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Daniel Kurtzman

The Week's Best Late-Night Jokes

By June 27, 2011

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Late-Night Political Jokes

"Did you see that video where a crying baby is handed to President Obama? As soon as the president holds the baby it stops crying. Do you know how rare that is these days; that a politician is handed a baby from a crowd and it's not his?" —Jay Leno

"That's pretty amazing. The baby stopped crying as soon as the president held it. Obama should try that with John Boehner." —Jay Leno

"Sarah Palin has abruptly ended her bus tour of the United States. The idea was to drive around the country giving speeches in front of historical landmarks. Reportedly, she's back in Alaska at home, which is weird because it's not like her to quit something." —Jimmy Kimmel

"Newt Gingrich announced he was running for president. His top advisers quit, and then his campaign fundraisers all quit. Newt was thinking, 'I don't need this, I'll just put it all on my Tiffany's credit card.'" —David Letterman

"More bad news for Newt Gingrich. One week after his campaign staff quit, his campaign finance team quit. In fact, Newt was going to pull out of the race, but today the guy who writes his concession speeches quit. He can't do anything." —Jay Leno

"Newt Gingrich said Republicans shouldn't be afraid to go into black neighborhoods and tell them Obama failed them. To which every Republican replied 'You first.'" —Bill Maher

"I'll tell you who's in a lot of trouble: Mitt Romney. He's supposedly the Republican presidential contender front-runner. Here's what happened: He created a successful healthcare plan in Massachusetts. Are you kidding me? Come on! What a dope." —David Letterman

"New Republican Presidential candidate Jon Huntsman is fluent in Chinese. In a short period of time the Republicans have come quite a long way. The last Republican president wasn't even fluent in English." —David Letterman

"President Obama and House Speaker John Boehner played golf this weekend. Obama's handicap is Joe Biden." —Jay Leno

"The team of Obama and Boehner beat the team of Vice President Joe Biden and Ohio Gov. John Kasich. When they tallied up the score, they were 14 trillion over par." —Jay Leno

"Did you see the picture of House Speaker Boehner and President Obama after their golf game? Boehner was crying over his score and Obama was giving a list of reasons why his score was better than it looks." —Jay Leno

"President Obama announced this week that he is going to start sending out his own messages personally on Twitter. And today Anthony Weiner said, 'It's a trap, don't do it!' But President Obama's tweets are a little different than Anthony Weiner's. When Obama sends out pictures of something obscene, it's the unemployment numbers." —Jay Leno

"Sarah Palin is denying reports that her bus tour is canceled, and says it will resume 'when the time comes.' So there you go, everyone -- it's not canceled, she just stopped doing it and has no specific plans to start again." —Jimmy Fallon

"Yesterday Sarah Palin said that she read Bristol Palin's new book and she found it 'shocking.' When asked what was shocking, Palin said 'the fact I read a book.'" —Conan O'Brien

"New Rule: Stop asking Miss USA contestants if they believe in evolution. It's not their field. It's like asking Stephen Hawking if he believes in hair scrunchies. Here's what they know about: spray tans, fake boobs and baton twirling. Here's what they don't know about: everything else. If I cared about the uninformed opinions of some ditsy beauty queen, I'd join the Tea Party." —Bill Maher

More Late-Night Jokes:
Best Jokes of 2010
Latest Late-Night Jokes
Last Week's Jokes

More Weekly Humor:
The Week's Best Political Cartoons

Jokes by Jay Leno and David Letterman See Also:
Anthony Weiner Jokes
Sarah Palin Jokes
Barack Obama Jokes
Donald Trump Jokes
Schwarzenegger Jokes
Osama Bin Laden Jokes
Republican Jokes
Democrat Jokes

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