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Daniel Kurtzman

The Week's Best Late-Night Jokes

By December 3, 2010

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Late-Night Political Jokes

"Rep. Peter King says WikiLeaks presents a clear and present danger to our national security and should be branded a terrorist organization. Former Vice President Dick Cheney says we should waterboard the Internet." —Jimmy Kimmel

"President Obama held a ceremony at the White House to celebrate the first night of Hanukkah. In response, Republicans said, 'It's even worse than we thought. He's a Jewish Muslim.'" —Conan O'Brien

"Promoting his new book, President Bush visited the headquarters of Facebook. Unfortunately, he spent the whole visit on Farmville, clearing brush." —Conan O'Brien

"According to the TSA, most of the people protesting the new body search procedures are men. At last they're getting to see what it's like to be groped by someone who won't take no for an answer." —Jay Leno

"Yesterday a woman wore a bikini to LAX airport hoping to avoid the patdown. She is still being patted down." —Conan O'Brien

"Monday was a big online shopping day called 'Cyber Monday.' Immediately followed by 'Identity Theft Tuesday.'" —Conan O'Brien

"WikiLeaks has released thousands of classified documents that could be detrimental to the United States. Usually, when something this embarrassing about the United States is revealed, it's because Joe Biden said it." —Jay Leno

"There's an arrest warrant for the WikiLeaks owner, not for the leaks but for rape allegations in Sweden. He did an interview by Skype from a secret location and said Hillary Clinton should resign for asking American diplomats to spy on their counterparts. Thanks, we'll make a note of that, creepy Australian hacker who's wanted for rape." —Jimmy Kimmel

"Hillary doesn't quit. If she didn't quit her marriage after she found out her husband put a cigar up an intern, she ain't gonna quit over this. You're barking up the wrong pants suit." —Jimmy Kimmel

"Here's the latest on our country's top-secret documents. We don't have any anymore. But the head of WikiLeaks has had to go into hiding. He's somewhere all by himself. Officials think he may be in a theater showing 'Burlesque.'" —Jay Leno

"WikiLeaks is the 250,000-page document dump, which like most post-Thanksgiving dumps, is fascinating to pick through. The site should not be confused with WookieLeaks, where a large furry creature pees on you." —Jon Stewart

"President Obama took an elbow to the face last week and had to get 12 stitches. He was in line at Best Buy trying to get a $49 Blu-ray player. Black Friday shopping can get very rough. You would think his ears would protect him from flying elbows." —Jimmy Kimmel

"In a recent interview, Sarah Palin said we must stand with our North Korean allies. When she was corrected she said, 'Listen, geometry was never my strong suit.'" —Jay Leno

"In a recent interview, Sarah Palin said we have to stand with 'our North Korean allies.' When told that North Korea is not our ally, Palin said, 'Sorry, I meant East Korean allies.'" —Conan O'Brien

"President Obama has set aside over 180 million acres of land for polar bears. When Sarah Palin heard about it, she said, 'Todd, get my gun.'" —Conan O'Brien

"Tonight President Obama issued his annual Hannukah message. When the son of a black man from Kenya and a white woman from Kansas, elected President thanks to Latino voters, gives an address over his Japanese computer, serviced by technicians in India, to Hebrew people of this land we took from Native Americans, that's what this country is all about." —Jay Leno

More Late-Night Jokes:
Best Jokes of 2010 (So Far)
Latest Late-Night Jokes
Last Week's Jokes

More Weekly Humor:
The Week's Best Political Cartoons

Jokes by Jay Leno and David Letterman See Also:
TSA Jokes
Sarah Palin Jokes
Barack Obama Jokes
George Bush Jokes
Republican Jokes
Democrat Jokes

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