The Week's Best Late-Night Jokes

"President Obama has been meeting with voters in what he calls 'backyard chats.' He's held these in real people's backyards. You know something, I think all politicians should talk to people in their backyards. Then you could take what they say and spread it on the lawn." —Jay Leno

"In an effort to drum up support for Democratic candidates, President Obama has been traveling the country and engaging voters in a series of backyard chats. He was going to do front yard chats, but then you get the foreclosure sign in the pictures." —Seth Meyers

"Christine O'Donnell was caught lying about her educational background. She may not believe in pleasuring herself, but she thought her resume needed massaging." —Craig Ferguson, on O'Donnell claiming she attended Oxford University

"Today we found out that a third college Christine O'Donnell said she attended has no record of ever knowing her. I'm starting to wonder if she ever really went to Hogwarts." —Bill Maher

"Republican Senator Tom Coburn said yesterday that Christine O'Donnell, if elected, will be able to combat the stupidity in Washington. So I guess they're going to fight fire with fire." —Jay Leno

"President Obama has listed the songs on his iPod. The Tea Partiers are checking to see if 'Born in the USA' is on the list." —Jimmy Fallon

"On the 'Today' show, President Obama said he supports having a longer school year. In response, Sasha and Malia announced they support Sarah Palin." —Jimmy Fallon

"At the UN, President Obama called on other countries to help us track down and eliminate radicals and extremists. But they told Obama, 'Hey, the Tea Party is your problem, buddy.'" —Jay Leno

"Meg Whitman, our own candidate for governor of California, is running on a platform that's as tough as nails on illegal immigration. We found out this week she had an illegal immigrant working in her house for nine years. Today Meg Whitman said she's willing to take a lie detector test to prove that she didn't know that she had an illegal alien cleaning her house. You know what, if we wanted a governor who swears they have no idea what's happening in their house, we'd move to Alaska." —Bill Maher

"Obama has been now finally getting on the campaign trail trying to help [Democrats]. Their big plan is a series of what they call backyard visits where the President speaks to people in their backyards in Middle America. Because nothing calms the fears of Middle Americans like having a black man suddenly appear in your backyard." —Bill Maher

"Bob Woodward has written a book which states that the White House agonized over the decision to leave Iraq. Too bad no one agonized over the decision to go into Iraq." —David Letterman

"It's getting very nasty in Louisiana in the Senate race down there. The Democrat that's running has a two-minute TV ad about Republican Sen. David Vitter, which features the hooker that Vitter paid $300 to. It's a two-minute ad. And here's the embarrassing part for Vitter: the ad lasted a minute longer than he did." —Jay Leno

"I understand why Christine would want people to think she went to Oxford. Oxford has produced some legendary politicians. Margaret Thatcher, Tony Blair, Bill Clinton went to Oxford. I'm sure Bill would remember Christine if he saw her at Oxford. 'Hey baby, I hear you're a witch. You want to ride my broomstick? Because if you don't, I'll do it myself, and that would be wrong.'" —Craig Ferguson

"Rahm Emanuel is leaving the Obama administration. He wants to become mayor of Chicago. If you're mayor of Chicago, that means you report directly to Oprah." —David Letterman

"The wife of Republican New York gubernatorial candidate Carl Paladino said she accepts that her husband had an affair, that he has a mistress, and the mistress had his baby. He actually convinced her this is no big deal. Guys, let me tell you this, don't try this at home. This guy is a lawyer, a real estate developer, and a politician. That is the trifecta of professional liars." —Jay Leno

"Sarah Palin was considering running for president, until she heard it was a four-year deal." —David Letterman

"The good news is that scientists have found a giant Earth-like planet, and it may support human life. Whatever you do, don't tell British Petroleum." —David Letterman

"The United States had to apologize today because in the 1940s, our government conducted experiments where scientists injected mentally ill Guatemalan prisoners with syphilis and gonorrhea. And Hillary Clinton was the one to make the apology. It was heartfelt. She said, 'I know what it's like to go to bed worrying that someone you love has an STD.'" —Bill Maher

David Letterman's "Top Ten Ways Barack Obama Can Boost His Popularity With Younger Voters"

10. Refer to himself as the Chillaxer-in-Chief
9. Limit speeches to 140 characters or less
8. Broadcast all Oval Office addresses in 3D
7. Replace Rahm Emanuel with a hunky, brooding vampire
6. Trade in Air Force One for rocket-powered Obama-cycle
5. Answer tough questions with "Whatevs"
4. Change name to Bajustin Obieber
3. Refer to his abdominal muscles as "The Administration"
2. Check into rehab, go to prison, check back into rehab, go back to prison, check back into rehab
1. Join Team Coco

More Late-Night Jokes:
• Best Jokes of 2010 (So Far)
• Latest Late-Night Jokes
• Last Week's Jokes

More Weekly Humor:
• The Week's Best Political Cartoons

See Also:
• Barack Obama Jokes
• Sarah Palin Jokes
• Christine O'Donnell Jokes
• Republican Jokes
• Democrat Jokes

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