got off to the wrong start. Hayward arrived in a Hummer limo powered by baby seals." —Craig Ferguson
"Hayward didn't take any questions after his White House meeting today. Probably a good thing. He's great at destroying ecosystems, but not so great at talking. Hayward has said: 'No one wants this thing over more than I do. I'd like my life back.' Tony, I'm so sorry you had your summer disrupted. I'd buy you a drink, but you'd probably spill that, too. And make me clean it up." —Craig Ferguson
"You know it's a real catastrophe when our biggest hope is Kevin Costner. I'm not kidding. Costner spent millions of his own money to develop a water-cleaning system that soaks up oil-tainted water and spins it around and pumps out pure water at the other end. Director James Cameron is also helping out. He offered up his fleet of private submarines. If he's serious about cleaning up the spill, why doesn't he soak it up with his 'Avatar' money?" —Craig Ferguson
"This spill makes the Exxon Valdez look like a leaky juice box." —Craig Ferguson
"And then, right after the president's speech, Sarah Palin, former governor of Alaska, said that we should not demonize the oil companies. Well, I'm glad somebody's looking out for the little guy." —David Letterman
"Well, President Obama said today he's going to use the gulf disaster to immediately push a new energy bill through Congress. I got an idea. How about first using the gulf disaster to fix the gulf disaster?" —Jay Leno
"There's some good economic news here. Employers plan to hire 5 percent more college graduates this year than in 2009. Unfortunately, almost all these jobs involve rubber gloves, paper towels, and a one-way ticket to the Gulf of Mexico." —Jimmy Fallon
"Today in Washington, BP CEO Tony Hayward told members of Congress that his company is working to make sure that a spill like this does not happen again. And they have a great plan in place. They're going out of business." —Jimmy Fallon
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