The Week's Best Late-Night Jokes

"The President of China is in Washington. It's a bit like when you're into your bookie for more than you can afford, and he stops by the house to say hello." —Jimmy Kimmel

"The White House held a state dinner for Chinese President Hu Jintao. President Obama wore a traditional Chinese-made garment: a pair of Nikes." —Jay Leno

"The Republican-controlled House voted to repeal the healthcare bill. If that goes well, they'll see what they can do about this whole 'women voting' thing." —Conan O'Brien

"Joe Lieberman announced he won't run for re-election. In a related story, Steven Seagal removes himself from Oscar contention." —Stephen Colbert

"Good news tonight. The chief victim of that shooting in Tucson is sitting upright and talking. (On screen: Sarah Palin on Fox News)" —Jon Stewart

"Good news. Congresswoman Gabbie Giffords is able stand up and the next stop is rehab. Now if we could only say the same thing about Charlie Sheen ... In a related story, Sarah Palin's doctors say that any idea that entered her brain this week passed straight through and came out the other side." —Bill Maher

"Obama is huge in the polls these days. His popularity is soaring. Even conservatives are coming around. 30 percent of them now believe Obama deserves a Green Card." —Bill Maher

"It is cold down in Washington, D.C. They had to use an ice scraper on John Boehner's face to get the tears off, it was so cold." —David Letterman

"This guy is an ad for Paxil." —Bill Maher on John Boehner crying at a ceremony recognizing the 50th anniversary of John F. Kennedy's inauguration

"Next week Boehner will be sitting behind Obama at the State of the Union address. I think Obama should purposely try to embarrass him by telling the story of 'Old Yeller.' The state of our Union is strong, but not so good for one special dog.'" —Bill Maher

"The new head of the Republican National Committee is Reince Priebus. Sounds like something you catch from the 'Jersey Shore' hot tub." —Jimmy Fallon

"There is a new chairman of the Republican Party. His name is Reince Priebus. Doesn't that sound like something that should be getting 50 miles per gallon somewhere?" —Jay Leno

"Hey, you know who's down there in Washington? President of China, President Hu, is visiting the U.S. And the guy says if he likes what he sees, he may put down a deposit." —David Letterman

"Chinese President Hu Jintao visited the White House. Fox News said it was a gathering of the world's most powerful communist — and the president of China." —Craig Ferguson

"Senate majority leader Harry Reid refused to attend the state dinner for Chinese President because he considers Hu Jintao a dictator. In response Jintao said, 'You're coming. You'll have the fish, and you'll like it.'" —Conan O'Brien

"There was one very awkward moment when the Chinese President met the Obama daughters and asked, 'So, which factory do you work at?'" —Jay Leno

"At the state dinner for Chinese President Hu Jintao, Hu opened a fortune cookie that said, 'You will lend us another trillion dollars.'" —Conan O'Brien

"Chinese President Hu Jintao is visiting us. When a country owes you a billion dollars they have a problem. When they owe you a trillion dollars, YOU have a problem. We're too big to fail!" —Jon Stewart

"Hillary Clinton is putting on a little weight. She'd better be careful. If she gains 10 more pounds, Bill's going to start hitting on her." —David Letterman

"Doctors say Dick Cheney may need a heart transplant, but Cheney isn't worried. He's already picked out a hunting buddy." —David Letterman

"Dick Cheney predicts that President Obama will only last one term. This is coming from the same guy that predicted weapons of mass destruction in Iraq." —David Letterman

"After surprise visits to Afghanistan and Pakistan, Vice President Joe Biden made a surprise visit to Iraq yesterday. Is it me, or is he just lost in that area?" —Jimmy Fallon

"Arnold Schwarzenegger said being Governor of California cost him at least 200 million dollars in lost movie roles. Moviegoers everywhere said, 'Totally worth it.'" —Conan O'Brien

"Arnold Schwarzenegger says he's considering doing a movie in which he would play a Nazi. He says that after being governor of California, he's looking for a job that will make people hate him less." —Conan O'Brien

More Late-Night Jokes:
• Best Jokes of 2010
• Latest Late-Night Jokes
• Last Week's Jokes

More Weekly Humor:
• The Week's Best Political Cartoons

See Also:
• Barack Obama Jokes
• Sarah Palin Jokes
• John Boehner Jokes
• Republican Jokes
• Democrat Jokes

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