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Daniel Kurtzman

The Week's Best Late-Night Jokes

By March 12, 2011

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Late-Night Political Jokes

"I'm upset that Mike Huckabee criticized Natalie Portman for having a child out of wedlock. Listen, I'm no fan of unwed mothers either, but this is Natalie Portman we're talking about. That unborn child is Luke Skywalker." —Stephen Colbert

"They say that Japan's rigorous building codes and regulations saved thousands of lives. Or as Republican here saw it, it fostered a socialist anti-business environment that's worse than being dead." —Bill Maher

"It turns out that the Republican budget that they submitted for next year slashes funding for the agency that issues tsunami warnings and organizes responses to the tsunami. In their defense, Republicans say that tsunamis are just a theory, they are not a real threat like ACORN, the Black Panthers, NPR, and math teachers in Wisconsin." —Bill Maher

"In a new interview, Newt Gingrich says he cheated on two of his wives because he was too consumed with love for his country. Yeah, apparently he misunderstood the phrase, 'Please rise for the Pledge of Allegiance.'" —Conan O'Brien

‎"Newt knows that before he throws his giant hat into the ring, he has to explain his past positions — specifically, why those positions were so often on top of women who weren't his wife." —Stephen Colbert

"Congressman Peter King is holding hearings on the radicalization of American Muslims to determine why they feel alienated from American culture. Hopefully these hearings into why they're so dangerous will make them feel more welcome." —Stephen Colbert

"Gov. Scott Walker is the new conservative hero. He could get the nomination for the Republican Party in 2012 because he has that special quality that every member of the Republican base can relate to — he's a huge a**hole." —Bill Maher

"Julianne Moore is going to play Sarah Palin in a new HBO movie. Julianne said, 'But I know nothing about politics,' and the producers said, 'Perfect!'" —Craig Ferguson

"Sarah Palin has strong opinions on the Libyans. She said marriage is between a man and a woman, and Libyans like Rachel Maddow are what's ruining this country." —Bill Maher

"I always thought the point of evidence was that if you didn't have enough, you're not allowed to keep them in prison. It's one of the many differences we have in this country between prisons and zoos. You don't really need anything on an aardvark." —Jon Stewart, on military tribunals at Guantanamo

"In some countries Women's Day is a national holiday and men give women flowers. In America Women's Day falls on another holiday, Mardi Gras, where men give women beads in the respectful and post-feminist desire to see their naked boobies." —Craig Ferguson

"The President and First Lady attended a parent-teacher conference, and when they left, President Obama didn't look very happy. Apparently Joe Biden's being held back a grade." —Craig Ferguson

"Arnold Schwarzenegger has been offered a role in a sequel to 'The Terminator.' In this one he travels back in time and kills the person who suggested he run for governor." —Conan O'Brien

"Newt Gingrich, who famously cheated on wife number two with now wife number three, says he prays for God's forgiveness. He also prays that wife number three never finds out about Vanessa." —Conan O'Brien

"After 60 years of service the Dalai Lama is stepping down as the political leader of Tibet. He heard there was an opening on 'Two and a Half Men.'" —Conan O'Brien

"Charlie Sheen says he's going to go to Haiti: 'I want to show them what a real disaster looks like.'" —Conan O'Brien

"Charlie Sheen — he's our new national pastime. Sorry baseball, call me when your foul lines are drawn with coke." —Stephen Colbert

More Late-Night Jokes:
Best Jokes of 2010
Latest Late-Night Jokes
Last Week's Jokes

More Weekly Humor:
The Week's Best Political Cartoons

Jokes by Jay Leno and David Letterman See Also:
Barack Obama Jokes
Sarah Palin Jokes
John Boehner Jokes
Republican Jokes
Democrat Jokes

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