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Daniel Kurtzman

The Week's Best Late-Night Jokes

By August 15, 2011

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Late-Night Political Jokes

"Great day today! Obama didn't speak. Congress didn't act. Experts on vacation. And the Dow soared 400 points. There's a lesson in there." —Jay Leno

"China has told us our days of squandering borrowed money are over. So maybe we shouldn't tell them we just spent $76 million going to the Smurf movie." —Conan O'Brien

"A man jumped the White House fence, but after a brief chase, the Secret Service was able to talk President Obama into coming back and finishing his term." —Conan O'Brien

"Sarah Palin is bringing her bus to Iowa. She's not going to be part of the debate, just close enough to drown it out. I swear she's going to run for Mayor of Cockblockington." —Jon Stewart

"Michele Bachmann was asked if she was a submissive wife. She said no, but her husband is." —Jay Leno

"Newsweek is taking heat for calling Michele Bachmann 'The Queen of Rage.' Michele says, 'There's only one raging queen in our household, and it's not me.'" —Conan O'Brien

"Newsweek used a photo to make Michele Bachmann appear crazy. That's what her words are for." —Jon Stewart

"I look at that picture and say, isn't that a little soon to be doing a female re-make of the 40-Year-Old Virgin?" —Jon Stewart

"Man, America's credit rating took a real hit this weekend. On Friday night, the U.S. actually lost its AAA status. Or as Joe Biden put it, 'What happens if I get a flat tire?'" —Jimmy Fallon

"By the way, the ratings agency is Standard & Poor's. Who's going to listen to a company whose name translates to Average & Below Average?" —Jon Stewart

"S&P downgraded the United States from AAA to AA+, and it gets worse. Today, Italy, England, and Greece un-friended us on Facebook." —Jay Leno

"S&P makes a $2 trillion mistake. Or as it's known in financial circles, a "Trump." —Daily Show tweet

"America gets a double A plus? The only other countries with that rating are Belgium and New Zealand. That's us now. Waffle-eating kiwis, putting mayonnaise on our French fries with a serious Hobbit infestation." —Stephen Colbert

"I don't want to say the economy is worrisome, but I turned on CNN and MSNBC and the blond anchor lady was just sitting there eating a pint of ice cream." —Bill Maher

"I see Congress more as a bunch of monkeys. High-fiving each other in celebration, having forgotten that mere moments ago they were throwing their own feces." —Daily Show correspondent Jason Jones

"President Obama will begin a three-state bus tour. I believe the three states are confusion, delusion, and desperation. " —Jay Leno

"President Obama took campaign workers out for burgers yesterday and left a 35 percent tip. Man, that guy is so generous with China's money." —Jimmy Fallon

"Some political analysts are saying that President Obama is making many of the same mistakes that President Bush made. Obama said, 'That's ridiculous, and if you'll excuse me, 'Spongebob' is on.'" —Conan O'Brien

"We finally get a black President, and our credit goes bad. If Obama's going to be stereotyped as black he should own it. And by 'own it' I mean rent it." —Daily Show "senior black correspondent" Larry Wilmore

"Think how far Obama has come. Not long ago, a lot of people in this country thought he was a secret Kenyan, or a secret Muslim. Now we know he's a secret Republican." —Bill Maher

"New reports say that President Obama's re-election team is going to try to portray Mitt Romney as 'weird.' They're also going to try to portray Michele Bachmann as 'Michele Bachmann.'" —Conan O'Brien

‎"Obama is going to use 'weird' as code for 'Mormon.' I am really starting to respect that urban, rhythmic, Socialist, Kenyan secret Muslim." —Stephen Colbert, on the Obama campaign's apparent plan to target Mitt Romney as "weird"

"Michele Bachmann said that if she's elected president, she won't read words off a teleprompter. Meanwhile, Sarah Palin said that if she's elected president, she won't read words." —Jimmy Fallon

"It turns out that Texas Gov. Rick Perry got a D in Principles of Economics. So he can't be president, but he can get a job on President Obama's economic team." —Jay Leno

"President Obama signed the new debt bill into law. But it doesn't really solve the problem. Economists say in 10 years, the deficit will be $27 trillion. But you know what? In 10 years, that'll be President Bieber's problem." —Jay Leno

"Corporations are people. It's time to remake 'Guess Who's Coming to Dinner' where the daughter brings home an oil rig. You know Spencer Tracy won't want to see his daughter drilled." —Stephen Colbert, on Mitt Romney's declaration that "corporations are people"

"Yes, corporations are people, my friend. They're like members of your family. Your Brother fax machine, your Uncle Ben, your Auntie Anne, your Mama Celeste, your Go Daddy." —Stephen Colbert

