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Daniel Kurtzman

The Week's Best Late-Night Jokes

By September 18, 2010

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Late-Night Political Jokes

"I do miss George Bush. Compared to these teabaggers and the people who are pandering to them, he looks like a professor." —Bill Maher

"In Delaware, former Republican governor Mike Castle was defeated by Sarah Palin favorite Christine O'Donnell. Nobody knows what Christine O'Donnell does for a living, if anything. All we do know is that she's gone on the record to oppose masturbation, for real. I have a feeling Christine O'Donnell opposes masturbation the same way Bristol Palin opposes pre-marital sex." —Jimmy Kimmel

"Democrats are calling Christine O'Donnell 'the Sarah Palin of the East.' Really? She's a loud, emotionally unstable woman from Delaware. That's not Sarah Palin, that's Joe Biden." —Craig Ferguson

"Take it down a notch — for America." —Jon Stewart, unveiling the Rally to Restore Sanity's call-to-no-arms-please

"We will gather on the National Mall in Washington, D.C., a million-moderate march where we take to the streets to send a message to our leaders and our national media that says, 'We are here, We are only here until six though, because we have a sitter.'" —Jon Stewart

"You may be asking yourself, but am I the right person to go to this rally? The fact that you would even stop to ask yourself that question, as opposed to just jumping up, grabbing the nearest stack of burnable holy books, strapping on a diaper, and pointing your car towards DC — that means I think you just might be right for it." —Jon Stewart

"Shame on you Jon Stewart. America cannot afford a rally to restore sanity in the middle of a recession. Did you even consider how many panic-related jobs that might cost us in the fear-industrial complex?" —Stephen Colbert, announcing the March to Keep Fear Alive

"When our right to masturbate is threatened, that's where I draw the line. What goes on between me in my own bedroom, and car sometimes, is my business, not the government's." —Jimmy Kimmel

"We need to send a message to Washington, people. This November, I want everyone who believes in basic human rights to touch themselves in the voting booth. I want to say this to Christine O'Donnell. I want you and your followers to know one thing: you'll take away this penis when you pry it out of my cold, dead hands." —Jimmy Kimmel

"In the Delaware Republican U.S. Senate primary, Tea Party candidate Christine O'Donnell won a huge upset. Interesting woman, very conservative. She has come out against masturbation. So not only is she against politicians putting their hands in our pockets, she's against you putting your hands in your own pockets as well." —Jay Leno

"A lot of people love this woman. In the last 24 hours she's raised more than $1 million. Which I think is ironic, because she's against masturbation, but she's taking money hand over fist." —Craig Ferguson

"Christine O'Donnell hates masturbation, which is ironic because she owes her nomination to a bunch of jackoffs." —Bill Maher

"She said that during the primary, 'I heard the audible voice of God, and he said one word: 'credibility.' Which is interesting, because she has no job, there's a lien placed on her home, and she's using campaign funds for her living expenses. Her platform is about bringing fiscal responsibility to Washington, but God said 'credibility.' I think what God should have said was, 'Shut up and get a vibrator.'" —Bill Maher

"Christine O'Donnell won a huge upset, but she's got some problems. Even though she is a Republican, Karl Rove has accused her of lying. Let me tell you something, when the guy who told 300 million Americans there were weapons of mass destruction in Iraq says you're lying, he knows what he's talking about." —Jay Leno

"Here in California we're electing a new governor to replace the guy who played Kindergarten Cop. The race now is former Gov. Jerry Brown against former eBay CEO Meg Whitman, who's spent more of her own money on the campaign than any politician in American history, $119 million. There's a 'Buy-It-Now' option for $300 million, but it hasn't come to that yet." —Jimmy Kimmel

"In a new book, French first lady Carla Bruni reveals that Michelle Obama told her that she can't stand being the first lady. You know what else I bet she can't stand? Telling someone something in private and then seeing it in their new book." —Jimmy Fallon

"Nancy Pelosi's Republican opponent, John Dennis, has an ad where he depicts Pelosi as the Wicked Witch of the West. Pelosi is very angry and the Wicked Witch is even angrier." —Jay Leno

"President Obama is going to release a fun, easy-to-read children's book. It's for ages Biden and up." —Jimmy Fallon

"Experts say the decrease in crime could be due to the aging of the population, increased incarceration, and many criminals finding jobs in the banking industry and on Wall Street." —Jimmy Kimmel

More Late-Night Jokes:
Best Jokes of 2010 (So Far)
Latest Late-Night Jokes
Last Week's Jokes

More Weekly Humor:
The Week's Best Political Cartoons

Jokes by Jay Leno and David Letterman See Also:
Barack Obama Jokes
Sarah Palin Jokes
Christine O'Donnell Jokes
Republican Jokes
Democrat Jokes

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February 3, 2012 at 5:54 am
(1) Transformers Games says:

My grand father constantly used to watch YouTube humorous video lessons, hehehehehe, as he needs to be cheerful forever.

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