The Week's Best Late-Night Jokes

"Due to an explosive interview in Rolling Stone magazine, our top commander in Afghanistan, Gen. Stanley McChrystal, has been ordered home to explain why he criticized the president, made fun of Joe Biden, and called the White House staff a bunch of clowns. He should be called home. That's not the general's job. That is my job." —Jay Leno

"General McChrystal was relieved of his duties because of derogatory comments he made about President Obama and other White House staffers. In fact, when he heard that, Joe Biden was shocked and said, 'What? You can get fired for saying something stupid? What? When'd they start that? Is that new?'" —Jay Leno

"The general is in trouble for shooting off his mouth. Once again, another hole Obama can't plug." —David Letterman

"So, the bad news for McChrystal is he got fired for insulting the President. But the good news is, Fox said, 'We'll hire him.'" —Jay Leno

"Sarah Palin has admitted she tried marijuana several years ago, but she did not like it. She said it distorted her perceptions, impaired her thinking, and she's hoping that the effects will eventually wear off." —Jay Leno

"President Obama is being criticized now. Here's the problem. The British Petroleum guy, Tony Hayward, was on his yacht recently. Everybody thought, whoa, this idiot. I mean, the Gulf of Mexico is turning to asphalt and the British Petroleum guy is relaxing on his yacht. When he heard about that, President Obama was so angry, he missed a putt." —David Letterman

"Tony Hayward on a yacht. Where are the Somali pirates when you need them?" —Jay Leno

"In his defense, Tony twittered that the oil spill was still his top priority. And I think you know that a guy really cares when he tweets from his yacht." —David Letterman

"Today, President Obama fired General Stanley McChrystal, saying McChrystal showed poor judgment in his Rolling Stone interview. It turns out when it comes to criticizing the White House, the general's policy is 'just ask, and I'll tell.'" —Jimmy Fallon

"Historically, every president has had trouble with generals. Obama trouble with his generals, and Bill Clinton, of course, had trouble with his privates." —David Letterman

"McChrystal's clearly been hitting that sweet Afghani heroin. Because you would have to be higher than Keith Richards to criticize your commander-in-chief at a time of war in front of a reporter from Rolling Stone." —Stephen Colbert

"So President Obama calls the guy (General McChrystal) home from Afghanistan, and they had, like, a sit-down in the White House, in the Oval Office, today. It was very, very intimate. It was the President, it was General McChrystal, the Salahis, and that's it." —David Letterman

"Remember the Times Square bomber, Faisal Shahzad? He was in court today. And here is where the guy screwed up. He didn't count on our army of alert T-shirt vendors. And I was thinking, well, it's too bad we didn't have them in the Gulf of Mexico." —David Letterman

"Because of the success of 'Toy Story 3,' Pixar is now rushing ahead with its plans to do a sequel to one of its most popular movies, presented by BP. It's BP presents 'Try Finding Nemo Now.'" —Jay Leno

"Well, actually, I tell you, I think it's hurting him. President Obama is losing support from his own party over the way he's handling this BP situation. You want to know how bad it is, today, Jimmy Carter compared him to Jimmy Carter." —Jay Leno

"While the whole oil mess has been going on, President Obama spent the weekend playing golf with Vice President Biden. Biden's handicap is 16 and Obama's handicap is Biden." —Jimmy Fallon

"There are rumors that the CEO of BP is saying they might go out of business. Then who will be in charge of not stopping the leak?" —David Letterman

"A congressman actually apologized to BP's CEO for the way the company has been treated. How stupid are you when the CEO of BP is in the room and people think you're the moron?" —Jay Leno

"While testifying before Congress yesterday, BP CEO Tony Hayward called the oil spill a 'complex accident caused by an unprecedented combination of failures.' Then he realized he was reading notes left on the stand by a Goldman Sachs executive." —Jimmy Fallon

"NASA says that there may be 100 times more water on the moon than they thought. There's so much water that BP is planning to go there and ruin it." —Craig Ferguson

"The confirmation hearings for Supreme Court nominee Elena Kagan will be shown live Monday on C-SPAN 3. You know it's going to be boring when C-SPAN 2 passes on it." —Jimmy Fallon

"It was the 36th anniversary of the Watergate scandal, when the Republicans broke into the Democratic headquarters looking for their long-term plans and strategies. It also marks the last time anyone thought the Democrats had a plan worth stealing." —Jay Leno

"Sarah Palin has revealed she has tried marijuana, but she did not like it. You know, it's amazing: 200 million Americans have smoked marijuana. The only ones who don't like it seem to be elected officials. Ever notice that?" —Jay Leno

"Sarah Palin surprised a lot of people by recently calling marijuana 'a minimal problem in America.' She also admitted that she herself has tried pot. I was shocked that a woman who named her children Willow, Piper, and Trig and married a snowmobiler would be pro-marijuana. You would never expect that." —Jimmy Kimmel

"The state legislature in California is considering a bill that would allow electronic advertisements on license plates. Is that wise? I really don't need anything else to distract me while I'm texting." —Craig Ferguson

More Late-Night Jokes:
• Best Jokes of 2010 (So Far)
• Latest Late-Night Jokes
• Last Week's Jokes

More Weekly Humor:
• The Week's Best Political Cartoons

See Also:
• Barack Obama Jokes
• Sarah Palin Jokes
• BP Jokes
• Rush Limbaugh Jokes
• Al Gore Jokes
• Tea Party Jokes

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