"Sarah Palin's daughter-in-law just gave birth three months after getting married, and thus won the annual Palin Almost Abstinent Award." —Jay Leno

"Sarah Palin now has a second grandchild. Think how many she'd have if the Palins didn't practice abstinence. The kid's name is Grizzly Frances Moosehead Palin." —Jimmy Kimmel

"Levi Johnston, who got Sarah Palin's daughter Bristol pregnant, has a sister Mercede, who just posed for 'Playboy' and said some very unflattering things about the Palins. She said Track Palin, who she dated, used cocaine and oxycodone, that Sarah Palin forced him to go into the military to protect herself, and that if Palin became President she'd have a mental breakdown. Then the photographer asked her to turn a little so he could get both nipples." —Jimmy Kimmel

"Arnold Schwarzenegger was seen wearing a t-shirt that said, 'I Survived Maria.' Maria Shriver was seen wearing a shirt that said, 'I Survived 'Twins.' 'End of Days' and 'Jingle All the Way.'" —Conan O'Brien

"It's being rumored that former Congressman Anthony Weiner, 'the peter Tweeter,' is being considered as a contestant on 'Dancing with the Stars.' The producers haven't told him one way or the other whether he's going to get the job. Anthony Weiner is not the kind of guy you want to leave dangling." —Jay Leno

"After all the rioting in London this week, officials are worried that it could mean security problems for the Olympics next year. On the bright side, the guy running with the torch will just blend right in." —Jimmy Fallon

"Congress has the lowest approval rating ever. 82 percent of the American people say Congress sucks. But to be fair, these are the same idiots who voted these people in, so they can go suck it as far as I'm concerned." —Bill Maher

"'Rise of the Planet of the Apes' made $54 million this weekend. It's about small-brained creatures who rise up and take over the Earth. First they form political groups called Tea Parties." —Jay Leno

"It's interesting to see the Tea Party go from a small group of people that everyone thinks is crazy to a large group of people that everyone thinks is crazy." —Jimmy Kimmel

"Vice President Joe Biden referred to the Tea Party as 'terrorists.' This is a real slap in the face -- to terrorists." —David Letterman

‎"Go ahead, Tea Party Congress people, put on your tri-corner hats, play your fifes, and dance the minuet. Tea party like it's 1799." —Jon Stewart

"The Tea Party is not happy with the deal. Everything they wanted is not enough." —David Letterman

"The only way they're going to pull the debate back from the far right is for liberals to elect their own slate of 60 unstable, looney-toon, mad-as-a-hatter, crazy motherf**kers." —Bill Maher (Watch video clip)

"So please liberals start trolling Whole Foods parking lots, nude beaches, erotic cake stores, the MSNBC commissary. Anywhere where you might find angry left-wing lunatics to create a party within a party, as the Tea Party is a party within the Republicans, and to show that we will not back down in a crazy-off against anybody. The party within a party will be called the Donner Party." —Bill Maher

"That's right, we will literally eat each other before we give an inch, and this is our leader, Face Ripper Monkey... And don't tell me that there already is such an entity on the left, that it's the ACLU, Greenpeace and MoveOn.org. Oh please, those are educated people lawyers and scientists. We need loudmouths and bad dressers who can match the tea people maniac for maniac, and say to them you think you can be pea brained, single minded, and purple with rage?" —Bill Maher

"Well, the Donner Party is a dog that can bark at a pine cone for nine days and not get tired. You say no new taxes on the rich. We say tax the rich at 100%. You call for a constitutional amendment banning abortion. We call for a federally funded partial birth abortions at the drive-thru at McDonalds. You want Reagan on the fifty dollar bill. We insist on Jeanine Garofalo, because apparently crazy is the new sensible and will not lose the war of bad ideas." —Bill Maher

More Late-Night Jokes:
Best Jokes of 2011 (So Far)
Latest Late-Night Jokes
Last Week's Jokes

More Weekly Humor:
The Week's Best Political Cartoons

Jokes by Jay Leno and David Letterman See Also:
Barack Obama Jokes
GOP Candidate Jokes
Michele Bachmann Jokes
Sarah Palin Jokes
Republican Jokes
Democrat Jokes

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Comments

August 20, 2011 at 1:49 pm
(1) Palmetto Phil says:

So Bill Maher thinks the democrats need to find a bunch of uneducated, ranting, lef twingers, with crazy ideas to represent them. Why, they already have Bill Maher a Canadian who is so far left he makes nancy Peolosi look like Sarah Palin’s BFF

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