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Daniel Kurtzman

The Week's Best Late-Night Jokes

By February 25, 2011

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Late-Night Political Jokes

"Libyan dictator Moammar Gadhafi said that people protesting against him are under the influence of 'hallucination pills.' In a related story, Charlie Sheen just boarded a plane to Libya." —Conan O'Brien

The King of Saudi Arabia is giving his people 37 billion dollars in pay raises and other benefits. He says it's not a 'Stimulus package.' That's true. It's more a "Please don't overthrow my ass package." —Jay Leno

"Economists say that with all this unrest, gas prices could rise to $5 a gallon. The good news is that instead of this money going to ruthless America-hating dictators, it will go to ruthless America-hating democracies." —Jay Leno

"Rush Limbaugh called Michelle Obama a hypocrite, criticizing her for eating ribs on vacation and said she isn't following her own dietary guidelines. Well, isn't that the morbidly obese pot calling the kettle African-American?" —Jimmy Kimmel

"Rush shouldn't talk. He would eat his own ribs if you put sauce on them." —Jimmy Kimmel

"Bill Clinton recently revealed that he only sent two e-mails while he was President. Then he added, 'And it turns out those pills are just a scam.'" —Jimmy Fallon

"George Clooney says he's had sex with too many women to ever run for office. He was immediately made Prime Minister of Italy." —Conan O'Brien

"President Obama filled in as the coach of his daughter Sasha's basketball team. Sasha evidently listened to her Dad, because all she did was drive straight down the center and piss everyone off." —Conan O'Brien

"Are you watching these protests? You know, it is scary there. They're shouting. They're burning people in effigy. They're marching. And that's just in Wisconsin." —Jay Leno

"I'm worried about Wisconsin. If Governor Walker actually is driven out of power, there will be a vacuum and it could be filled by the Muslim Brotherhood." —David Letterman

"The White House is considering supporting same sex marriage. Experts are attributing the change to shifting public attitudes, recent court cases, and the President catching a recent episode of 'Glee.'" —Conan O'Brien

"Rahm Emanuel is expected to win the election for mayor of Chicago. In keeping with Chicago tradition, his victory was announced two weeks ago." —Conan O'Brien

"Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid says he wants to outlaw prostitution in his home state of Nevada. Prostitutes say they're not going to take this lying down. For less than $50 bucks an hour." —Jimmy Fallon

"I'm glad we have a day for the presidents, but shouldn't we have a day for Congress when the Senate and the House can kick back and not worry about getting anything done? Oh, wait." —Craig Ferguson

"Here's a guy who's nuts — Moammar Gadhafi. Aretha Franklin called, she wants her hat back." —David Letterman

"Gadhafi said no sane person would join the protests against him. He then joined the protests against himself." —Conan O'Brien

"There's a real threat to tyrants who have used brutal tactics to seize power. The one who should really be worried is Leno." —David Letterman

"Today Khadafy described President Obama as an African of Arab and Muslim descent. Immediately after the speech Khadafy was given his own show on Fox News." —Conan O'Brien

"Libyan dictator Moammar Gadhafi was on TV and he was angry and defiant. Then he went off the air and no one has seen him since -- kind of like Keith Olbermann." —Jay Leno

"Gadhafi said he will fight the protestors until the end and he will die as a martyr. The protestors responded by saying, 'Deal.'" —Jay Leno

"A year ago Michelle Obama started her campaign to end childhood obesity called 'Let's Move.' I think Americans have been very clear in their answer, 'No.'" —Jimmy Fallon

"In order to acknowledge gay members Facebook added two new relationship options: 'In a civil union' and 'In a domestic partnership.' Then, to make sure they didn't miss anyone, they added 'One time in college.'" —Conan O'Brien

More Late-Night Jokes:
Best Jokes of 2010
Latest Late-Night Jokes
Last Week's Jokes

More Weekly Humor:
The Week's Best Political Cartoons

Jokes by Jay Leno and David Letterman See Also:
Barack Obama Jokes
Sarah Palin Jokes
John Boehner Jokes
Republican Jokes
Democrat Jokes

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