1. Entertainment
Send to a Friend via Email
Daniel Kurtzman

The Week's Best Late-Night Jokes

By April 16, 2011

Follow me on:

Late-Night Political Jokes

"Lenscrafters is upset with Tea Partier Michele Bachmann because she called Planned Parenthood 'the Lenscrafters of abortion.' Lenscrafters released a statement today calling her 'the Costco of crazy.'" —Conan O'Brien

"President Obama is slated to appear on one of Oprah's last shows. He's hoping it's the one on which she gives away 14 trillion dollars." —Conan O'Brien

"Donald Trump insists that he is going to run for president. I guess he figures if he can pull off that hairstyle, he can do anything." —Jimmy Kimmel

"Donald Trump is going to make an announcement about running for President on the season finale of 'Celebrity Apprentice.' Not to be outdone, the same night the Cake Boss will reveal his plan for overhauling Medicare." —Conan O'Brien

"The White House is saying Donald Trump has 'zero percent chance' of being elected. Isn't that a little high?" —David Letterman

"Trump is doing well in the polls. He's in second place among Republican voters. Among Tea Partiers, he's in first place. Although to be fair, in the Tea Party poll, Chuck Norris is in second place and third place is an AK-47." —Jimmy Kimmel

"Trump is a little tone-deaf to the average American. He unveiled his slogan this week 'Are you better off than you were four wives ago?''" —Bill Maher

"President Obama, I guess, is starting to confess to some of his anxieties. In a recent interview, President Obama said, 'I miss being anonymous.' He said, 'In the old days, I could blend in with all the other Hawaiian Barack Hussein Obamas.'" —Conan O'Brien

"President Obama said in an interview over the weekend that he really misses being anonymous. He said, 'I miss Saturday mornings rolling out of bed and not shaving, going to the market...' Be careful what you wish for, 2012 is just around the corner!" —Jay Leno

"President Obama laid out his plan to reduce the $14 trillion national debt. Unfortunately for Sasha and Malia, it involves selling a lot of Girl Scout cookies." —Jimmy Kimmel

"Obama called on Americans to have more grandchildren. Probably so there's more of them to pay off our debt." —Jay Leno

"Vice President Joe Biden fell asleep during Obama's speech. He has now been named an honorary air traffic controller." —Jay Leno

"A new poll shows that only 19 percent of Americans strongly approve of President Obama's performance. The other 81 percent don't own gas stations." —Jay Leno

"Michele Bachmann said Planned Parenthood is the Lenscrafters of Big Abortion.' Which is a realy double-whammy because the conservatives hate Planned Parenthood and they hate Lenscrafters, because Lenscrafters makes glasses, and that could lead to reading." —Bill Maher

"A deal was reached to keep the government running. So the good news is, the government is up and running same as before. The bad news? The government is up and running same as before." —Jay Leno

"I'm not going to pay taxes. When they say I'm going to prison, I'll say no, prisons cost taxpayers a lot of money. You keep what it would have cost to incarcerate me, and we'll call it even." —Jimmy Kimmel

"No! Not Captain Buzzkill! Not the guy who looks like everyone who ever fired your dad! He's gonna suck all the fun right out of this crazy thing. Just look at the online video announcing his run. It looks like it could double as an ad for erectile dysfunction pills. 'Mitt Romney: for when the moment's right.'" —Jon Stewart on Mitt Romney running for president

More Late-Night Jokes:
Best Jokes of 2010
Latest Late-Night Jokes
Last Week's Jokes

More Weekly Humor:
The Week's Best Political Cartoons

Jokes by Jay Leno and David Letterman See Also:
Barack Obama Jokes
Sarah Palin Jokes
Glenn Beck Jokes
Donald Trump Jokes
Republican Jokes
Democrat Jokes

Get Our Newsletter | Follow Political Humor on Twitter | Become a Fan on Facebook

Comments

No comments yet. Leave a Comment

Leave a Comment


Line and paragraph breaks are automatic. Some HTML allowed: <a href="" title="">, <b>, <i>, <strike>

©2014 About.com. All rights reserved.