The Week's Best Late-Night Jokes

"Sarah Palin is driving all over the country in a bus, I guess to pick up where Charlie Sheen left off." —Jimmy Kimmel

"Today in New York City, Sarah Palin had a meeting with Donald Trump. Now, experts say if those two joined forces on a presidential ticket it would be the greatest gift ever given to comedy." —Craig Ferguson

"I'm not certain of a lot of things. But there are three things in this world that I know for certain: Empire Strikes Back is the best Star Wars movie. OJ killed those people. And what my erect penis looks like in my own underwear from a bird's-eye view." —Jon Stewart, on Rep. Anthony Weiner saying he "can't say with certitude" whether a lewd picture posted on Twitter wasn't his weiner

"I see only two options here: Either Anthony Weiner has too many photos of his junk to keep track of, or 'Certitiude' is his nickname for his penis." —Stephen Colbert

"Based on how you eat pizza Donald, I want to see your long-form birth certificate. I don't think you were really born in New York." —Jon Stewart, on Donald Trump taking Sarah Palin out to eat chain restaurant pizza in New York, using knives and forks

"You know, Donald, I don't want to say anything, but if you're taking an esteemed visitor to get real New York pizza, Famiglia's ain't it. Unless real authentic New York pizza can also be found in Terminal Four of the Phoenix Airport. Governor Palin, no disrespect to you, you're a guest in our city, we should offer you the finest that our hospitality has to offer you. I just would have thought Captain Combover could have pulled that one off." —Jon Stewart, on Donald Trump's trip with Sarah Palin to a pizza parlor in Times Square

"Congressman Weiner's Twitter account was hacked 'allegedly,' and someone texted a picture of his 'junior senator' to a college girl. Now this is good news for me because I can Google 'wiener photos' at work and not get fired." —Craig Ferguson

"Anthony Weiner pledges to get to the bottom of this. He's asked for an investigation, the police are involved, he's got a dick lawyer he's hired. They know it is a Democrat's penis because it won't stand up. And also because it was sent to a woman." —Bill Maher

"Congressman Weiner said the photo leak was a prank, he's a victim, the picture could be taken out of context? In what possible context would you take this picture? Maybe he meant to send it to his doctor, with the message, 'Okay, it's been four hours, time to get you involved.'" —NPR's "Wait Wait...Don't Tell Me!"

"In real life, in my memory, this guy had a lot more 'Anthony' and a lot less 'Weiner.' ... The only thing they have in common is that they both lean to the extreme left!" —Jon Stewart, on allegations that Rep. Anthony Weiner, a former housemate of Stewart's, sent out a crotch photo from his Twitter account

"This Twitter is somethin' else. You know, in the old days, a congressman had to chisel images of his penis on limestone." —Jon Stewart

"Palin should not be on vacation. She should be in summer school." —Bill Maher, on Sarah Palin's botched explanation of Paul Revere's midnight ride

"Paul Revere was warning the British about gun control, and George Washington apparently was crossing the Delaware to bomb an abortion clinic." —Bill Maher, on history according to Sarah Palin

"Sarah Palin met with Donald Trump in New York yesterday. Then Sarah Palin left by helicopter and shot that thing off Trump's head." —Craig Ferguson

"Of course, the point of her 'One Nation Tour' is to highlight America's historic landmarks. So far she stopped at the National Archives, Gettysburg, Independence Hall, and yesterday she joined Donald Trump at one of New York's historic monuments, the Times Square Applebee's, a landmark as steeped in history as it is steeped in chipotle mayonnaise. Just like Gettysburg, it's a site where many, many lives were cut short." —Stephen Colbert on Sarah Palin's bus tour

"Sarah Palin's cross country road trip is not a political event, she says, but just a summer vacation with her family, just like the ones you have. Except my summer vacations generally don't have a title. Sarah Palin's family road trip has a title; it's called the One Nation Tour, and she's brought along her husband and her kids and all the typical summer road trip stuff, like sun tan lotion, stuff for s'mores, and Greta Van Susteren." —NPR's "Wait Wait...Don't Tell Me!"

"There are rumors that Sarah Palin will run for president. It's a big decision. On one hand, running for president is a long and grueling process that goes on for months and years. But she could just quit halfway through, right?" —Jimmy Kimmel

"Somebody asked John McCain if Sarah Palin could win the presidency, and he said yes, especially if a meteor hits all the other Republican and Democratic candidates." —Jimmy Kimmel

"Mitt Romney has announced he's running for president in 2012. At the same time, he's announced he'll try again in 2016." —Stephen Colbert

"Mitt Romney was on the 'Today Show' and admitted he likes to read the 'Twilight' books and watch 'American Idol.' If elected, he would be the 1st Mormon and the 1st 13-year-old girl to be President." —Jimmy Kimmel

Note: the rest of the late-night shows were in reruns this week.

More Late-Night Jokes:
• Best Jokes of 2010
• Latest Late-Night Jokes
• Last Week's Jokes

More Weekly Humor:
• The Week's Best Political Cartoons

See Also:
• Osama Bin Laden Jokes
• Schwarzenegger Jokes
• Donald Trump Jokes
• Barack Obama Jokes
• Sarah Palin Jokes
• Republican Jokes
• Democrat Jokes

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